Archive for category Neurological Conditions
Strike 3 and the right parathyroid is outta here!
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Bible, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Grace, health, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, Relapsing Remitting, Uncategorized, Women with MS on December 16, 2021
Said the Jenn 7 months ago in a blog draft immediately following the right parathyroid extraction surgery anticipating I would immediately feel better and immediately get to resume my routine. Yet, here we are and there has not been one noticeable positive change. I’ve retrogressed. Badly. So much so that in March I began to consider going to the Mayo Clinic as my last ditch effort to get fresh eyes on this situation as I’ve been determined to obtain answers. So, after filling out a ton of health background forms, I finally scheduled an appointment and reached out to my team of physicians to please provide whatever the Mayo Clinic needed. They agreed verbally, but when it came down to actually faxing my history to Mayo, they couldn’t be bothered. My neurologist, for example, got covid and almost died so unfortunately for patients like me, her priorities changed and following through on a simple commitment, in which she had a month to send the needed blood work treatment summaries information
The little culprit was taken out December 15, yet the last several months have provided an immense level of frustration. My ENT and I had placed so much hope in my health improving with the right parathyroid extraction. Imagine the disappointment of realizing I hadn’t improved. Of realizing the surgery was in vain. Of wondering if there are answers? And realizing this pile of horse-crap that I was handed might be the most and the best that the Jenn has in which to look forward…
Several months ago in March I began entertaining thoughts of going to the Mayo Clinic. Great idea, correct? I mean they’re world-renowned experts, right? My motivation was to get fresh-eyes on my situation. I have seen 3 Endocrinologists, 3 ENT’s, 2 Neurologists, 1 OBGYN (for that list of ongoing female issues) and a PCP and a naturopath in the last 12 months, yet not 1 had a fresh perspective or idea. Apparently they no longer encourage those physicians with fresh outside the box ideas like Dr. Gregory House to explore those anomalies which ultimately have a cause, but lack interesting substance or maybe it’s the ultimate motivation. Money. Perhaps doctors have written me off because of my health and that I won’t be around long enough to make it worth the effort.
The Mayo neurologist in Scottsdale definitely had a predetermined narrative. I shared everything that was going sideways with my health, when it began, etc and she had a pre- formulated prognosis. That I was experiencing PPMS. What?!? That still doesn’t make any sense. My regular neurologist had not even shared that as a possibility. Almost 28 years since the MS diagnosis in 1994, 26 of which have been symptomatic and under prescription treatment, so denial of this disease is not even in not even in the scope of possibility. Maybe your denial, but definitely not mine. Hypercalcaemia, osteoporosis, anemia, hyperthyroidism, Hashimotos, and then there are those pesky uterine fibroids that have no relation to PPMS that cause an obnoxious bleeding to excessive amounts of bleeding every month during my cycle for 3-12 days or however long my annoying Aunt Flo comes to visit. So how may I get answers to those questions, Mayo Clinic? But wait, expert Doctor, as I recall, you couldn’t be bothered to listen as you interrupted with your expert prognosis.
B and I packed-up and drove home with T after my appointment at the Mayo. We were both numb from shock, having anticipated a very different experience with hopes of driving away with positive outcomes and treatment options. I was not this round’s lottery winner.
One year ago…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Football, fun, Grace, health, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, news, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, toddlers, trends to consider, Uncategorized, Women with MS on November 7, 2021
My PCP diagnosed me with anemia. A few months later, I received the hypercalcaemia diagnosis from my endocrinologist, quickly followed by an Osteoporosis diagnosis and put on a drug that might cause me to lose a tooth or two. I want to be off that drug ASAP. Despite all the cumulative crap I’ve been dealing with since ‘17, I finally have a sliver of good news to share.
My endocrinologist at my July appointment basically threw-up his hands and said he’s sending me to an ENT because my symptoms don’t match my numbers, but he believes there’s something indicitive of a tumor, although the thyroid and parathyroid ultrasounds and nuclear medicine tests revealed nothing. My downward spiral of symptoms going from a pretty healthy patient (minus the MS) to going straight down a toilet as my gait in just a few months became that of a 90-year-old trying to be purposeful with each labored step.
