Archive for category Babies
One year ago…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Football, fun, Grace, health, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, news, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, toddlers, trends to consider, Uncategorized, Women with MS on November 7, 2021
My PCP diagnosed me with anemia. A few months later, I received the hypercalcaemia diagnosis from my endocrinologist, quickly followed by an Osteoporosis diagnosis and put on a drug that might cause me to lose a tooth or two. I want to be off that drug ASAP. Despite all the cumulative crap I’ve been dealing with since ‘17, I finally have a sliver of good news to share.
My endocrinologist at my July appointment basically threw-up his hands and said he’s sending me to an ENT because my symptoms don’t match my numbers, but he believes there’s something indicitive of a tumor, although the thyroid and parathyroid ultrasounds and nuclear medicine tests revealed nothing. My downward spiral of symptoms going from a pretty healthy patient (minus the MS) to going straight down a toilet as my gait in just a few months became that of a 90-year-old trying to be purposeful with each labored step.
Last weekend at church, as I walked to my vehicle and I heard someone behind me and glanced back to see who it was. The older gentleman has always reminded me of my late grandfather and I stopped so he could catch-up to me. He said he had never seen me walk so slow. I laughed and asked if it was really that noticable. Then he went on to explain how he’d always seen me actively chasing the little ones all over and then said he was keeping me in prayer. I tend to be guarded about sharing anything specific, but last Sunday morning, I was confident that the Holy Spirit put it on my heart to share with a few people at church that I was scheduled for surgery December 15 for a pararthyroidectomy.
My endocrinologist did send me to an ENT, who after viewing all the pictures, labs and radiology reports, sent me to another ENT. Well that ENT sent me to his ENT, who is head of the ENT department at the university in town and his MA was able to schedule me for an appointment to see him a week later. I told B I was tempted to cancel the appointment because I was tired of wasting my time and being referred and referred to another doctor, and another doctor, etc. B asked me to keep the appointment and if I still walked away after the appointment feeling dislcouraged and like I wasted my time, then we would seek other treatment. Funny how I get so frustrated that I might have some extreme tendencies to for example, jump off cliffs because it just makes more sense to me to do something drastic , ya know) and then B has this level of discernment that can reel me in and produce peace with a few words.
Well that ENT, about 60 seconds into the appointment, said he had viewed and studied the pictures of my parathyroid and explained he believed at least one part, potentially two of the four-part parathyroid had tumors. I asked him how long he had specialized in ENT studies. 30 years. Only 30 years!! Then he said, “ I’ve seen this before, these symptoms and pictures . I’m confident if we do the 15 minute surgery to take out the parathyroid, that you should start feeling better almost immediately in the recovery room.” And with those few words, those tear ducts started filling up. You might remember that this girl does not cry…. her eyes sweat.
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The end of the tunnel just became brighter…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, Faith, family, health, Inspiration, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, toddlers, Uncategorized, Women with MS on November 5, 2021
When MS became more than MS with the unforseen truckload of additional health issues caused by the drug Lemtrada, I really questioned God and his faithfulness. I’m very aware there was never a guarantee that my life would be obstacle free. In fact as a Christian, it is a sure thing that God will allow trials for my own growth.
Having problems pushed me to know him better or have I reacted by becoming closed-up or anti-social?
As problems manifest, I have been prone to isolation. It’s way more comfortable than sharing anything for which folks will likely shun me anyway. So, in a sense I’m doing my future self a favor. Right? Totally. Except. God didn’t create any person to survive alone, but thrive with others to support, encourage, lift-up during times such as these. And there I was isolating myself at home, doing distance church from my iPad at home to avoid being a burden or a slow-poke with my cane or avoid questions like , “what happened?” from nosy-nellies posing as concerned people who care.
Ouch. Thank you, Lord for convicting me of being narcissistic and shame on me for doubting anyone’s intentions. That’s my normal reaction, but it dawned on me, (again thank you, Lord) last week watching church, that with all this crap going on with my health, that I have a fantastic testimony opportunity. And so after many weeks at home during church, but watching from a distance, I put on my big-girl pants and went back to church.
For an incredible reason. For B and I to have our two-year-old daughter dedicated at church. Didn’t I mention we had a foster child in our home? That we officially adopted at the beginning of August?
