Posts Tagged blogger
10 days and counting…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, health, life, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Maintaining Faith, prayer, Relapsing Remitting MS, Uncategorized on December 5, 2021
Which means a week from Wednesday, my ENT is surgically removing the misbehaving glands of my parathyroid, or at least removing that portion of it. Which he’s been doing for other patients. For 30 years. For patients who share a similar list of symptoms. I’m anxious to be rid of the nasty culprit. That has flipped my life in topsy turvy fashion, only to hide itself from being a team player and resist showing its entire self in medical photos. Even the best radiology center could not obtain pictures that revealed, nor was their biopsy conclusive of what was going on. However, the ENT continued to view and review a few particular images of the one gland he could see out of 4 parathyroid glands, which told him to do nuclear testing which made my parathyroid light up. No, I was not lit up like a Christmas tree. But, what my ENT saw as it was plainly bright, was enough to order several more tests to confirm his suspicions and order surgery following obtaining those additional tests to be completed as soon as possible.
The right parathyroid gland had a sizable dark spot that proved to be an adenoma. Although benign, my ENT said tumors still cause disruptions in patient’s lives because where there is 1 adenoma, there are often 2 so doctors check for another in all the glands when they do surgery. Disruptions like a patient’s gate change and hobbling around instead of walking normally, like testing positive for osteoporosis at a younger than typical age for diagnosis because her body decided to leak calcium, like the bone density scan additionally proved that because of the calcium loss, that my bones are losing density and could potentially become so brittle that tripping once more on the stairs could cause a broken bone or a few plus another few fractures.
My Endocrinologist understandably prescribed a calcium replacement drug that I started taking in June, but my ENT, whom I initially saw in early October, because of adverse side effects, wants me to stop taking the drug asap. When I was given the prescription, I did research and despite the risk to lose teeth and calcium, while also gaining calcium and bone density, I filled the prescription because there are other drugs out there that offer positive effects, but they also yield comparable negative effects. Six to one, half dozen the other…
That said, I am keeping December’s appointment to remove some of, if not all the parathyroid.
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One year ago…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Football, fun, Grace, health, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, news, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, toddlers, trends to consider, Uncategorized, Women with MS on November 7, 2021
My PCP diagnosed me with anemia. A few months later, I received the hypercalcaemia diagnosis from my endocrinologist, quickly followed by an Osteoporosis diagnosis and put on a drug that might cause me to lose a tooth or two. I want to be off that drug ASAP. Despite all the cumulative crap I’ve been dealing with since ‘17, I finally have a sliver of good news to share.
My endocrinologist at my July appointment basically threw-up his hands and said he’s sending me to an ENT because my symptoms don’t match my numbers, but he believes there’s something indicitive of a tumor, although the thyroid and parathyroid ultrasounds and nuclear medicine tests revealed nothing. My downward spiral of symptoms going from a pretty healthy patient (minus the MS) to going straight down a toilet as my gait in just a few months became that of a 90-year-old trying to be purposeful with each labored step.
Last weekend at church, as I walked to my vehicle and I heard someone behind me and glanced back to see who it was. The older gentleman has always reminded me of my late grandfather and I stopped so he could catch-up to me. He said he had never seen me walk so slow. I laughed and asked if it was really that noticable. Then he went on to explain how he’d always seen me actively chasing the little ones all over and then said he was keeping me in prayer. I tend to be guarded about sharing anything specific, but last Sunday morning, I was confident that the Holy Spirit put it on my heart to share with a few people at church that I was scheduled for surgery December 15 for a pararthyroidectomy.
My endocrinologist did send me to an ENT, who after viewing all the pictures, labs and radiology reports, sent me to another ENT. Well that ENT sent me to his ENT, who is head of the ENT department at the university in town and his MA was able to schedule me for an appointment to see him a week later. I told B I was tempted to cancel the appointment because I was tired of wasting my time and being referred and referred to another doctor, and another doctor, etc. B asked me to keep the appointment and if I still walked away after the appointment feeling dislcouraged and like I wasted my time, then we would seek other treatment. Funny how I get so frustrated that I might have some extreme tendencies to for example, jump off cliffs because it just makes more sense to me to do something drastic , ya know) and then B has this level of discernment that can reel me in and produce peace with a few words.