Last weekend at church, as I walked to my vehicle and I heard someone behind me and glanced back to see who it was. The older gentleman has always reminded me of my late grandfather and I stopped so he could catch-up to me. He said he had never seen me walk so slow. I laughed and asked if it was really that noticable. Then he went on to explain how he’d always seen me actively chasing the little ones all over and then said he was keeping me in prayer. I tend to be guarded about sharing anything specific, but last Sunday morning, I was confident that the Holy Spirit put it on my heart to share with a few people at church that I was scheduled for surgery December 15 for a pararthyroidectomy.
My endocrinologist did send me to an ENT, who after viewing all the pictures, labs and radiology reports, sent me to another ENT. Well that ENT sent me to his ENT, who is head of the ENT department at the university in town and his MA was able to schedule me for an appointment to see him a week later. I told B I was tempted to cancel the appointment because I was tired of wasting my time and being referred and referred to another doctor, and another doctor, etc. B asked me to keep the appointment and if I still walked away after the appointment feeling dislcouraged and like I wasted my time, then we would seek other treatment. Funny how I get so frustrated that I might have some extreme tendencies to for example, jump off cliffs because it just makes more sense to me to do something drastic , ya know) and then B has this level of discernment that can reel me in and produce peace with a few words.
Well that ENT, about 60 seconds into the appointment, said he had viewed and studied the pictures of my parathyroid and explained he believed at least one part, potentially two of the four-part parathyroid had tumors. I asked him how long he had specialized in ENT studies. 30 years. Only 30 years!! Then he said, “ I’ve seen this before, these symptoms and pictures . I’m confident if we do the 15 minute surgery to take out the parathyroid, that you should start feeling better almost immediately in the recovery room.” And with those few words, those tear ducts started filling up. You might remember that this girl does not cry…. her eyes sweat.
The end of the tunnel just became brighter…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, Faith, family, health, Inspiration, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, toddlers, Uncategorized, Women with MS on November 5, 2021
When MS became more than MS with the unforseen truckload of additional health issues caused by the drug Lemtrada, I really questioned God and his faithfulness. I’m very aware there was never a guarantee that my life would be obstacle free. In fact as a Christian, it is a sure thing that God will allow trials for my own growth.
Having problems pushed me to know him better or have I reacted by becoming closed-up or anti-social?
As problems manifest, I have been prone to isolation. It’s way more comfortable than sharing anything for which folks will likely shun me anyway. So, in a sense I’m doing my future self a favor. Right? Totally. Except. God didn’t create any person to survive alone, but thrive with others to support, encourage, lift-up during times such as these. And there I was isolating myself at home, doing distance church from my iPad at home to avoid being a burden or a slow-poke with my cane or avoid questions like , “what happened?” from nosy-nellies posing as concerned people who care.
Ouch. Thank you, Lord for convicting me of being narcissistic and shame on me for doubting anyone’s intentions. That’s my normal reaction, but it dawned on me, (again thank you, Lord) last week watching church, that with all this crap going on with my health, that I have a fantastic testimony opportunity. And so after many weeks at home during church, but watching from a distance, I put on my big-girl pants and went back to church.
For an incredible reason. For B and I to have our two-year-old daughter dedicated at church. Didn’t I mention we had a foster child in our home? That we officially adopted at the beginning of August?
Ongoing Variables
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Bible, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Grace, health, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, Uncategorized, Women with MS on April 6, 2021
Prior to the five day Lemtrada treatment in ’16, a team of lab consultants and vampires phlebotemists took eight vials of blood along with the contents of my bladder to establish my base-lines for what my normal numbers were. My thyroid, and red and white blood cells were all completely within a normal range in that analysis two weeks prior to the Lemtrada commencement. Even with Multiple Sclerosis, all these were very much within the range labeled “normal.” I’m explaining this because the following will be somewhat of a brief meaning of the physiological changes that occurred following treatment. We knew of the potential side effects that could happen and from reading the disclosures, there were definitely adverse side effect occurances. With the information that MS could be eliminated through the treatment, I saw the treatment as a calculated risk.
Well, I became the Lemtrada anomaly. My neurologist received reports following those monthly labs to show how my body continued to respond to the treatment. About five months post Lemtrada my thyroid started showing things were changing so off I went to an endocrinologist who put me on medication to control the overcompensating hyperthyroid and a few months later, it became hypothyroidism for my underactive thryoid. Apparently my thyroid couldn’t make up its mind.
