Football is not a mathematical equation
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Football, life, marriage on December 31, 2014
Since August and having had my very own fantasy football team this year, I’ve been committed to learning football (finally) for the 2014-2015 season, although I’m confident that it will take more than a single season to get me to where I’m not consistently interrupting a game to ask questions about why this or that is or is not a penalty. My husband will attest to the fact that for nearly two decades, I’ve been unimpressed by the sport and thought little of bothering to learn. I knew a few basics, but because of my left-brainness those basics never computed to my sense of logic, so understandably, I disregarded the whole idea of adding any football knowledge to the mix. For starters, in football, there is a quarterback, a halfback and a fullback. But there is no three-quarters back position. I would like to understand why there is this position deficit. Then, there is the tight end position. The logical counterpart position would suggest that there is also a player who is the loose end, but there is no such position. What I have learned for certain is that this learning process is irrelevant because the only thing that ultimately matters is whether a team wins. I must make sense of get-over the senseless mathematics of football positions.
As a Washingtonian, my logical allegiance is to support the Seattle Seahawks and this year from afar obviously, I have gotten to know Coach Pete Carroll and how the team conducts themselves. Russell Wilson is my favorite, but I’m also a big fan of other players like Marshawn Lynch Beast Mode and his 79 yard touchdown in the recent game against Arizona. Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas, Doug Baldwin, Kam Chancellor and Luke Willson are additional players with whom I’m becoming more knowledgeable. Win or loss, I will support them. I refuse to be one of those fans who doles-out support conditionally. The above is my first method of showing support for the Seattle Seahawks, with a rear-window decal on my rig. This is my rig and not my husband’s. Besides, he supports Oakland. Thank you, Sweetheart for patiently guiding me through my first NFL season. GO HAWKS!
~Jenn
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Sisters, Sisters, there were never such devoted sisters
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, family, growing-up, Jesus, life, lifestyle on December 30, 2014
Even with 5 years between us, my younger sister and I have a good relationship and I’ve missed her terribly for the past few years being 1000 miles away. Growing up we loved each other, although we fought as siblings do and made-up when my Mom always lectured, “She’s the only sister you’ll ever have.” When Jackie entered first grade many moons ago, at the same private school where I was, I didn’t hesitate to protect her from the line of boys pursuing her. Being older, I was my sister’s first line of defense against boys. She always remained picture-perfect in her dresses, unlike me. It took many years to finally see it, but when I did, I shook my head in disgust. Maybe at myself for obtaining less mud and grass stains on my clothes than the boys while we played red-rover-red-rover/softball/soccer-take your pick or perhaps it was with my Mom for having high expectations of me coming home spotless like Jackie. The most likely scenario for my Mom was recognizing that the countless hours she spent sewing together pieces of fabric to create beautiful dresses like the following were completely irrelevant to me.
As hard as I tried as a kid, this broad-shouldered girl was not demure and I found myself rather confused by all the pig-tailed girls like my sister who were. My goal at recess was to play and play hard, which included returning from recess with a sweaty red face, which equaled intense fun. If grass and mud-stains could be graded at a private school surrounded by acres of grass, I was the valedictorian. Grass stains on my dresses and holes in my tights were consistent. I remember my Mom being horrified when she discovered (after many months) that I came up with what I thought was a grand idea to wear shorts under my dresses and over my tights. For what? To prevent boys from seeing my Underoos when I flipped upside-down from or climbed on top of the Monkey Bars. While wearing a dress. Duh. Meanwhile, my sister likely spent recess with her friends picking dandelions and frolicking. Another pastime at recess was locating who was in trouble and was pounding the chalk out of the erasers at the end of the building because I discovered those little piles of chalk-dust were tasty, or maybe I thought that a saliva coated finger dipped in chalk dust tasted just like Fun Dip. Don’t judge. It’s no different than eating glue paste. I was a good kid and harmless, but I could find trouble or create it with some hair-brained ideas – like the self-made Fun (Chalk) Dip. While I was at school finding shenanigans, my sister was being her teacher’s pet and very helpful passing out things to her classmates or playing the ideal daughter at home as she played with her collection of Barbies.