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I am a work in progress…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Funny, Grace, health, Humor, in the kitchen, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, Marriage Encouragement, Mommy’s musings, MS, MS Fight Club, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, Therapeutic House-pets, Uncategorized, Women with MS on April 3, 2021
I was blogging with somewhat of a purpose, but then I started analyzing and reanalyzing every stinking thing I do and do not do. I feel like a mouse trapped in a maze because I have been all over the map trying to figure out what my point is and answer the million dollar question of why do I do what I do? I’ve ultimately determined that my blog is for me. When I began blogging some years ago. I had hopes illusions of reaching a massive following for those with MS and/or their care-partners and even more of those who were interested in knowing more about being a Christ-follower in the middle of battling a debilitating illness and trying to mainfain faith and trust that God was still good when my Multiple Sclerosis was spiraling out of control.
And it was. I went from being for the most part able-bodied and independent to having to learn to self-catheterize when I couldn’t empty my bladder on my own. Using a cane became obsolete when I had to graduate to using a walker and finally upgrade to a wheelchair all within six months … and back then in October 2001 when I was struggling in my position and could no longer do my job as a consumer loan officer, my neuroligist said I likely wouldn’t see my 30th birthday, which was still some years away. I’m briefly explaining all that to get around to my point that I am going to blog for me because I enjoy writing. If anyone follows my non-nonsensical gibberish or rantings that get tossed around in my mind, then sure, I hope you enjoy yourself, are encouraged or at the least, can smile at something said, but don’t expect anything Nobel prize worthy. I’m writing for myself as it can be therapeutic. My story is not debateable because it is MY experience and I will not apologize for MY convictions. Consider that fair-warning.
As a Christian I do get mad, upset or annoyed when unexpected circumstances or events (like bad health) put a hiccup in MY plans. Really? Indeed. Because I am a control-feak extrordinaire, but am always trying to give up my own illusions of what I want and instead work toward fulfilling God’s plan for my life. I am a sinner. That’s not a badge, just a recognition that I am so far from being perfect. I have made some massive mistakes that years later, I still struggle with forgiving myself. I am a Christ-follower. There is a difference because many label themselves as Christians, but they don’t have a relationship with God, pray etc.
Be confident that that is not a judgement of anyone because only God knows an individual’s heart. I am actively seeking God’s will for my life on a continual basis and although I mess-up many times every day, I try to stay on-track. I have a lot of Biblical head kowledge, but am trying to get myself to having more heart knowledge. That is not a pat on my back for ‘intentions’ because intentions do NOT count or provide any points for scoring if that’s how you grade yourself. 2000 years later, Jesus still remains the only perfect human. Perfection is impossble, but God is always at work in people’s lives to refine us into who we’re supposed to be for his purposes.
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You may remember…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, Faith, Inspiration, life, Maintaining Faith, prayer on March 29, 2021
I had mentioned/blogged some years ago about B and I being foster parents. I will review at some point the events that transpired between ’17 and ’18 when I think it’s the appropriate time to share… However, what matters most, right now, in this moment, is that we are still technically fostering, but we’re also in the process of adopting.
Our little was 2-days-old when the county called and asked, “You still have your crib available?” We gained custody directly from the hospital and the birth mom was entirely committed to being at every opportunity to see her baby and bond. About eight months later, rumors about Covid started gaining traction and by March, states began issuing the “Stay home” orders. Unfortunately, because of how quickly Covid was spreading, it was also necessary to close the visitation center where fosters and biological parents were meeting a couple of times per week.
I asked the case worker for the biological mom’s phone number and email so she and I could set up a weekly Zoom time so visual meetings could continue , which to make everything easy, was the same time I brought the baby to see her birth-mom at the center. The visitation center kept track of when all parties showed-up, so since they were closed, I kept a record of when I logged-in to Zoom meetings and when or if the mom showed-up. The heart-breaking thing is that of those twenty-some weeks opportunities to meet via Zoom, were available, the biological-mom showed less than 10 times.
Then last Fall, the expected court dates happened, TPR was finalized and the court declared to let us adopt. It’s been bitter-sweet. Please, don’t get me wrong! It’s been the most exciting thing for B and I to finally be this close to adopting. The sadness is recognizing that while T’s birth-mom has lost her daughter, we’re gaining a daughter. Thank you, God.
Bitter-sweet…
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Too big to not share
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Faith, Football, Grace, Inspiration, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS Fight Club, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting MS, Uncategorized on November 2, 2016
With everything going on and my ever increasing #MSinducedmemoryproblems, I have to share this while I’m thinking about it or “POOF!” it’ll be gone and I’ll forget again because #MultipleSclerosis is playing hardball with my short-term memory retention these days. We’re at T minus 10 days until I start the #Lemtrada round one treatment.