In the middle of all this the endocrin diagnosed me with Hashimotos, with vague instructions to stay away from gluten. I thought for a second that that was going to be easy to stay away! How silly was I? Once I researched gluten and found that it was in bread – I love baking bread – and that gluten is in so many of my favorite things {read as nearly everything} many candies I enjoy that include red licorice. But then once I became intentional to stay away from gluten for a month, which began in February 2019, things changed. Those chronic gut aches finally ceased. Over time, gluten-free has become more of a staple in grocery stores as gluten-free snack options are more available. While all these changes started in me and I needed to create my new normal , I was delighted to discover gluten-free snacks in stock with Amazon Prime. Did I mention Gluten-free chocolate covered pretzels?!?! Yum! Simply delightful.
Then a couple months later, the medication changed back to control my hyperthyroid’s overactive antics, but that didn’t go well but after all the nonsense, my numbers finally leveled-off. Then, of all the obscure causes why I didn’t respond well to the prescription, my endocrin said I was allergic to the dye in the prescription pills, so she wrote the Rx in such a way so my pharmacy filled the Rx with non-dyed pills. But then my encodcrinologist moved to Sweden and I was not responding well to the medication anyway so I opted to elimininate the idea of finding another endocrinologist. I didn’t really like her. My first appointment with her was weird. She asked many questions about when and how the MS was diagnosed and in that I explained that auto-immune was in my genes so it was definitely in my genetic make up to rear it’s ugly head. The doc’s take-away was telling me that I missed my calling to go to medical school and figure out why my MS was affecting me and why auto-immune put a target on my family or why Lemtrada screwed up my physiology. Apparently her playbook for me was to discover why I should’ve become a world-reknowned doctor who discovered a cure for MS. I’m not kidding or exagerating about one iota of this.
I would love to say I fired that doc, but timing was such that when I decided to not see this endocrin any longer, she went MIA over-seas. I took the opportunity to be in control, which I should’ve done at the beginning of all this nonsense and researched thyroid supplements and those most highly rated on Amazon. I read many reviews and ordered one supplement. I took for a couple months, but then after I decided that chronic diarhea, even as a temporary side-effect really sucked, I ordered a different highly rated supplement. And “Behold! No chronic diarhea? We had a winner!” Said Jenn after taking it for a month with no unwelcome side-effects. So with the supplement, I felt decent and have continued taking it for a few years now.
Then last September, my (now remember I had to agree to monthly labs for five years following Lemtrada.). Things started changing again with my physiology and my neurologist called and asked me to take a copy of my labs with me to see my PCP. What’s changed this time? I started feeling sick in mid-September ’20. Those labs said I was anemic. Apparently, as of February I’m no longer anemic, but if that’s true why am I still experiencing heart palpitations? Coincidentally, I just felt lousy. This coming December, it will have been five years since Lemtrada ended, but changes were still happening. My internal system has allegedly flushed the toxic chemical cocktail from my body, but things are going awry. For a couple years I put reading my Bible on hold while I was working through my anger at God for allowing our first foster placement after two years with us from birth, be sent to an unknown distant family member in St. Louis.
Perhaps the stress from that situation was another culprit for making my health go sideways. Whatever is going on, I feel like I’m in a fight for my life right now. My new Endocrin tested me for a list of about 25 things in December. A few of those things included conditions related to osteoporosis because with my initial intake appointment with him, he looked at my prior bloodwork and saw that in my urine, there is a high level of calcium, which isn’t normal. My body is leaking calcium. I’m too young to have osteoporosis. Which means I will need surgery to put a stop to this and have my parathyroid removed. I sought a second opinion and that doctor was in agreement that the parathyroid is indeed the problem child. I have an appointment for a bone density scan which should confirm the need for surgery and with the parathyroid removed, it should put a stop to the “calcium leak.”
https://youtube.com/watch?v=X1eMZWiOJ0a0&feature=share
Last June I began reading my Bible again and it’s timely that I am reading Job in the middle of my own health nightmare. God is faithful. I’ve seen and experienced healing in myself and others in years passed. But I’ve doubted him so much and prayed for my own end in order to to be rid of what I know will likely be temporary pain and discomfort. The pain and chronic discomfort that I’ve felt in the last six months is like nothing I’ve experienced before. God healed my MS in 2005. He healed my Dad’s cancer and continues to keep it away. So how dare I doubt his goodness?!?! One of B’s clients has a mom who is also a believer and she told my husband she had a dream about me and that she received a word that I would be healed. But like the Isrealites and their chronic complaining through the desert for 40 years for an 11 day journey, I have to keep my faith and remind myself that like Danny Gokey’s song, I “Just Haven’t Seen It Yet.” The light at the end of the tunnel has become faint, but I have to have faith that my struggles have not been in vain.