Through it all, my sister and I survived. I mentioned Jackie’s survival also because I was almost five when Jackie was born and shortly after meeting my new sister, I attempted to help feed her a whole dinner-roll. My Mom caught me ‘helping’ my sister and found it in her heart to NOT cease my breathing-habit despite my misguided efforts to feed my baby-sister solids way too soon. I also ran over her on my bike – not to be mean, but she got in my way and I couldn’t stop quickly enough. Speaking of bikes, I think we were one of the last generations to ride bikes sans helmets. And lived to tell about it. I think we were also one of the last generations who got away with chewing ABC (Already Been Chewed) gum that we innocently discovered on the ground or found stuck to the underside of desks in school. Not to mention how many times lollipops were dropped on the ground, wiped-off and shoved back into our mouths. We survived. A little gravel in the diet was probably good for a colon-cleansing. I would insert an amusing Saturday Night Live parody commercial here for Quarry Breakfast Cereal, but it seems that all links are blocked for copyrighted material on YouTube. Even in the midst of our ignorance, I suspect our foolishness contributed to strengthening our immune systems and we didn’t even have antibacterial hand sanitizer. Yet, somehow we prevailed…
My sister and I could not be more different. I was athletic and therefore, a tom-boy She was and still remains a girly-girl, although with my precious niece and nephew in-tow, ruffles aren’t nearly as practical these days. I read her blog and I don’t want to say that I’m proud because I have no right to be, but I am impressed. She’s a busy stay-at-home-Mom with a six year-old and a two year-old in-tow, creating meal-plans, running a successful blog about life as a Wife and Mommy, that is filled with pictures of her family, creative projects, and dishes she’s made, which includes the recipes. Then there’s me who is not nearly as refined. Me caveman.
Dress-up!I have a great deal of wonderful memories that include Jackie – camping, putting-on shows for our parents with duds from our chest of props and accessories (wigs gowns, etc.), going to the theater to see The Lion King and being the Maid/Matron of Honor in each other’s weddings, scrap-booking… The list goes on and on, but obviously as much as we differ, we’re still bonded and have a great deal in common. I love my sister dearly and am grateful for our relationship.
Jenn
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All over the map
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, family, Inspiration, lifestyle, MS, prayer on December 27, 2014
Competitive swimming from grade school through part of college – think hundreds of laps daily and nearly Olympic trials level fast – not slowly floating across the pool on a noodle (that many sadly call ‘swimming,’) piano, flute, 4-H-sewing and cooking and finally Jazz dance, which would be close to the equivalent of today’s hip-hop genre, were my extra-curricular activities growing up. I had just turned 8 or 9 when I completed the Red Cross certified swimming courses and my stay-at-home Mom was desperate to enroll me in something that would keep me out of trouble busy so she spoke to my final instructor who was also a coach with the swim team newbies and suggested I try-out for the local club. I immediately took to competitive swimming, which required little time to learn backward and forward flip-turns so I could keep up with the circle of other swimmers at my level. My parent’s ongoing joke was that I was born with webbed feet. So seriously, Mom & Dad, with the umpteen number number of hours in the pool each week, was there even the slightest possibility that I wasn’t?
Swimming continues to be one of my favorite activities and ‘back-in-the-day’ I became somewhat of an aquatics guru within my family, who looked to me to life-guard cousin’s birthday related pool-parties and instruct the how-to’s of swimming and water-skiing to my little sister and younger cousins. In college I continued to swim with the early morning Masters team. Many years later when we moved to Nevada, we noticed many homes have pools and when we bought our home a few years ago, we were very excited to have our own. From mid-spring through late-summer, the outdoor temperatures maintain around 103 and as it’s too expensive to run air conditioning full-time. Therefore, the pool provides a perfect relief to cooling-down my core. MS has altered my body’s ability to self-regulate my core so when I become warm, I’m technically overheated, making our pool’s cool temperature a tremendous source of relief and blessing with those high outdoor temperatures for 6 months. Other than swimming during the hot temperatures, I’m embarrassed to admit I do very little any more.
Obviously, I had the ability to commit long-term to activities while growing-up, but because of MS and what it’s taken from me, my interests are really all over the map. I think my abilities prior to MS taking me backward have unfortunately dictated what I can or cannot do. I was never a quitter and I have my folks to thank for instilling in me a stick-to-it attitude, but there have been several activities that I began and quit because of MS ‘issues.’ For example, I discovered and indulged my love for stamping cards and book marks, but when the tremors ataxia started where my hands shook badly, it became impossible to accurately place rubber stamps. This caused what I had hoped to call ‘artistic creations’ to become somewhat of a mess, resembling over-priced pieces of abstract art, at which point, my neurologist gave me yet another MS related symptom-chasing drug to lessen the shaking, which helped, but at a sacrifice because of the cocktail of drugs. I was rarely coherent appearing somewhat of a zombie with my glazed-over eyes. And I quit stamping. However, I could make a mean martini – shaken, not stirred became my joke because “If I can’t laugh, I may cry,” and I really try to limit that tissue-requiring activity. I also tried my hand at becoming an independent beauty consultant for a big corporation (whose reps are rewarded with pink cars), but eye-make up was a joke to apply because of that whole fine-motor-skills lacking hand stability. Then, I became a cooking rep for a company that specialized in quick mixes to create tasty dishes. Although I had fun and was successful, that was also short-lived when I had to give-up driving. My attitude was that as much as I still wanted my ‘right’ to be independent to drive, other cars/pedestrians had the right to be safe when my increasing foot/leg ataxia became hazardous to controlling the correct pedals. And I quit driving.