Well that ENT, about 60 seconds into the appointment, said he had viewed and studied the pictures of my parathyroid and explained he believed at least one part, potentially two of the four-part parathyroid had tumors. I asked him how long he had specialized in ENT studies. 30 years. Only 30 years!! Then he said, “ I’ve seen this before, these symptoms and pictures . I’m confident if we do the 15 minute surgery to take out the parathyroid, that you should start feeling better almost immediately in the recovery room.” And with those few words, those tear ducts started filling up. You might remember that this girl does not cry…. her eyes sweat.
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The end of the tunnel just became brighter…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, Faith, family, health, Inspiration, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, toddlers, Uncategorized, Women with MS on November 5, 2021
When MS became more than MS with the unforseen truckload of additional health issues caused by the drug Lemtrada, I really questioned God and his faithfulness. I’m very aware there was never a guarantee that my life would be obstacle free. In fact as a Christian, it is a sure thing that God will allow trials for my own growth.
Having problems pushed me to know him better or have I reacted by becoming closed-up or anti-social?
As problems manifest, I have been prone to isolation. It’s way more comfortable than sharing anything for which folks will likely shun me anyway. So, in a sense I’m doing my future self a favor. Right? Totally. Except. God didn’t create any person to survive alone, but thrive with others to support, encourage, lift-up during times such as these. And there I was isolating myself at home, doing distance church from my iPad at home to avoid being a burden or a slow-poke with my cane or avoid questions like , “what happened?” from nosy-nellies posing as concerned people who care.
Ouch. Thank you, Lord for convicting me of being narcissistic and shame on me for doubting anyone’s intentions. That’s my normal reaction, but it dawned on me, (again thank you, Lord) last week watching church, that with all this crap going on with my health, that I have a fantastic testimony opportunity. And so after many weeks at home during church, but watching from a distance, I put on my big-girl pants and went back to church.
For an incredible reason. For B and I to have our two-year-old daughter dedicated at church. Didn’t I mention we had a foster child in our home? That we officially adopted at the beginning of August?
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Ongoing Variables
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Bible, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Grace, health, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS, MS Fight Club, Multiple Sclerosis, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, Uncategorized, Women with MS on April 6, 2021
Prior to the five day Lemtrada treatment in ’16, a team of lab consultants and vampires phlebotemists took eight vials of blood along with the contents of my bladder to establish my base-lines for what my normal numbers were. My thyroid, and red and white blood cells were all completely within a normal range in that analysis two weeks prior to the Lemtrada commencement. Even with Multiple Sclerosis, all these were very much within the range labeled “normal.” I’m explaining this because the following will be somewhat of a brief meaning of the physiological changes that occurred following treatment. We knew of the potential side effects that could happen and from reading the disclosures, there were definitely adverse side effect occurances. With the information that MS could be eliminated through the treatment, I saw the treatment as a calculated risk.
Well, I became the Lemtrada anomaly. My neurologist received reports following those monthly labs to show how my body continued to respond to the treatment. About five months post Lemtrada my thyroid started showing things were changing so off I went to an endocrinologist who put me on medication to control the overcompensating hyperthyroid and a few months later, it became hypothyroidism for my underactive thryoid. Apparently my thyroid couldn’t make up its mind.
In the middle of all this the endocrin diagnosed me with Hashimotos, with vague instructions to stay away from gluten. I thought for a second that that was going to be easy to stay away! How silly was I? Once I researched gluten and found that it was in bread – I love baking bread – and that gluten is in so many of my favorite things {read as nearly everything} many candies I enjoy that include red licorice. But then once I became intentional to stay away from gluten for a month, which began in February 2019, things changed. Those chronic gut aches finally ceased. Over time, gluten-free has become more of a staple in grocery stores as gluten-free snack options are more available. While all these changes started in me and I needed to create my new normal , I was delighted to discover gluten-free snacks in stock with Amazon Prime. Did I mention Gluten-free chocolate covered pretzels?!?! Yum! Simply delightful.