I am a work in progress…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Funny, Grace, health, Humor, in the kitchen, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, Marriage Encouragement, Mommy’s musings, MS, MS Fight Club, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, Therapeutic House-pets, Uncategorized, Women with MS on April 3, 2021
I was blogging with somewhat of a purpose, but then I started analyzing and reanalyzing every stinking thing I do and do not do. I feel like a mouse trapped in a maze because I have been all over the map trying to figure out what my point is and answer the million dollar question of why do I do what I do? I’ve ultimately determined that my blog is for me. When I began blogging some years ago. I had hopes illusions of reaching a massive following for those with MS and/or their care-partners and even more of those who were interested in knowing more about being a Christ-follower in the middle of battling a debilitating illness and trying to mainfain faith and trust that God was still good when my Multiple Sclerosis was spiraling out of control.
And it was. I went from being for the most part able-bodied and independent to having to learn to self-catheterize when I couldn’t empty my bladder on my own. Using a cane became obsolete when I had to graduate to using a walker and finally upgrade to a wheelchair all within six months … and back then in October 2001 when I was struggling in my position and could no longer do my job as a consumer loan officer, my neuroligist said I likely wouldn’t see my 30th birthday, which was still some years away. I’m briefly explaining all that to get around to my point that I am going to blog for me because I enjoy writing. If anyone follows my non-nonsensical gibberish or rantings that get tossed around in my mind, then sure, I hope you enjoy yourself, are encouraged or at the least, can smile at something said, but don’t expect anything Nobel prize worthy. I’m writing for myself as it can be therapeutic. My story is not debateable because it is MY experience and I will not apologize for MY convictions. Consider that fair-warning.
As a Christian I do get mad, upset or annoyed when unexpected circumstances or events (like bad health) put a hiccup in MY plans. Really? Indeed. Because I am a control-feak extrordinaire, but am always trying to give up my own illusions of what I want and instead work toward fulfilling God’s plan for my life. I am a sinner. That’s not a badge, just a recognition that I am so far from being perfect. I have made some massive mistakes that years later, I still struggle with forgiving myself. I am a Christ-follower. There is a difference because many label themselves as Christians, but they don’t have a relationship with God, pray etc.
Be confident that that is not a judgement of anyone because only God knows an individual’s heart. I am actively seeking God’s will for my life on a continual basis and although I mess-up many times every day, I try to stay on-track. I have a lot of Biblical head kowledge, but am trying to get myself to having more heart knowledge. That is not a pat on my back for ‘intentions’ because intentions do NOT count or provide any points for scoring if that’s how you grade yourself. 2000 years later, Jesus still remains the only perfect human. Perfection is impossble, but God is always at work in people’s lives to refine us into who we’re supposed to be for his purposes.
Too big to not share
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Faith, Football, Grace, Inspiration, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS Fight Club, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting MS, Uncategorized on November 2, 2016
With everything going on and my ever increasing #MSinducedmemoryproblems, I have to share this while I’m thinking about it or “POOF!” it’ll be gone and I’ll forget again because #MultipleSclerosis is playing hardball with my short-term memory retention these days. We’re at T minus 10 days until I start the #Lemtrada round one treatment.
Monday morning last week, B #husband #love texted me shortly after he got to work to say that he had some big #news and would share when he got home, but I was busy with the #baby #love and then getting #cleaning stuff done around the house #clean #addict and then POOF, my husband’s text was forgotten! That thought was gone and I didn’t think twice about it. I had dinner ready and Baby was fed when B came home, so he changed his clothes #relaxation and then we immediately said a dinner blessing. He was anxious to share whatever it was and I’d forgotten about the big news so I hesitated and put the burrito #dinner back on the plate. At his job, B’s an #art #mentor for mentally handicapped students and a student’s mom had called first thing that morning to let the staff know her son would be home sick that day, but as long as B answered the phone, Mary said she had something to share with him. She shared with B that a few days before, #God had placed on her heart to fast and #pray for me, but she didn’t know why.