2015 will mark 10 years ago that God provided healing and pulled me from my wheelchair, but I have nothing to show for it, except several activities in which I invested, only to quit. Beading was another post-wheelchair favorite, but short-lived activity as I attended bead-shows and then created beautiful bracelets and earrings. At the same time I came from the wheelchair, I quit the the numerous symptom-chasing prescription drugs because I was tired of feeling like the undead. Although I was lucid, my hand stability was only achieved after a couple of glasses of wine. That became somewhat of a big discovery. I could be a creative, but functioning drunk or a non-lucid undead human… That was an obvious choice. I have continually returned to writing and I made a goal 10 years ago to write my encouraging story, but I lost my inspiration. Writing has been a passion since grade-school, but in junior high there was an adult and best friend who ganged-up on me to tell me that I was wasting my time at which point , I guess I gave-up on it, although I would still scribble-out ideas and write creatively, from time to time. That was very much ‘my bad’ for giving into believing their discouragement and I’ve learned to ignore those voices or mentally give the middle finger salute to those inner voices who say I can’t or that I’m wasting my time.
I realize that I must continue to actively learn something – anything productive. I did online courses a couple of years ago in which I discovered I’m completely left-brained. Thank you, Dad, who is an engineer. It feels great to be learning and I’ve tossed around the idea of learning to use a knitting loom as it doesn’t require fine-motor-skills. I may also again attempt to bead or stamp as my ataxia seems to be becoming less of an issue… Praise God because martini-making provides a very limited skill-set. I’ll keep you posted on what activity has gained my attention…
Jenn
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‘Now’ is not the magic word
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, family, lifestyle, prayer on December 26, 2014
I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I can’t believe we’re a week away from a new year and for us that means we’ll be able to place our house on the market sooner than I originally believed. Our contract will be up with February’s payment and we will be able to move forward with selling when we make the final payment February 1st, which is essentially only a month away!
Since we’ve been in Nevada, we have gone through many income changes. My husband is THE bread-winner. He had obtained a position before he made the big move southwest. (I followed a few months after our house sold in Washington) and he was laid off just months later before 2011’s end. He obtained another position within a few months in the same industry, but was laid off again also before the following year’s end. He then found the graphic artist position a few months later, but was also shortly laid off again and with each new position, there was significant salary reduction, with no room to negotiate. That’s been the biggest challenge for my husband as he equates his self-worth with his income level. As the situation was what it was, we adjusted expenses. For example, we cancelled our gym memberships, pool maintenance and pest services, which we learned to do ourselves and we rarely go out to eat and I also learned to color my own hair. We really had to reassess needs versus wants. Thankfully, my rig was paid-off several years ago shortly after purchasing so there’s no vehicle payment coming out of our limited budget. However, our rig is a full-size SUV so when my husband obtained another job on the other side of town, the cost of fuel to commute was requiring almost as much in gas as his paychecks. But we survived and even saved a little.
A lot of discipline was required in order for us to save any money, but we did and a few months ago we paid cash for a second more fuel efficient vehicle. With each reduction in income, we were forced to recognize how carelessly frivolous we’d become in our spending habits. I’m embarrassed that we used credit so carelessly. It’s been a process, but I believe we’re still getting to where God wants us to be fully dependent on him. God could have opened the proper channels to allow my husband to get another job with the same level of income, but since that did not occur, it made us do what we never bothered to. Implement a reasonable budget. I’m sharing all of this to explain that we’ve become price conscious and do a lot of product research before buying anything expensive because any non-grocery item that costs more than $0.00 is expensive. So when a few weeks ago we received an unexpected Christmas gift of a Keurig from my folks, we were thankful, but surprised because that type of item is expensive to operate and it was not on any wish list for us to purchase any time soon. We made a decision to use the brewer only on the weekends because the K-cups are costly. Although the Keurig brews a fantastic cup of coffee, it failed to pump water from the full reservoir after only a week, which equated to only 8 uses. I went through the trouble shooting steps and nothing changed. Meanwhile, my husband did a ton of research on sites like Costco and Amazon and discovered the Keurig has issues with consistently low ratings, where customers and members share their experiences over and over with failed water pumps.
My Mom is the spearhead for practicality in buying appliances as gifts in past years and has blessed us with other devices and thankfully, there were never problems with these items. When the Keurig failed, I avoided saying anything because it wasn’t my Mom’s fault, but she tends to take things personally and I didn’t want to go through the explanation of the way we assess cost, dependability and value. My husband researched and we returned the Keurig to Costco and when the customer service agent saw the Keurig in the cart, he immediately said, “The pump must have failed.” I realize we could have exchanged it for a new Keurig, but considering the hundreds of negative product reviews during recent weeks, our practicality asked why exchange for a repeat of the same faulty product? So when we returned it, we’d already determined we’d find another K-cup brewer with higher ratings. We didn’t find another brand at the Costco warehouse or at Costco on-line, but found a high-rated brewer on Amazon that was surprisingly cheaper through a commercial restaurant supplier. When I spoke with my parents Christmas Eve, they asked how we liked our Keurig, although I had hoped and prayed it wouldn’t be a topic of conversation, so I smiled and mentioned it made a fantastic cup of coffee. Don’t judge. That wasn’t a lie. I swear, my Mom plays Jedi mind-tricks and in only a few minutes of our weekly Skype call, I somehow spilled how it failed.