Then a couple months later, the medication changed back to control my hyperthyroid’s overactive antics, but that didn’t go well but after all the nonsense, my numbers finally leveled-off. Then, of all the obscure causes why I didn’t respond well to the prescription, my endocrin said I was allergic to the dye in the prescription pills, so she wrote the Rx in such a way so my pharmacy filled the Rx with non-dyed pills. But then my encodcrinologist moved to Sweden and I was not responding well to the medication anyway so I opted to elimininate the idea of finding another endocrinologist. I didn’t really like her. My first appointment with her was weird. She asked many questions about when and how the MS was diagnosed and in that I explained that auto-immune was in my genes so it was definitely in my genetic make up to rear it’s ugly head. The doc’s take-away was telling me that I missed my calling to go to medical school and figure out why my MS was affecting me and why auto-immune put a target on my family or why Lemtrada screwed up my physiology. Apparently her playbook for me was to discover why I should’ve become a world-reknowned doctor who discovered a cure for MS. I’m not kidding or exagerating about one iota of this.
I would love to say I fired that doc, but timing was such that when I decided to not see this endocrin any longer, she went MIA over-seas. I took the opportunity to be in control, which I should’ve done at the beginning of all this nonsense and researched thyroid supplements and those most highly rated on Amazon. I read many reviews and ordered one supplement. I took for a couple months, but then after I decided that chronic diarhea, even as a temporary side-effect really sucked, I ordered a different highly rated supplement. And “Behold! No chronic diarhea? We had a winner!” Said Jenn after taking it for a month with no unwelcome side-effects. So with the supplement, I felt decent and have continued taking it for a few years now.
Then last September, my (now remember I had to agree to monthly labs for five years following Lemtrada.). Things started changing again with my physiology and my neurologist called and asked me to take a copy of my labs with me to see my PCP. What’s changed this time? I started feeling sick in mid-September ’20. Those labs said I was anemic. Apparently, as of February I’m no longer anemic, but if that’s true why am I still experiencing heart palpitations? Coincidentally, I just felt lousy. This coming December, it will have been five years since Lemtrada ended, but changes were still happening. My internal system has allegedly flushed the toxic chemical cocktail from my body, but things are going awry. For a couple years I put reading my Bible on hold while I was working through my anger at God for allowing our first foster placement after two years with us from birth, be sent to an unknown distant family member in St. Louis.
Perhaps the stress from that situation was another culprit for making my health go sideways. Whatever is going on, I feel like I’m in a fight for my life right now. My new Endocrin tested me for a list of about 25 things in December. A few of those things included conditions related to osteoporosis because with my initial intake appointment with him, he looked at my prior bloodwork and saw that in my urine, there is a high level of calcium, which isn’t normal. My body is leaking calcium. I’m too young to have osteoporosis. Which means I will need surgery to put a stop to this and have my parathyroid removed. I sought a second opinion and that doctor was in agreement that the parathyroid is indeed the problem child. I have an appointment for a bone density scan which should confirm the need for surgery and with the parathyroid removed, it should put a stop to the “calcium leak.”
https://youtube.com/watch?v=X1eMZWiOJ0a0&feature=share
Last June I began reading my Bible again and it’s timely that I am reading Job in the middle of my own health nightmare. God is faithful. I’ve seen and experienced healing in myself and others in years passed. But I’ve doubted him so much and prayed for my own end in order to to be rid of what I know will likely be temporary pain and discomfort. The pain and chronic discomfort that I’ve felt in the last six months is like nothing I’ve experienced before. God healed my MS in 2005. He healed my Dad’s cancer and continues to keep it away. So how dare I doubt his goodness?!?! One of B’s clients has a mom who is also a believer and she told my husband she had a dream about me and that she received a word that I would be healed. But like the Isrealites and their chronic complaining through the desert for 40 years for an 11 day journey, I have to keep my faith and remind myself that like Danny Gokey’s song, I “Just Haven’t Seen It Yet.” The light at the end of the tunnel has become faint, but I have to have faith that my struggles have not been in vain.