Now, my #health is generally not a topic of conversation for either of us with strangers, especially for B at work, where unless I’m experiencing a symptom like vertigo that has required him to be home to care for Baby, other than a few people, no one really knows the rough issues with my #relapsingremittingms that rarely require him to be home, thankfully. B said that at one point, he had shared with Mary, who is also a #Believer, my testimony of walking again #miracle after being in a wheelchair for years. You must remember I do not cry, but my eyes occasionally sweat, mostly from allergies #denial. B then shared that a few days after fasting and praying for me, God told Mary I was going to be #healed. Initiate single eye-sweating program. I felt very #blessed that a person I met only once, might feel a burden to fast and pray for me, but I said nothing, then he repeated, “Jenn, Mary said God told her you’re going to be healed soon.” Level-up. Initiate inadvertent dual eye-sweating sequence…
So, in no way did I believe I could deserve something so big since I already received such a significant blessing years ago allowing me to walk again #amazing. It’s like I think my blessing bowl can be filled only once in a life-time. It’s definitely a process to consistently stop negative thoughts and immediately redirect and recognize those thoughts are inspired by the enemy telling me, “You don’t deserve ___.” I must stop such thoughts many times each day. My husband is fantastic to gently remind me that #Godismerciful and doesn’t use a pay-for-play method of forgiveness or blessing.
What?!? But I already was healed from having to depend on a wheelchair 11 years ago! #miracle Oh no-those sweat-glands in my eyes failed in a big way and my eyes began sweating profusely. I was confused how I was deserving of such a magnificent #blessing. I have a performance-based blessing mentality so I’m actively working to clean-out many years of negative internal-dialogue. I am still working toward recognizing performance based blessing in no way resembles my merciful and loving Savior. #nonsensestopshere I must be conscientious to make sure I do not repeat those methods with our foster #babyblessing, who my husband and I very much hope to #adopt.
I always use speaker-phone so my hands are free to do other mindless tasks like fold laundry while I “chat.” Unfortunately though, while my phone was on speaker a few months ago, B overheard everything loud and clear so there was no misinterpretation of conversation lecture verbiage about consequences I’m apparently still suffering, making B get a sour taste of that performance-based affection. “Now I know why you operate with a pay-for-play mentality. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart – I might get it now.” Things might have the ability to stick and set the tone for one’s dysfunctional internal dialogue for years, but it really is changing. #praiseGod #Jesussaves
I’m excited because as this Lemtrada treatment situation has unfolded over the past few months with God opening doors for my grant application to be immediately approved for funding the treatment, my faith steadily increasing and doubt finally gone and being at peace that although risky, Lemtrada is in fact the vehicle through which God will deliver healing as Lemtrada is the only treatment able to heal previous MS damage. #peacethatpassesallunderstanding This is exactly where God is guiding me and with healing, I believe He’s also preparing me for great things. Lord, I’m ready now. #amen
And of course, GO HAWKS!
Jenn
Baby-Girl aka dare I say Diva, in the making?
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Babies, family, Humor, Inspiration, life, lifestyle, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, MS, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Uncategorized on November 2, 2016
Butter Buns must accompany me all the time, so rest assured that when I have to go anywhere for myself-doctor appointments, allergy shots, etc., she must accompany me and I put way more effort into making #sweetbaby Ms. Buns #nickname more presentable #ooohs #ahs than myself. Because baby cuteness factor supercedes everything. And she is thankful for that. Although she hasn’t said much beyond baby-babble at this point, it’s clear that she sees me as part of her #butterbunsposse, although my presence must be silent support #unnoticed. I am one of her #peeps for this potential #divainthemaking. It doesn’t matter that I am make-up free for most things because disguising #wrinkles #darkcircles doesn’t matter. But Butter Buns has standards. For herself. As most nine-month-olds do.