All this is to provide an example and explanation of how and why we became so price and budget conscious. We were forced to change spending habits and the biggest realization for both of us now is that even if we had that same level of income that we had in years past or won a substantial amount of money, we would maintain our current positive saving and spending habits. We have never had a “keeping up with the Jones” problem because we have never cared or compared ourselves to what our peers have, but what we did have was a if we wanted something problem, instead of saving, we had to have it now problem. Patience really is a virtue, my friends.
Jenn
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I Believe
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Uncategorized on December 25, 2014
I don’t give myself permission to listen to Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving and I also don’t wear any pair of festive Christmas socks or fun Christmas earrings until the day after Thanksgiving. Those are the rules. I also had a rule that if my attitude was not where it needed to be as far as being cheerful and uplifting, I had no business wearing those items as it would be a conflict of interest, so my rules motivated me to ensure that my mind and heart were in the right place. I also have an extensive collection of fun socks with cats, dogs, polka dots, stripes, etc. for year- around wear, but the same rules apply. I don’t have the right to be around people or wear any fun thing that contradicts my attitude, so, imagine how quickly that forced me to reassess why my attitude was where it was and pray for help to recognize what I need to in order to get over myself.
This was and generally still is a practice I’d gotten into the habit of doing, but at some point during the past several months, I haven’t been nearly as cheerful as I normally am and when the day after Thanksgiving arrived, I thought as I grabbed a pair of fantastically festive reindeer socks. “Oh no! Am I truly ready?” I remembered my rules and determined I wasn’t ready to wear them and immediately started listening to my collection of Christmas tunes as I should have done sooner than November. I’m confident you recall Buddy’s rule from the film Elf, “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” My thoughts transferred to listening to Christmas music and singing along would assist me in changing my attitude. And it did.
When I anxiously started packing the house for moving several months ago, I did not believe we would still be in Nevada to miss another holiday with either of our families. But, here we are, still in Nevada in 2014, with no Christmas tree and only one of those beautiful wreaths from Costco, hung over the door, as that was the only decorative Christmas item still easily accessed. Thankfully,the sock moratorium did not last, but a couple days. I may still have a few minutes of a bad attitude, but I try to keep it brief because getting caught-up in myself and my thoughts for too long is not healthy. I’ve determined being a few states away from our families for another Thanksgiving / Christmas season is the issue, but I have to keep reminding myself we’re only a few months away from returning home.
As I was writing the other day, Christmas music was playing and I always stop whatever I’m doing to reflect on the impacting lyrics of Natalie Grant’s song “I Believe” and I’ve included a link for you copy into your browser so you can watch and listen:
Value time with loved ones and have a very Merry Christmas.
~Jenn
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We are not homeless
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith on December 23, 2014
As I reread my posts, I realized the last one over six months ago, I left hanging and failed to update some things like, did we move? And did we still have a home? The thing is, we were hanging by a thread with no clear path. And then, my husband managed to obtain a position. That was so God. That we had no answers and miracle upon miracles, I mentioned before that God is never late and He’s always, always on time. And God provided just when my husband’s unemployment ran out. The position was not what I would call ideal because of the graveyard hours and the part of town where one of the work-sites was located, but it was legal, paid the bills and ensured we could remain in our home.
And then another answer to prayer… Earlier in the year, my husband applied for a sales position, but never heard from the company again after they initially called. Then, months later in late October, he finally heard from them again. He interviewed, was offered a job and started the second week of November. The timing of that additional answer to prayer was incredible. The graveyard position he worked ensured a crappy sleep schedule in addition to requiring that he remain on his feet the entire shift. My husband had injured his knee playing soccer a couple of years ago and even after surgery, his mobility never returned to what it once was, so being on his feet nonstop, even with decent shoes, was taking it’s tole. His increasing knee pain and lack of sleep were making him weary and he mentioned filing for disability. And right after that, he got the call to interview with the company where he works currently. God’s timing is perfect. And because it is not a regionally based sales position, he should be able to take the job with him when we’re hoping to move north next spring. Yay!
With each challenge, God has provided, but I like to have my plans and to-do lists mapped-out ahead of time and with great specificity, so this waiting for answers process has been brutal on my psyche because of that whole inner-control-freak issue that I battle with for dominance consistently. More than anything through this process of waiting to plan, God keeps telling me, “Not now, Jenn.” And yet, here I am continuing to attempt to control things. I have this perception that God must shake his head as he looks at me, “There Jenn goes again and why doesn’t she just rest in My peace? She’d be a lot more comfortable. That girl is a walking panic-attack.” As hard as I try to just let God be God, I feel I must prepare and think ahead. And what that says is that I don’t trust God to take care of things so I’m going to take care of it myself.