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I am a work in progress…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Funny, Grace, health, Humor, in the kitchen, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, Marriage Encouragement, Mommy’s musings, MS, MS Fight Club, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, Therapeutic House-pets, Uncategorized, Women with MS on April 3, 2021
I was blogging with somewhat of a purpose, but then I started analyzing and reanalyzing every stinking thing I do and do not do. I feel like a mouse trapped in a maze because I have been all over the map trying to figure out what my point is and answer the million dollar question of why do I do what I do? I’ve ultimately determined that my blog is for me. When I began blogging some years ago. I had hopes illusions of reaching a massive following for those with MS and/or their care-partners and even more of those who were interested in knowing more about being a Christ-follower in the middle of battling a debilitating illness and trying to mainfain faith and trust that God was still good when my Multiple Sclerosis was spiraling out of control.
And it was. I went from being for the most part able-bodied and independent to having to learn to self-catheterize when I couldn’t empty my bladder on my own. Using a cane became obsolete when I had to graduate to using a walker and finally upgrade to a wheelchair all within six months … and back then in October 2001 when I was struggling in my position and could no longer do my job as a consumer loan officer, my neuroligist said I likely wouldn’t see my 30th birthday, which was still some years away. I’m briefly explaining all that to get around to my point that I am going to blog for me because I enjoy writing. If anyone follows my non-nonsensical gibberish or rantings that get tossed around in my mind, then sure, I hope you enjoy yourself, are encouraged or at the least, can smile at something said, but don’t expect anything Nobel prize worthy. I’m writing for myself as it can be therapeutic. My story is not debateable because it is MY experience and I will not apologize for MY convictions. Consider that fair-warning.
As a Christian I do get mad, upset or annoyed when unexpected circumstances or events (like bad health) put a hiccup in MY plans. Really? Indeed. Because I am a control-feak extrordinaire, but am always trying to give up my own illusions of what I want and instead work toward fulfilling God’s plan for my life. I am a sinner. That’s not a badge, just a recognition that I am so far from being perfect. I have made some massive mistakes that years later, I still struggle with forgiving myself. I am a Christ-follower. There is a difference because many label themselves as Christians, but they don’t have a relationship with God, pray etc.
Be confident that that is not a judgement of anyone because only God knows an individual’s heart. I am actively seeking God’s will for my life on a continual basis and although I mess-up many times every day, I try to stay on-track. I have a lot of Biblical head kowledge, but am trying to get myself to having more heart knowledge. That is not a pat on my back for ‘intentions’ because intentions do NOT count or provide any points for scoring if that’s how you grade yourself. 2000 years later, Jesus still remains the only perfect human. Perfection is impossble, but God is always at work in people’s lives to refine us into who we’re supposed to be for his purposes.
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I might need a wig
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Inspiration, Jesus, MS, Uncategorized on December 12, 2016
It’s been a while since I completed phase 1 of the #Lemtrada #MStreatment. I started the Lemtrada early November 2016 and completed in five days. With the many post-treatment symptoms I’ve experienced, I’d be lying if I said, “I have no regrets.” I have asked myself, “Was it worth it? Were those five days with an I-V an investment? #doubt A small price to pay for a hopefully better, but not guaranteed future down the road? And to be honest, I have gone through many dark episodes weeks of regretting my decision and desiring the opportunity to go back and do it over. As if that was possible. Well, I have regretted following-through and getting the treatment because of consistent lingering side effects like vertigo, muscle weakness, excessively painful tummy/gut aches and now hair loss. In fact, my poor head is losing hair by dozens of strands each time I brush. #chemo I’m not joking about the chemo. The Lemtrada is a diluted formula of it. And those gut-aches? They’re so painful, that at times I’ve prayed for God to bring me home to him so the pain will stop. But #reminder it’s now been going on four months since I’ve had to give myself an MS drug injection. Small blessings? No! Gi-normous #blessings.
That still remains the biggest adjustment as I’ve gotten out of the habit of doing shots, but I still question myself. Have I have done my today? No! And then, “You’re done with shots, Jenn!” I really do not do them any longer. November 5 was the final self-injection. Yay! So, yes I regretted doing the treatment, but remind myself of the benefits. 1. No more injections. 2. Rinse, Repeat to infinity and beyond. 3. #Nuffsaid. And then there’s the whole thing with my epidermis thanking me for seeking a different treatment. No, really. My skin and husband too, continually thank me as my skin has been able to work on returning much of its softness and a lot of its elasticity. Yay! #vanicream Only the best facial moisturizer and body cream I’ve ever used! Now here’s the really bad part… But, before you read further, can you handle my open book? My #honesty? My #transparency?