Monday morning last week, B #husband #love texted me shortly after he got to work to say that he had some big #news and would share when he got home, but I was busy with the #baby #love and then getting #cleaning stuff done around the house #clean #addict and then POOF, my husband’s text was forgotten! That thought was gone and I didn’t think twice about it. I had dinner ready and Baby was fed when B came home, so he changed his clothes #relaxation and then we immediately said a dinner blessing. He was anxious to share whatever it was and I’d forgotten about the big news so I hesitated and put the burrito #dinner back on the plate. At his job, B’s an #art #mentor for mentally handicapped students and a student’s mom had called first thing that morning to let the staff know her son would be home sick that day, but as long as B answered the phone, Mary said she had something to share with him. She shared with B that a few days before, #God had placed on her heart to fast and #pray for me, but she didn’t know why.
Now, my #health is generally not a topic of conversation for either of us with strangers, especially for B at work, where unless I’m experiencing a symptom like vertigo that has required him to be home to care for Baby, other than a few people, no one really knows the rough issues with my #relapsingremittingms that rarely require him to be home, thankfully. B said that at one point, he had shared with Mary, who is also a #Believer, my testimony of walking again #miracle after being in a wheelchair for years. You must remember I do not cry, but my eyes occasionally sweat, mostly from allergies #denial. B then shared that a few days after fasting and praying for me, God told Mary I was going to be #healed. Initiate single eye-sweating program. I felt very #blessed that a person I met only once, might feel a burden to fast and pray for me, but I said nothing, then he repeated, “Jenn, Mary said God told her you’re going to be healed soon.” Level-up. Initiate inadvertent dual eye-sweating sequence…
So, in no way did I believe I could deserve something so big since I already received such a significant blessing years ago allowing me to walk again #amazing. It’s like I think my blessing bowl can be filled only once in a life-time. It’s definitely a process to consistently stop negative thoughts and immediately redirect and recognize those thoughts are inspired by the enemy telling me, “You don’t deserve ___.” I must stop such thoughts many times each day. My husband is fantastic to gently remind me that #Godismerciful and doesn’t use a pay-for-play method of forgiveness or blessing.
What?!? But I already was healed from having to depend on a wheelchair 11 years ago! #miracle Oh no-those sweat-glands in my eyes failed in a big way and my eyes began sweating profusely. I was confused how I was deserving of such a magnificent #blessing. I have a performance-based blessing mentality so I’m actively working to clean-out many years of negative internal-dialogue. I am still working toward recognizing performance based blessing in no way resembles my merciful and loving Savior. #nonsensestopshere I must be conscientious to make sure I do not repeat those methods with our foster #babyblessing, who my husband and I very much hope to #adopt.
I always use speaker-phone so my hands are free to do other mindless tasks like fold laundry while I “chat.” Unfortunately though, while my phone was on speaker a few months ago, B overheard everything loud and clear so there was no misinterpretation of conversation lecture verbiage about consequences I’m apparently still suffering, making B get a sour taste of that performance-based affection. “Now I know why you operate with a pay-for-play mentality. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart – I might get it now.” Things might have the ability to stick and set the tone for one’s dysfunctional internal dialogue for years, but it really is changing. #praiseGod #Jesussaves
I’m excited because as this Lemtrada treatment situation has unfolded over the past few months with God opening doors for my grant application to be immediately approved for funding the treatment, my faith steadily increasing and doubt finally gone and being at peace that although risky, Lemtrada is in fact the vehicle through which God will deliver healing as Lemtrada is the only treatment able to heal previous MS damage. #peacethatpassesallunderstanding This is exactly where God is guiding me and with healing, I believe He’s also preparing me for great things. Lord, I’m ready now. #amen
And of course, GO HAWKS!
Jenn
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Baby-Girl aka dare I say Diva, in the making?
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Babies, family, Humor, Inspiration, life, lifestyle, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, MS, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Uncategorized on November 2, 2016
Butter Buns must accompany me all the time, so rest assured that when I have to go anywhere for myself-doctor appointments, allergy shots, etc., she must accompany me and I put way more effort into making #sweetbaby Ms. Buns #nickname more presentable #ooohs #ahs than myself. Because baby cuteness factor supercedes everything. And she is thankful for that. Although she hasn’t said much beyond baby-babble at this point, it’s clear that she sees me as part of her #butterbunsposse, although my presence must be silent support #unnoticed. I am one of her #peeps for this potential #divainthemaking. It doesn’t matter that I am make-up free for most things because disguising #wrinkles #darkcircles doesn’t matter. But Butter Buns has standards. For herself. As most nine-month-olds do.