I get it. I really do and this year has been such a massive challenge for my faith. I had written about my experience years ago as I prayed for, hoped and waited for healing and my current set of circumstances is similar in that I MUST WAIT. In my head, I keep hearing the childhood song, “He’s got the whole world in his hands, he’s got the whole world in his hands…” and I’ve gained some much-needed comfort from reciting those words as I’ve found myself doubting if God can handle this. Shame on me for even questioning him because I’ve seen and experienced the blessing of God’s healing power, his healing in my marriage, his ongoing provision for family and friends and yet I still have the audacity to question him. Really, Lord? Can you handle getting us back to Washington? And as I replay those song lyrics in my head, I get a resounding, “Yes. Now be still!” I am an ongoing work in progress and I’m prayerful that one of these days soon, the relationship I once had with my Creator will get back to where it was. Back then, I was consistently at peace with everything instead of allowing the inconsequential crap of life to provide interference…
Joseph and Mary had less than ideal surroundings as they journeyed to Bethlehem on a donkey while she was pregnant only to give birth in a stable, but it was fine, as the Lord provided what they needed and as He kept them safe and protected. Neither of them obtained a memo about Gods’s plan and the simplicity of God bringing the savior of the world to a manger causes me shame and I’m embarrassed of my lofty expectations. Who am I? Thank you, Lord for the gift of your Son and for keeping things in perspective.
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Totally unrelated, but I have a question…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Uncategorized on December 23, 2014
I do not understand why people name their child a name only to call them a nickname. I am Jennifer. I’ve never gone by Jenny, but people insist on calling me a name I don’t use and never gave them permission to use. I think for my little sister’s sake when we were kids, my folk’s called me Jeni because it was shorter and how easy is it for a little one to say Jennifer? Once I was allowed to have my own opinion and when I obtained my first job as a lifeguard and swimming instructor, I was Jennifer. In high school I also went by Jennifer, but friends still call me Jenn. Jenn is absolutely fine and just leave it at that. Don’t add the extra vowel variation. When I joined the professional workforce, using my full name was never a problem and no one requested to call me Jenny.
When I met my husband, I asked him to call me Jenn. It’s more personal sounding whereas, Jenny can be found in the backwoods with a full size rebel flag pole bolted upright in the middle of a jacked-up pick-up bed accessorized with a gun-rack. The jacked-up pickup is so not my style. Seriously, that is my perception. Jenn is not hill-billyish – it’s casual and personal. Jenn was never an issue either and I like hearing Jenn (written it must be with two n’s), but there’s just something about hearing a fully speech-developed adult calling me Jenny that makes my ears go numb. From little ones like my niece and nephew, hearing Auntie Jeni is precious, special and too fantastically cute. Generally speaking, there are no adults other than my sister and brother-in-law who call me Jeni – and that’s for my niece’s and nephew’s sake. Even my parents made a concentrated effort to be conscious of it.
My maternal side blood-relatives had already long ago started calling me Jenn, but for whatever reason, a few one individual will not honor following their lead and call me Jenn. I’m sitting here at my desk staring at a Christmas card envelope addressed to Jenny and my husband’s name. Cute card, but that name is honestly like nails on a chalkboard. I have never presumed to call someone a name they didn’t give me upon meeting them, so is it too much to reciprocate that? I’m Jennifer or Jenn, but not Jenny/Jeni unless you’re a niece or nephew.
I see this a lot. Michael is a perfectly excellent name, but it often becomes Mike or worse yet, Mikey, Richard becomes Dick and Margaret becomes Peggy. Whaaaat? So, back to my original question – why do parents name a child one thing, only to promptly call them something else?
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A Test of Faith
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Bible, Faith, Grace, Inspiration, Jesus, Multiple Sclerosis, Stress and MS on April 16, 2014
I’ve mentioned that I have MS, but be confident that I only mention the relevance again because I realized as I’ve blogged, I’ve failed to explain not only why I believe in God and have a relationship with him, but also why I continue to believe. God has stretched my faith over the years, but most noticeably during the last two. The first time was over a decade ago when MS side-lined me by placing me in a wheelchair. Back then, If I wanted to remain an active part of society, a wheelchair was mandatory for outings like a trip to the mall or for supporting all my family and friends who obtained donations for and walked with supporters of the annual MS Walk. Being forced into an uncomfortable position was humbling. I hated asking for help, but my circumstances muscled me out of my comfort-zone and created a much-needed level of humility.