With those aforementioned painful, side-effects lingering, I’ve doubted God. I’m not by any means proud of my doubts during these rough times. I have questioned God about his goodness and good plans, which then causes me to question my own eternal status for questioning God. #believe Has my performance been up to par, Lord? Have I doubted one too many times, #Jesus? But I know better. #faith In Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV states, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works so that no one can boast.” A reminder that no one goes to the Father, but through him.” I’m a sinner, but God is good. Very good. How dare I question whether I’ve earned his mercy because it’s freely given to ALL who repent. #grace So, I’ve failed to update anything in a long time because I haven’t felt very good in long time and lost a lot of hair. I’m not bald, but my pony-tail over the last few months has diminished to about 1/3 of it’s prior thickness. Reminder that hair can grow back. I’m aware, I have nothing on those battling worse conditions, but please just stop comparing conditions because they are all so different. Yes, some are worse, some are better per se, but when you’re in the middle of a chronic fight for your life at times, it’s challenging to see that light that’s become so faint, you almost miss seeing it, at the end of the dark tunnel.
Here’s what happened: This morning I got up after having a really bad day yesterday filled with pain, self-doubt, about those alleged promises from #God, that will never happen (the doubts in my own head). My mental state has been rough and this morning as I was getting Baby Girl ready for the day, I was pretty resolved to stop going to church, stop believing, etc. because I’ve become very weary in maintaining my faith. It’s exhausting to smile when it seems pain is the new “normal” each day, I know I should eat something, but there’s nothing enticing about any type of food, when I’ll likely throw-up again.
I want my life back. I want to at least exist as things were prior to treatment, when I could walk only so far with MS, but it was predictable and I already knew that a short walk in the morning would require a half hour of rest, instead of the new normal to the rest of the day and the following morning. A tad excessive? I mean, come on, Lord! This new normal sucks! At least going into and following treatment, I had maintained my #faith through consistent #prayer and reading my Bible. But after some weeks of dealing with pain, weakness and queasiness, I became discouraged and my #prayer #Bible reading habits became easily dismissed most days.
Back to this morning, it was rough. I didn’t have the energy to battle #Baby Girls’s one-year-old antics when we and by “we,” I mean I FINALLY got her through eating most of her breakfast after smacking the utensil full of food many times for those food donations to be clean-up by the dog, cleaned her-up and took her out of her high-chair and put down to walk on her own and play with her toys. I finally had a #quiet moment #meditation to sit at my desk, while Baby Girl was playing just a few feet away, to look at my iPad. The first thing that greeted me was a notification that showed me the verse of the day. Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV, “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Wow! That was precisely what I needed. #hope
God has fantastic timing, doesn’t he? He’s always on-time and never late. Just when I was ready to give-in to circumstantially-driven doubt, He showed up to remind me of these words I’d forgotten, but read many times throughout the years. I needed to reread that and I’m so very #thankful to you Jesus for reminding me. #peace
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Too big to not share
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Faith, Football, Grace, Inspiration, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS Fight Club, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting MS, Uncategorized on November 2, 2016
With everything going on and my ever increasing #MSinducedmemoryproblems, I have to share this while I’m thinking about it or “POOF!” it’ll be gone and I’ll forget again because #MultipleSclerosis is playing hardball with my short-term memory retention these days. We’re at T minus 10 days until I start the #Lemtrada round one treatment.
Monday morning last week, B #husband #love texted me shortly after he got to work to say that he had some big #news and would share when he got home, but I was busy with the #baby #love and then getting #cleaning stuff done around the house #clean #addict and then POOF, my husband’s text was forgotten! That thought was gone and I didn’t think twice about it. I had dinner ready and Baby was fed when B came home, so he changed his clothes #relaxation and then we immediately said a dinner blessing. He was anxious to share whatever it was and I’d forgotten about the big news so I hesitated and put the burrito #dinner back on the plate. At his job, B’s an #art #mentor for mentally handicapped students and a student’s mom had called first thing that morning to let the staff know her son would be home sick that day, but as long as B answered the phone, Mary said she had something to share with him. She shared with B that a few days before, #God had placed on her heart to fast and #pray for me, but she didn’t know why.