To have Ms. Bunn’s ensemble match and be #cuteness head to toe is more noticeable than if said #entourage member is wearing wrinkled clothes or make-up. Because people notice babies #ButterBun’sPR #me. And I don’t care that I’m wearing something so wrinkled, it appears that I just rolled out of bed wearing my clothes for a nap #tooexhaustedtoiron or looking like the early thousands called and they want their knit gym-capris back. #letpeoplejudge. Yes, it’s 2016 and I wear dated gym clothes #comfortable and probably more often in public than my more fashion-forward husband would like. I’m really not stuck in a time-warp. I just don’t care. #priorities
In my defense, I’m at the #gym 5 very early mornings each week to #workout a couple hours each day and be back home before B leaves for work #notagymrat, but I go to sweat, maintain strength and keep extra pounds from revealing themselves. #gymsarenotsocialvenues I am vain, but more than that, because MS took so much from me years ago when I physically could not work-out when I very much desired to, #motivated #5yearsinawheelchair, it’s very important that I do what I am able to do, when I’m able to do it because I will never again take for granted that ability to walk independently of a #cane or #walker or at its worst, ultimately require a #wheelchair So understandably, years ago, petty priorities like shopping for present-day active-wear or taking time to add make-up, let alone sweat-proofing game face to prevent #racooneyes was deemed superfluous.
The moral of this tangented story is don’t judge the messenger who’s not only telling you “don’t judge,” but take into consideration that for the messenger, looking ultra fab all the time is impossible, unless you’re nine-months-old. #focusattentiononButter Buns.
My application was approved!
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Neurological Conditions, Uncategorized on September 8, 2016
The last several months I’ve dreaded doing my MS drug treatment injections. Dreaded. As in I will wait AVOID and wait AVOID some more until I cannot AVOID it any longer on my injection days and have to make-up my mind to just do my darn shot. 8000 daily injections (some days two) in 16 years might have that effect. Despite nurses coming out to my home and observing my shot routines and trying new shot depths for the injection device, I could not get injection site swelling reactions to cease or even diminish so my injection sites were finally limited to my hips and tummy, where it’s less painful because ultimately and consistently, I still need my medication. Six weeks ago, we saw my neurologist, asked a lot of questions based on our research of available non-injection drug treatments and I realized my tolerance is high for drugs that could potentially kill me, versus low for drug treatments that could cause me nausea. I actually find that very amusing.
The thing is all MS drug treatments have that little disclaimer that they might cause death, but that number is so low and related to patients who already had other issues going on. So when all this dread began a while back, we started praying about a new drug option. Our faith is not in a drug, but that God will allow the drug to be the vehicle that improves my disease status. As we started praying for doors to be opened with this treatment, but clearly shut if this was not something to pursue, the doors opened quickly and have remained open, which answered our question, but I began doubting because everything was falling in to place, too fast, in my opinion.
Then, God asked if I would doubt his provision of the opportunity for which we prayed… I felt convicted and finally my husband shared that he’d been praying for the doors tobe wide open or nailed shut. After our research, we definitely leaned toward a particular drug, but lacked the needed funding. It’s expensive. Why are chronic disease treatment meds so stinking expensive? I’ll tell you why. Because drug companies make way more money treating a “no-cure-in-sight” chronic illness than to patent any available disease management improving treatments. The drug that I’ve been pursuing is not a cure, but a disease-altering method of disease management. Many of the individuals who have taken the drug were at a bad place disease-wise where this drug was their final hope and this drug delivered for them.
For now, I’ll start making a list of all the symptoms that I hope and pray will diminish or disappear as a result of this treatment and keep doing my now three-times-per-week shots because I’ve been approved and funded for this new treatment. With the end in-sight, I’ve developed short-timers and am anxious for this new treatment chapter to begin. Treatment will begin sometime in the next few weeks at which point, I’ll name the drug and all the little details that go with it.
Merry Christmas!
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, Grace, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, MS, MS Fight Club, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, Stress and MS, Women with MS on December 25, 2013
Yesterday, we made plans to visit Las Vegas’s hotels that display extravagant and beautiful Christmas decor. We set a time to get-together with another couple (my husband’s pseudo-family), but we got distracted and failed to call the other couple in a timely fashion to let them know we were running late. My husband asked me to call and warned that there’d be “drama.” I called and apologized and laughed explaining that we didn’t realize it was so late, but before I could even finish an apology, the wife interrupted by unleashing a tirade about ruining their day, ruining their plans, etc., then hung up on me. Wow! Silly me, because I thought the practice of hanging up on someone, was, “So junior high!” but this retired woman is nearly a half of a century late for bringing-back the immature behavior.