I was in a wheelchair for a few years learning to give-up everything to God when I stumbled upon information that God allowed to be used to improve my health and essentially over time placed my MS in ‘remission,’ which was faith test number one. I was grateful that God allowed me to find the information, but it didn’t take me long to start taking everything for granted, like the awesome miraculous healing that I received, like the ongoing physical help I received from family and friends when they pushed my wheelchair, like the encouragement God provided when I was in my pit of despair. Within a year of God healing me, I failed to make my personal devotions and prayer time a priority and elevated myself to being too busy to make time for God. I became both arrogant and ignorant for esteeming myself so highly and thinking that if I hadn’t located the healing information, MS still would have gotten better because I’m Jenn and I’m…awesome. Shame on me for over-esteeming myself when I should have praised God for a priceless blessing!
Fast forward several years to 2012 when we were in the process of buying a home in Nevada and it was shortly thereafter, that my husband and I began having marital issues. All of this background is necessary to explain that God was again humbling me and drawing me back to him because I had placed God ‘on-hold,’ but was beginning to recognize that by not allowing him to guide me daily, I made unwise decisions. Also by not allowing God to provide my path, I became as much part of the ‘problem’ as I had determined my husband was. Could I get another shame on me?! It was plainly obvious my husband was making bad decisions, but I could have just placed my faith in God, that the Holy Spirit would convict my husband instead of Divinely anointing myself to be God’s chosen messenger to convict my husband. I should have asked God to guide me in the situation because although I was late getting on board with GOD‘s plan, He worked through both of us and is continuing to work in us. And praise God because it was only because of his Divine intervention, obviously minus my misguided help, that we are still married and committed to remain that way and work through issues instead of giving up and becoming another statistic, which was faith test number two.
I’ll fast forward again to when my husband’s favorite job-to-date was eliminated as the organization could no longer afford to employ a graphic designer. It was almost immediate after losing that position that he felt God telling him that we should return to Washington. My husband sharing that piece of news was the best thing I’d heard since we moved to Nevada because it was an answer to prayer. I’ve never felt settled in NV and with each challenge presented, I felt it was ‘just another’ consequence of not seeking God prior to moving a few years ago. If we had waited for God’s leading, we likely would not have moved instead of being lead by our own selfish desires to get away from the surplus of Pacific Northwest rain. So, since last October, moving and my husband locating work has been in our daily prayer. He’s applied for many positions between where we live in NV and where we want to return in Washington and there’s been little response. My husband has built a very strong resume, but God hasn’t opened any likely doors that would accommodate his background or even any unlikely doors for positions he could perform with little or no training. The last six months have created a stronger faith in God for both of us because when his unemployment benefits run out, that’s it. As in the income is final, at which point we’ll be dependent on my small disability income. As this is a tad scary, our current set of circumstances has enveloped us in faith test number three.
One may wonder why I don’t work. My skill-set within the financial industry became null and void when those attention-to-detail related skills were what ultimately required me to take a short-term leave-of-absence only to cause permanent disability. My husband is the bread-winner and actively pursuing employment every day. During the last six months, while he’s been applying for employment, I’ve been packing the house. I’ve been boxing-up our belongings because the fact is that in April, our income is final with a limited number of days before we’ll have to be out of our home. Have I mentioned this is a tad scary to be packed-up with nowhere to go? Our home now is bare-bones with only the empty larger pieces of furniture remaining in the house as they’re too heavy for us to move to the garage. Shelves, drawers and nearly all cupboards are packed with only the essentials available, which means that at any point, we’re probably close to 98.5% ready to load a moving-truck and start the caravan north. My husband’s final unemployment benefits arrive next week and our six-month safety-net will also be dried-up, which also will nearly empty our savings. And there is nothing indicative that allows us to start creating an action-plan. I think a typical person would be in the midst of a severe panic-attack and scared-to-death of our situation, but as the drop-date has hovered closer and even closer, God has given both of us a tremendous sense of peace. The adage that ‘God meets you where you are’ has been confirmed over and over through this and more recently, even more consistently. Yes, we’re clear that people think we’re ignorant and foolish for believing in an unseen God. However, understand that because God has already proven his faithfulness in healing my MS, in healing our marriage and providing an abundance of answers to prayer for family, not to mention providing significant guidance throughout the Bible(not that He needed to), combined with the fact that we are doing what we’re supposed to in seeking him and praying for answers, that we have no reason to doubt God’s promise to provide a break-through. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
We also believe that God has allowed my husband to remain unemployed so that we would have the time to get into more positive habits of daily devotions and prayer time together, of which we’ve taken full-advantage. Our daily devotions and prayer time has further solidified our spiritual walks. Now, if my husband played video games and did nothing of value each day, then there would be a problem having faith while doing nothing that promoted faith, but as that is not the case, we remain faithful in believing that God will soon provide the financial means to get us back to Washington, since it’s clear that’s where He’s guiding us since He has not opened a door to work in Nevada. Each day we see daily email scripture subscriptions and at church every week, we hear a much-needed message that relates to waning faith, which is ultimately enough to help us stay the course and energize us to ‘keep the faith’ another day as we continue to trust in God. Back when I was learning to trust in God, the following became my ‘go-to’ source of encouragement and still remains, Isaiah 40:31, “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Trusting in God also means trusting in his timing. God is never late and He is always, always on-time. We have placed our trust in God about this entire situation and look forward to and are praying that God would be preparing us for whatever blessing is on the horizon.