To have Ms. Bunn’s ensemble match and be #cuteness head to toe is more noticeable than if said #entourage member is wearing wrinkled clothes or make-up. Because people notice babies #ButterBun’sPR #me. And I don’t care that I’m wearing something so wrinkled, it appears that I just rolled out of bed wearing my clothes for a nap #tooexhaustedtoiron or looking like the early thousands called and they want their knit gym-capris back. #letpeoplejudge. Yes, it’s 2016 and I wear dated gym clothes #comfortable and probably more often in public than my more fashion-forward husband would like. I’m really not stuck in a time-warp. I just don’t care. #priorities
In my defense, I’m at the #gym 5 very early mornings each week to #workout a couple hours each day and be back home before B leaves for work #notagymrat, but I go to sweat, maintain strength and keep extra pounds from revealing themselves. #gymsarenotsocialvenues I am vain, but more than that, because MS took so much from me years ago when I physically could not work-out when I very much desired to, #motivated #5yearsinawheelchair, it’s very important that I do what I am able to do, when I’m able to do it because I will never again take for granted that ability to walk independently of a #cane or #walker or at its worst, ultimately require a #wheelchair So understandably, years ago, petty priorities like shopping for present-day active-wear or taking time to add make-up, let alone sweat-proofing game face to prevent #racooneyes was deemed superfluous.
The moral of this tangented story is don’t judge the messenger who’s not only telling you “don’t judge,” but take into consideration that for the messenger, looking ultra fab all the time is impossible, unless you’re nine-months-old. #focusattentiononButter Buns.
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Baby-Girl is 9 months
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, Faith, family, Grace, Inspiration, prayer, Uncategorized on October 26, 2016
And in mid-February, when we were given custody of a precious seven point something baby, I swore to B and everyone else that I could easily care for and do this #foster-parenting thing without falling in love because Baby Girl would be with us only a couple of months. Which wasn’t enough time to #fallinlovewithbaby I didn’t birth. Right? And besides, it’s plenty of time for Baby-Girl’s mom to make-up her mind to get her act together and get her baby back because she can’t stand that someone else is loving and raising her daughter. Right? Right. How cocky? Ignorant? Ridiculous? All of the above, was I to think I had it all figured out.
How could I be so naive in thinking being home with her all day, every day, to take care of and provide for her needs and with each task look into her gorgeous eyes to smile at her, hold bottles for her, change diapers and tell her sweet-things about herself, like how beautiful and precious she is many times each day, would not allow us to bond? #mommybabybonding Right? Right. Come on, Jenn! Everyone, please do me a favor and do not let me pass “Go” or collect $200 because I was an imbecile for thinking the way I did. But, I really did believe what I believed, that I could do this without becoming emotional or attached. Step-aside #Girl-Wonder. I was successful in referring to myself as Miss Jenn for a few months(what the two and three olds called me) when B and I taught Sunday School and how those munchkins in our little class referred to me. But then Mother’s Day arrived and B said, “You know you’re Mommy to her, Jenn.” And I was like, “Um, no, we’re waiting for a boy so I can’t be mommy until we get him.” But then recognition dawned on me with B’s words and I finally got it. That for our baby girl, I am Mom.
Those snapshots with which God provided for me more than 18 months ago, urged B and I to #pray and later go through the licensing process of becoming foster-parents to adopt a little boy. Except I tawt I saw #Tweety Bird, thought I saw, assumed based on the limited snap-shots, that I really envisioned a little boy. With those repetitive snapshots of me with a child, B with the same faceless child and us with the same curly-haired, but faceless lighter-skinned child, I kept seeing a faceless three or four-year-old and what I thought was a boy with non-descript clothing and brown curly hair and assumed we’d be sharing our home with a little boy. Silly me. The first clue should have been when our licensing social worker called us in February to see if we’d be willing to take a baby-girl? Read that as God’s timing, but I still didn’t get it. We agreed because we thought it would be great experience to care for a baby, although I personally didn’t believe a baby girl would be with us for very long while our real child (unknown boy) was waiting for us somewhere out there #AmericanTail.