But……. that wasn’t the first time. About eighteen months ago, the wife (very much a stranger at the time) pulled the same stunt, yelling at me, unleashing her verbal venom that began when I returned her call. Her prior message neither indicated it was urgent or life-threatening, so when I did call her back within a couple of days, she began her tirade with, “You’re so selfish, Jennifer for not calling sooner, you’ve always been selfish and it’s no wonder why people think you’re selfish.” Clearly, she has control issues in that she does not maintain any effective filters or maintain self-control or consideration for the damage she causes during her rantings. Bless her daughter-in-law who explained that they take the high-road because it costs to much to be involved when the wife is mid-metamorphosis into Wifezilla. No wonder they limit their contact! We’re not even actual family, so my guess is that everyone gets their “fair-share” of the woe-man’s mean-streak.
Return to present when my husband heard yesterday’s call because it was on speaker. He got an angry message from the husband shortly after Wifezilla ranted at me and said he’d wait a day to call. The whole thing should not have been a “thing,” but the way she yelled and spewed, one might think that the world ended. Good grief – it was a plan to see some Christmas lights! I received a call this morning from the husband, saw who on caller ID, but before I answered, I prayed and asked God over and over to allow cooler heads to prevail. I was never angry, just a little irritated that this was even an issue in the first place. Our call was friendly and he said they’d cooled off (thank you, Lord) and when he paused, I took the opportunity to express that our intent was never to “ruin everyone’s day,” we were distracted, I was sorry for not calling sooner and that I hoped we can all get past this. I am thankful that the husband called and used clear thinking in this situation because Wife’s habit of dramatic histrionics is over-the-top and unnecessary.
I place emphasis on the point to avoid getting caught up in irrelevant, nonsensical situations like this. I learned from various experience in the past, that stress is very much a catapult to an MS retrogression. Once I learned to not allow various stress triggers into my thought-patterns and over-all-life, my health improved. It became simple to “not play a culprit’s game.” Yesterday, when I didn’t react to the woe-man’s theatrics, I did myself a favor and at the same time, I did not give in to the not-so-enticing temptation that Satan dangled before me, and therefore honored God. I did take the high road and that isn’t to praise my own self-control, but to convey the necessity of recognizing one’s stress-triggers. Learning to recognize and control these triggers by walking away from them or choosing to NOT engage in them, is essential especially for family / friend gatherings. Remember gatherings are supposed to be celebratory and by giving in to engaging in nonsense, we take attention away from the focal point.
Because I am away from my family in Washington through 2013’s holidays, I am so grateful for the years and years of family birthdays, Thanksgivings and Christmases. I miss my family terribly and I think because of this silly situation, I am even more sensitive to NOT allowing irrelevant crap take the spotlight from the reason for the season. A few days ago, I wrote the entry “Filterless.” Today’s entry piggy-backed on “Filterless.” Appreciate and love your families to the fullest. Don’t miss an occasion to share that you love your families and friends and don’t waste the opportunity to apologize if needed as there may not be another opportunity to do so. Thank you for reading. Have a very Merry Christmas!
Filterless: an act of failing to use courtesy or common sense in conversation
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, Grace, Living with MS, Maintaining Faith, MS, MS Fight Club, Neurological Conditions, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Women with MS on December 18, 2013
I’ve missed writing the last few weeks, but my absence gave me a much-needed opportunity to reevaluate my blog as I’ve continued reading several that I follow. Most blogs are treated as an appropriate means of communicating information, ideas or suggestions, recipes, life, or health challenges, etc. and I want to applaud those who successfully maintain their blogs with consistent posts and varied topics. The past weeks I’ve been discouraged, unmotivated to write and actively trying to understand what has been pressing on me about my blog. When something is unclear or “bugging” me, I address it in prayer and ask God to reveal to me whatever “it” is and God will often cause me to think of something in a direction where my mind was not even going or cause me to recognize something about myself or something I should pray for family or friends in the midst of my daily activities. I was focused on blogging about MS, but it’s obvious I must steer this in another direction because I want to be a source of encouragement, but there is only so much I can address without sounding like “Debbie Downer,” so now I’ll add life observations, situations, challenges how my faith makes a difference in approaching those factors.