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I was preparing for divorce
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Healing Broken Marriage, Marriage Encouragement on January 29, 2014
The following is a very personal element of my life. I’m not sharing because I think we deserve “kudos” or have earned a place on any kind of pedestal, but because eighteen months ago, I was confident that by 2014, I would have a new marital status. There was a disturbing trend and through reading the increase of a few social media statuses, I anticipated my marriage was on the fast-track to becoming another statistic. Even prior to my own marriage having problems, I was discouraged. I watched several Christian friends’ marriages failing and the alarming nature was that those numbers were higher than non-Christian friends’ divorces. I watched several couples, whom I had somehow elevated to be the example to strive toward for my own marriage, fail. Divorce is failure because when God brings two together, they become one flesh. God is our Creator and God created marriage, therefore, God desires every marriage to be successfully Christ-centered.
My assessment is not the end all be all, but the level of selfishness that I saw in my own marriage as well as witness in some friend’s marriages was off-the-charts. It’s no wonder Christian marriages are just as high in divorce as those marriages that are not faith-based. It is offensive to hear married people claim, “But I met my soul-mate,” when they are already married. Wrong! When a couple marries, THEY are soul-mates and “discovering” a different soul-mate when one is already married is not from God. People tread dangerous waters when they believe that kind of message because only Satan tells people what they want to hear that will enable them to justify their sin. God does not bring two people together only to set them up for failure and God also does not bring already married people together. It gets tiresome to hear people claim they can’t help with whom they fall in love. Yes. Actually they can. Begin a relationship based on lies and it’s accurate that it will likely end in the same way.
The latter half of 2012 and most of 2013 marked the most difficult time of my marriage, that according to “experts,” would end with divorce. Consistent arguing, name-calling, condescension were a few of our chosen tactics. There had been so much hurt dealt from both of us that I could not see how our situation would change. I said and did terribly hurtful things toward my husband. He said and did terribly hurtful things toward me. Suffice it to say that what was said and done on both sides was inexcusably devastating, however, the smaller details of the infractions are irrelevant at this point.
I want to caution people to consider their use of social media. It’s innocent enough, but start adding old flames to your “friends” list and sometimes a door is inadvertently left open. I believed I was progressive toward the idea of being friends with a couple of previous boyfriends, but that attitude was so very misguided, when one attempted to rekindle what was 20 years ago. There’s a reason why when we “move forward,” the trick is to not look back at what was or may have been because we cannot move straight forward when craning our necks to look backward at the past. In Genesis 19 NIV, angels guided Abraham’s nephew Lot and his family toward safety with the simplest instructions. In verse 17, “Flee for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you’ll be swept away!” But we also read in verse 26 that Lot’s wife disregarded the angel’s instructions by taking a final look at what remained of their home and she became a pillar of salt. The consequences for ignoring God’s instruction to not look back were obviously permanent for Lot’s wife, but for the rest of us, there are no negative consequences when we do what we should to begin with.
A scripture that I often hear both Christians and non-Christians take out of context is, “…God will never give me more than I can handle…”. For example, many reference that scripture when trying to encourage friends who are battling an illness. The scripture they’re referring to I Corinthians 10:13. The scripture has everything to do with resisting temptation and nothing to do with battling an illness. In order to understand any scripture, we must also read the verses before and after. Beginning with verse 12 NIV, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
Being tempted by people or events from the past is dangerous. I failed to see that the contact with an old flame was a risky temptation. Fast forward a few years to what happened when my husband also dealt with temptation at work. His coworker was blatantly pursuing him, but he didn’t see that possibility because, “She knows I’m married.” When the fog cleared, my husband cut off contact with the individual. It was another tempting situation that could have turned out worse than it did. Fact: Temptation happens to everyone, whether it’s minute to minute, or daily. Because of this, I want to encourage wives and husbands to be open-books. Don’t take each other or accountability for granted. Make your emails, texts and phone usage statements available for each other to view. Being an open book is mandatory for building trust. This was an issue in our marriage because my radar went up to hyper alert when I saw flirty texts to my husband and when I verbalized the observation, he was no longer an open book.
Upon my discovery, I should have immediately prayed for guidance, but the inner voice said call her, smile during the call, be assertive, but professional and nice so she can’t complain. She still lied about the call when she tattled to my husband that, “Your wife called me!” I walked away feeling satisfied that I’d planted seeds that I was not about to give up on my marriage because of her. I still must laugh about the fact that she thought she would sell her sense of being a victim to the organization’s HR department. She failed to explain to HR that she was “harassed.” Wives be aware that harassment is apparently defined by a 2.5 minute friendly phone call. The coworker got into a snit after our chat, but HR left me alone after I “cleared things up” by explaining that she was relentlessly pursuing MY husband. Yes, the part of placing boundaries was my husband’s responsibility, but remember he failed to recognize that she was a problem. Again, I should have left that to God, but I’m still a work-in-progress and learning to exercise management of my inner-control-freak. Fast forward through several weeks and months of turmoil within our marriage. Again, I failed to immediately give the entire situation to God and my husband was not actively following the Lord. This was the way in which my husband explained his attitude to our small Bible study group, “I put God on the bench because I told him, I got this, Lord.” I can laugh about that now and I hate to admit this, but there was one positive that came out of the co-worker situation, which is that our marriage is stronger than ever in accountability, which equates to mutual respect, which also ensures that we do not allow our relationship to become stagnant.