And then the real eye-opener happened October 5, God gave me a clear thought I believe was absolutely from him because I never would have considered such an absurd thing on my own, “What if you were mistaken in your interpretation of those snapshots, Jenn?” asked God. What?!? Mistaken? Me? I say absurd because I might resemble one of those people who can become completely absorbed in my limited tunnel-vision. So, here’s the thing… I was looking at Baby-Girl, aka Butter Buns, aka several other cute nick-names and really studied her as she was trying to crawl, when the undeniable hit me. #Lightning “What if I was mistaken?” thought came to mind, courtesy of my merciful Savior because I am stubborn and it might take me a few tries to really GET something. “Think, McFly, Think!” #BacktotheFuture Baby-Girl is lighter-skinned with brown, curly hair…
Thank you, Lord for opening my eyes. Because as I said, I never would’ve considered without inspiration from someone higher than me that we already had in our custody, the baby in those snapshots. Yes, contrary to the fantastic perception my devoted readers already have of my unshakable confidence [read as mule-like tendencies], I might resemble one who struggles with tunnel-vision. Because no one and by no one I mean I don’t get the important stuff wrong. Well, not very often anyway. Welcome humility and I’m going to need your help here for an indefinite residency.
Do you ever think you have it all figured out, only to receive a figurative slap upside the head and find, you might have been wrong?
GO HAWKS!
Jenn
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Our baby update and other stuff
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Faith, Inspiration, Maintaining Faith, MS, Uncategorized on August 11, 2016
We still have custody of Baby D. She turned six-months a bit ago and we started giving her solids. This child is a pig, disguised as a baby. Lol. No, really. If her current length is indicitive of height as an adult, she’ll definitely be tall. She smiles and laughs a lot with us and gets a lot of enjoyment from watching our resident critters. In recent days, she’s started to look like she’s going to crawl, but then changes her mind to flop onto her tummy or turns onto her back. Because I guess the effort to crawl is just too taxing for a six-month-old. I’m not by any means trying to predict what the end outcome will be for the end-story of her living with us, but as we’ve watched Baby D thrive and her birth-mom refuse to get clean, things might be leaning toward Baby D becoming ours.
We’ve had many changes in addition to Baby D joining our household mid-February. In March, we said farewell to our elderly pup, Ming Foo. Then early spring, after much prayer, God lead us to leave the church we attended the last three years and taught Sunday School to start-over at a new church. We were having a rough time creating a network of friends we could depend on to mutually encourage in our faith and trade baby/child sitting. Then in July, we had to say goodbye to another pet, our elder kitty, Hi-5, a polydactyl, who found us as an unclaimed stray in ’01. We’ve grieved all our pets, but his loss has been especially rough as he was the final pet in our original brood, that my husband and I adopted in our first home close to 20 years ago.
You know I have MS, but something you don’t know is since roughly the beginning of this year, I’ve kept my eyes on all the available different/new MS treatments. I’ve been doing injections since ’97, but I’m tired of injections. I want something that doesn’t require a needle, but based on side-effects, I’m not ready to deal with the issues one of the pill options might give me. My neurologist calls it ‘needle fatigue’. The first 15 years were daily injections, not including the weekly B-12 injections. If my calculations are accurate, I’ve done nearly 8,000 injections to myself in the last 20 years. It’s no wonder I’m tired of needles! Not to mention all the lipoatrophy that’s become obvious as a result of the limited menu of injection sites available… So, I’ve applied to be a candidate for a newer MS treatment. We pray about pretty much everything and have been praying that this treatment will be approved. This newer treatment has provided quite a bit of encouraging results. It’s an IV treatment for five days, wait a year, do it again and that’s it. As in no more MS related treatment IV’s and no more injections! EVER! Yay! What an incredible blessing this could be!
Being full-time mom for Baby D, settling into a new church, dealing with Baby D’s mom accosting me, losing pets, researching a new MS treatment, family related drama-for which I’ve been blamed and another sick pet have all contributed unwelcome stressors and I fell backward into white-knuckling everything once again, fearing everything. As B and I were talking last night, more than anything, this compilation of stuff on my plate with no resources to whom I can reach-out for a little help, has made it very obvious, God has sustained me through all of it. And the thing with Baby D’s mom getting in my face, God protected me through it because I recently found out, the mom’s record includes assaulting people. Thank you, Lord for protecting me and therefore, us because Baby was just sitting behind me in her carrier, protected when that happened.
He has a plan and I need not stress about anything: my life, Baby D, my husband, our pets, a new treatment, etc. I’m hopeful, but I also must rest in his devine answers and timing.
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