We have a cat, Inferno, appropriately named prior to learning just how full of piss, vinegar and attitude he really is.  My husband has been the primary decision-maker behind the choices of our critters as he is able to quickly assess if a new pet will ‘fit-in’ with the existing members of our brood.  Inferno is a very affectionate little guy, but compensates through ill-behavior.  Thor is our oldest kitty at 17-years and affectionately known as the Mama’s Boy.  One afternoon Thor attempted to explain to me just why Inferno is a bit snarky.  Thor said that he overheard Inferno explaining to the newest and youngest kitty Zephyr, “Showing affection is a sign of weakness, but the Mama (Me) loves it, so you should accommodate as your schedule allows.”  And yes, surprisingly our pets have schedules.  When I heard that portion I was as surprised as you are considering the twenty some hours they sleep each day.  Oh, you’re more surprised that they talk?  Come-on – your pets do too – you just have to listen.  So anyway, Thor was telling me all this as I was scratching his tummy and behind his ears one afternoon.  He tells me a lot of his co-pet-gossip while doing this.  Thor told me he also heard Inferno talking about how rough it was growing-up in Compton and how putting ‘caps’ in other cats backsides was the daily norm.  I said, that surprises me that Inferno told you that considering Inferno went from his birth-mama to the Humane Society where we adopted him the second day he was there.  So much for the rough streets in Compton…

Inferno is mid- top-row

So more about Inferno – I came home from grocery-shopping one morning and while putting away items in the pantry, I saw something in my peripheral-vision and did a double-take.  Inferno was walking around the kitchen on only his hind-legs, wearing a silk leopard-print smoking-jacket and carrying a coffee cup that says, “Talk to me before I finish my coffee and I’ll cut you.”   I stopped what I was doing and asked Inferno where he acquired the robe and he explained he was inspired by watching soaps and then went to some sort of surplus auction.  Yes, I also had the same next question about where he got the money for the aforementioned, robe and (since when do cats drink coffee, right?!?!) cup??  Apparently, there is an underground financial system for household pets companions.  Inferno insists on being called a ‘companion’ instead of ‘pet,’  because he CHOOSES to grace us with his presence on a daily basis.  Yes, I agree with you that he seems to be a tad entitled.  He’s also a cat-nip junkie -that’s what those green-flecks are that cover him in his picture above.

The underground pet companion financial system is based on a pet’s companion’s residence zip-code, so the better, the neighborhood, the better the (should I refer to the money as pet companion) ‘income or benefits?’  And from where is this underground money created?  It’s through their own selling and trading of ‘lost, stolen or missing’ collars, leashes, squeaker-toys, raw-hides, dental chew-toys, coveted canned-foods soft treats and pill-hiding treats both obtain the highest bids), and of course grooming shampoos, brushes/combs and clippers (all obtain the lowest bids) since many pets detest grooming.

Once I finished putting-away the groceries, I picked-up Inferno and sat on the sofa with him.  While he was on my lap, I scratched under his chin (his favorite) and he confessed that he wants to be nominated for Animalooza.  Inferno further explained that an Animalooza Award is for the best household pet companion in homes with more than one pet companion. Yes, he’s very, very entitled…  So we talked about everything he does right – purring and being affectionate, playing nice with and being (somewhat) of a good example with his younger brother Zephyr and then I stopped scratching him and asked if there was anything that he thinks he might do better.  Inferno said, “No, I’m good.”  I pointed out that his shenanigans in terrorizing Hi-5 must stop if he wants such an award nomination in the future because as of now, such a nomination would be misplaced.  Then Inferno proceeded to explain that, “Hi-5’s counseling sessions with the blank wall behind the curtains are for Hi-5’s mental improvement.”  I pointed-out, “The walls are blank, therefore, no one is counseling Hi-5,” and Inferno said he knew that, but Hi-5 doesn’t know any different.  “Since Hi-5 is not really getting counseled,” I told Inferno, “You must stop charging Hi-5 for the bogus sessions.”  Inferno argued, “But a guy’s gotta make a living!”

Despite providing pointless and overly charged therapy sessions for Hi-5, Inferno still amuses me.  He is sweet and has traditions like waking me at 4:30 am so that I can lift the comforter when crawls under the covers to curl-up next to me and sings (purrs) us both back to sleep.  The silk smoking jacket is butt-ugly, but Inferno confidently wears his bad taste in lounge-wear and we might kind-of love his smart-alec tendencies.

Do your pets talk?  Do they have alter-egos?

~Jenn