Only by God’s grace am I able to say that, we successfully “made it to the other side” of the hurt It’s been work. A lot of work. And an ongoing mindset to remain committed to the marriage healing process. Monthly, weekly, daily, hourly, etc. You get the point. When we married 17 years ago, we promised to never utter the word divorce, but with everything that transpired, divorce seemed a reasonable option. I went through a lot grief, hatred for my husband’s choices and anger toward God for allowing things to occur.
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Merry Christmas!
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, Grace, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, MS, MS Fight Club, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, Stress and MS, Women with MS on December 25, 2013
Yesterday, we made plans to visit Las Vegas’s hotels that display extravagant and beautiful Christmas decor. We set a time to get-together with another couple (my husband’s pseudo-family), but we got distracted and failed to call the other couple in a timely fashion to let them know we were running late. My husband asked me to call and warned that there’d be “drama.” I called and apologized and laughed explaining that we didn’t realize it was so late, but before I could even finish an apology, the wife interrupted by unleashing a tirade about ruining their day, ruining their plans, etc., then hung up on me. Wow! Silly me, because I thought the practice of hanging up on someone, was, “So junior high!” but this retired woman is nearly a half of a century late for bringing-back the immature behavior.
But……. that wasn’t the first time. About eighteen months ago, the wife (very much a stranger at the time) pulled the same stunt, yelling at me, unleashing her verbal venom that began when I returned her call. Her prior message neither indicated it was urgent or life-threatening, so when I did call her back within a couple of days, she began her tirade with, “You’re so selfish, Jennifer for not calling sooner, you’ve always been selfish and it’s no wonder why people think you’re selfish.” Clearly, she has control issues in that she does not maintain any effective filters or maintain self-control or consideration for the damage she causes during her rantings. Bless her daughter-in-law who explained that they take the high-road because it costs to much to be involved when the wife is mid-metamorphosis into Wifezilla. No wonder they limit their contact! We’re not even actual family, so my guess is that everyone gets their “fair-share” of the woe-man’s mean-streak.
Return to present when my husband heard yesterday’s call because it was on speaker. He got an angry message from the husband shortly after Wifezilla ranted at me and said he’d wait a day to call. The whole thing should not have been a “thing,” but the way she yelled and spewed, one might think that the world ended. Good grief – it was a plan to see some Christmas lights! I received a call this morning from the husband, saw who on caller ID, but before I answered, I prayed and asked God over and over to allow cooler heads to prevail. I was never angry, just a little irritated that this was even an issue in the first place. Our call was friendly and he said they’d cooled off (thank you, Lord) and when he paused, I took the opportunity to express that our intent was never to “ruin everyone’s day,” we were distracted, I was sorry for not calling sooner and that I hoped we can all get past this. I am thankful that the husband called and used clear thinking in this situation because Wife’s habit of dramatic histrionics is over-the-top and unnecessary.
I place emphasis on the point to avoid getting caught up in irrelevant, nonsensical situations like this. I learned from various experience in the past, that stress is very much a catapult to an MS retrogression. Once I learned to not allow various stress triggers into my thought-patterns and over-all-life, my health improved. It became simple to “not play a culprit’s game.” Yesterday, when I didn’t react to the woe-man’s theatrics, I did myself a favor and at the same time, I did not give in to the not-so-enticing temptation that Satan dangled before me, and therefore honored God. I did take the high road and that isn’t to praise my own self-control, but to convey the necessity of recognizing one’s stress-triggers. Learning to recognize and control these triggers by walking away from them or choosing to NOT engage in them, is essential especially for family / friend gatherings. Remember gatherings are supposed to be celebratory and by giving in to engaging in nonsense, we take attention away from the focal point.
Because I am away from my family in Washington through 2013’s holidays, I am so grateful for the years and years of family birthdays, Thanksgivings and Christmases. I miss my family terribly and I think because of this silly situation, I am even more sensitive to NOT allowing irrelevant crap take the spotlight from the reason for the season. A few days ago, I wrote the entry “Filterless.” Today’s entry piggy-backed on “Filterless.” Appreciate and love your families to the fullest. Don’t miss an occasion to share that you love your families and friends and don’t waste the opportunity to apologize if needed as there may not be another opportunity to do so. Thank you for reading. Have a very Merry Christmas!
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