I’ve mentioned that I have MS, but be confident that I only mention the relevance again because I realized as I’ve blogged, I’ve failed to explain not only why I believe in God and have a relationship with him, but also why I continue to believe.  God has stretched my faith over the years, but most noticeably during the last two.  The first time was over a decade ago when MS side-lined me by placing me in a wheelchair.  Back then, If I wanted to remain an active part of society, a wheelchair was mandatory for outings like a trip to the mall or for supporting all my family and friends who obtained donations for and walked with supporters of the annual MS Walk.  Being forced into an uncomfortable position was humbling.  I hated asking for help, but my circumstances muscled me out of my comfort-zone and created a much-needed level of humility. 

I was in a wheelchair for a few years learning to give-up everything to God when I stumbled upon information that God allowed to be used to improve my health and essentially over time placed my MS in ‘remission,’ which was faith test number one.  I was grateful that God allowed me to find the information, but it didn’t take me long to start taking everything for granted, like the awesome miraculous healing that I received, like the ongoing physical help I received from family and friends when they pushed my wheelchair, like the encouragement God provided when I was in my pit of despair.  Within a year of God healing me, I failed to make my personal devotions and prayer time a priority and elevated myself to being too busy to make time for God.  I became both arrogant and ignorant for esteeming myself so highly and thinking that if I hadn’t located the healing information, MS still would have gotten better because I’m Jenn and I’m…awesome.  Shame on me for over-esteeming myself when I should have praised God for a priceless blessing!

Fast forward several years to 2012 when we were in the process of buying a home in Nevada and it was shortly thereafter, that my husband and I began having marital issues.  All of this background is necessary to explain that God was again humbling me and drawing me back to him because I had placed God ‘on-hold,’ but was beginning to recognize that by not allowing him to guide me daily, I made unwise decisions.  Also by not allowing God to provide my path, I became as much part of the ‘problem’ as I had determined my husband was.  Could I get another shame on me?!  It was plainly obvious my husband was making bad decisions, but I could have just placed my faith in God, that the Holy Spirit would convict my husband instead of Divinely anointing myself to be God’s chosen messenger to convict my husband.  I should have asked God to guide me in the situation because although I was late getting on board with GOD‘s plan, He worked through both of us and is continuing to work in us.  And praise God because it was only because of his Divine intervention, obviously minus my misguided help, that we are still married and committed to remain that way and work through issues instead of giving up and becoming another statistic, which was faith test number two.  

I’ll fast forward again to when my husband’s favorite job-to-date was eliminated as the organization could no longer afford to employ a graphic designer.  It was almost immediate after losing that position that he felt God telling him that we should return to Washington.  My husband sharing that piece of news was the best thing I’d heard since we moved to Nevada because it was an answer to prayer.  I’ve never felt settled in NV and with each challenge presented, I felt it was ‘just another’ consequence of not seeking God prior to moving a few years ago.  If we had waited for God’s leading, we likely would not have moved instead of being lead by our own selfish desires to get away from the surplus of Pacific Northwest rain.  So, since last October, moving and my husband locating work has been in our daily prayer.  He’s applied for many positions between where we live in NV and where we want to return in Washington and there’s been little response.  My husband has built a very strong resume, but God hasn’t opened any likely doors that would accommodate his background or even any unlikely doors for positions he could perform with little or no training.  The last six months have created a stronger faith in God for both of us because when his unemployment benefits run out, that’s it.  As in the income is final, at which point we’ll be dependent on my small disability income.  As this is a tad scary, our current set of circumstances has enveloped us in faith test number three.    

One may wonder why I don’t work.  My skill-set within the financial industry became null and void when those attention-to-detail related skills were what ultimately required me to take a short-term leave-of-absence only to cause permanent disability.  My husband is the bread-winner and actively pursuing employment every day.  During the last six months, while he’s been applying for employment,  I’ve been packing the house.  I’ve been boxing-up our belongings because the fact is that in April, our income is final with a limited number of days before we’ll have to be out of our home.  Have I mentioned this is a tad scary to be packed-up with nowhere to go?  Our home now is bare-bones with only the empty larger pieces of furniture remaining in the house as they’re too heavy for us to move to the garage.  Shelves, drawers and nearly all cupboards are packed with only the essentials available, which means that at any point, we’re probably close to 98.5% ready to load a moving-truck and start the caravan north.  My husband’s final unemployment benefits arrive next week and our six-month safety-net will also be dried-up, which also will nearly empty our savings.  And there is nothing indicative that allows us to start creating an action-plan.  I think a typical person would be in the midst of a severe panic-attack and scared-to-death of our situation, but as the drop-date has hovered closer and even closer, God has given both of us a tremendous sense of peace.  The adage that ‘God meets you where you are’ has been confirmed over and over through this and more recently, even more consistently.  Yes, we’re clear that people think we’re ignorant and foolish for believing in an unseen God.  However,  understand that because God has already proven his faithfulness in healing my MS, in healing our marriage and providing an abundance of answers to prayer for family, not to mention providing significant guidance throughout the Bible(not that He needed to), combined with the fact that we are doing what we’re supposed to in seeking him and praying for answers, that we have no reason to doubt God’s promise to provide a break-through.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

We also believe that God has allowed my husband to remain unemployed so that we would have the time to get into more positive habits of daily devotions and prayer time together, of which we’ve taken full-advantage.   Our daily devotions and prayer time has further solidified our spiritual walks.  Now, if my husband played video games and did nothing of value each day, then there would be a problem having faith while doing nothing that promoted faith, but as that is not the case, we remain faithful in believing that God will soon provide the financial means to get us back to Washington, since it’s clear that’s where He’s guiding us since He has not opened a door to work in Nevada.  Each day we see daily email scripture subscriptions and at church every week, we hear a much-needed message that relates to waning faith, which is ultimately enough to help us stay the course and energize us to ‘keep the faith’ another day as we continue to trust in God.  Back when I was learning to trust in God, the following became my ‘go-to’ source of encouragement and still remains, Isaiah 40:31, “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  Trusting in God also means trusting in his timing.  God is never late and He is always, always on-time.   We have placed our trust in God about this entire situation and look forward to and are praying that God would be preparing us for whatever blessing is on the horizon.