In reading other blogs, I have a concern with reader responses and more specifically blog-following individuals who fail to use or recognize their pre-existing Common Sense Filter prior to responding to a blogger’s post. A friend’s blog addressed her struggles with her children who both have autism and somehow a reader thought they had the “right” to stand in superior judgement of why it’s my friend’s fault that her kids have autism. Really? Yes. This foolish person had the audacity to blame my friend for her children’s autism, but it was humbling to see this “expert” had the time to preach and condemn my friend! My hope is that last statement in Italics reeked of my second language, sarcasm, in which I am exceptionally fluent and when life provides a plethora of material for me to work with, it’d be a shame to waste my “gift.”
To the autism expert, if my friend is that lacking in your obviously perfected level of parenting autistic children, you might consider offering helpful suggestions rather than judgement. In John 8, Jesus sees a massive crowd looking to stone a woman for adultery and the crowd is essentially waiting for Jesus’s permission to begin stoning the woman, when instead, he says to the crowd who are ready with rocks in hand, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” The crowd dispersed and when only the woman and Jesus remained, He said to her, “Neither will I condemn you. Go and sin no more.”
The parallel is that it is so easy for strangers like you to anonymously respond and judge, without any clue as to how life could be living with any number of life-altering conditions like autism. Please consider that parenting is challenging enough on its own, so I can only imagine how even more challenging to add a disability to the equation and then also challenging are hecklers like you only screaming, “You’re doing it wrong!!,” instead of offering helpful guidance. Parenting is an ongoing learning process. Remember the saying, “You catch flies better with honey than vinegar.” Perhaps in the future, you should research, write a draft but don’t post it, read it a day or two later, take your own inventory and reflect on whether the immaturity, judgmental and hurtful rhetoric was necessary opposed to the help that you clearly failed to convey. I suspect, during that time of reflection, your eyes may be opened and that is where the Common Sense Filter kicks in and instead of posting another harshly inappropriate response, you hit delete.
I hope that you recognize your response to my friend was unquestionably out of line. That said, I’ve finally arrived at my point for this post about grace, which is to show mercy, favor. God shows us grace on a daily basis and because of that, I believe that you responded emotionally, instead of rationally. That is grace. You did nothing to offend me personally, but because I saw that there was that missing element of common sense for you, I hope you’ll apologize to my friend, although forgiveness actually requires no confession from you in order for her to forgive you. My prayer is that she will forgive and never give your actions another thought. Grace. The exercise of love, kindness, mercy or serve another.
I had an experience at a party. An individual asked me a question that ranked in tackiness up there with, “How much money do you make?” I was shocked that they obviously felt like the question was appropriate to ask a stranger, let alone okay to ask at all. There was zero hesitation or “filter” on their part. The next morning, as I considered the question, I was reminded of another experience while in our home-town, in a small group. I was a stranger in a group of believers. Being new, I shared my testimony. Testimonies are personal and are never debatable because they are so personal and involve personal experiences or events that ultimately lead individuals to make the choice to follow Christ.
One individual saw my testimony as opportunity to anoint themselves as my judge and jury. The individual was immature and even more immature in their faith. Not one person questioned them when sharing their own testimony that included failed marriage, but apparently like myself, there are many who value their Common Sense Filters that may prevent them from saying something inappropriate. I forgave the individual’s ignorance, but I’m ashamed to admit that nearly ten years later with the recent situation and being asked such a personal question, I felt on the defensive. I replied, “Enough.” That feeling was from the enemy because I had no reason to feel protective or defensive. However, the individual accepted the enemy’s temptation to be a nosy-Nellie and I gave them grace. The following morning, I told my husband what this person asked and my husband said, “That was very inappropriate, but that’s where we have to give them grace.” I am in no way patting myself on the back because I am also a work in progress on the road of following Christ. Instead of responding to them in an equally rude way, I gave the person grace in a brief response, but have also kept them consistently in prayer because the individual is immature, but more important, they are a newer believer and my actions may be influential. Grace.