Now, my #health is generally not a topic of conversation for either of us with strangers, especially for B at work, where unless I’m experiencing a symptom like vertigo that has required him to be home to care for Baby, other than a few people, no one really knows the rough issues with my #relapsingremittingms that rarely require him to be home, thankfully. B said that at one point, he had shared with Mary, who is also a #Believer, my testimony of walking again #miracle after being in a wheelchair for years. You must remember I do not cry, but my eyes occasionally sweat, mostly from allergies #denial. B then shared that a few days after fasting and praying for me, God told Mary I was going to be #healed. Initiate single eye-sweating program. I felt very #blessed that a person I met only once, might feel a burden to fast and pray for me, but I said nothing, then he repeated, “Jenn, Mary said God told her you’re going to be healed soon.” Level-up. Initiate inadvertent dual eye-sweating sequence…
So, in no way did I believe I could deserve something so big since I already received such a significant blessing years ago allowing me to walk again #amazing. It’s like I think my blessing bowl can be filled only once in a life-time. It’s definitely a process to consistently stop negative thoughts and immediately redirect and recognize those thoughts are inspired by the enemy telling me, “You don’t deserve ___.” I must stop such thoughts many times each day. My husband is fantastic to gently remind me that #Godismerciful and doesn’t use a pay-for-play method of forgiveness or blessing.
What?!? But I already was healed from having to depend on a wheelchair 11 years ago! #miracle Oh no-those sweat-glands in my eyes failed in a big way and my eyes began sweating profusely. I was confused how I was deserving of such a magnificent #blessing. I have a performance-based blessing mentality so I’m actively working to clean-out many years of negative internal-dialogue. I am still working toward recognizing performance based blessing in no way resembles my merciful and loving Savior. #nonsensestopshere I must be conscientious to make sure I do not repeat those methods with our foster #babyblessing, who my husband and I very much hope to #adopt.
I always use speaker-phone so my hands are free to do other mindless tasks like fold laundry while I “chat.” Unfortunately though, while my phone was on speaker a few months ago, B overheard everything loud and clear so there was no misinterpretation of conversation lecture verbiage about consequences I’m apparently still suffering, making B get a sour taste of that performance-based affection. “Now I know why you operate with a pay-for-play mentality. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart – I might get it now.” Things might have the ability to stick and set the tone for one’s dysfunctional internal dialogue for years, but it really is changing. #praiseGod #Jesussaves
I’m excited because as this Lemtrada treatment situation has unfolded over the past few months with God opening doors for my grant application to be immediately approved for funding the treatment, my faith steadily increasing and doubt finally gone and being at peace that although risky, Lemtrada is in fact the vehicle through which God will deliver healing as Lemtrada is the only treatment able to heal previous MS damage. #peacethatpassesallunderstanding This is exactly where God is guiding me and with healing, I believe He’s also preparing me for great things. Lord, I’m ready now. #amen
And of course, GO HAWKS!
Jenn
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Baby-Girl is 9 months
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, Faith, family, Grace, Inspiration, prayer, Uncategorized on October 26, 2016
And in mid-February, when we were given custody of a precious seven point something baby, I swore to B and everyone else that I could easily care for and do this #foster-parenting thing without falling in love because Baby Girl would be with us only a couple of months. Which wasn’t enough time to #fallinlovewithbaby I didn’t birth. Right? And besides, it’s plenty of time for Baby-Girl’s mom to make-up her mind to get her act together and get her baby back because she can’t stand that someone else is loving and raising her daughter. Right? Right. How cocky? Ignorant? Ridiculous? All of the above, was I to think I had it all figured out.
How could I be so naive in thinking being home with her all day, every day, to take care of and provide for her needs and with each task look into her gorgeous eyes to smile at her, hold bottles for her, change diapers and tell her sweet-things about herself, like how beautiful and precious she is many times each day, would not allow us to bond? #mommybabybonding Right? Right. Come on, Jenn! Everyone, please do me a favor and do not let me pass “Go” or collect $200 because I was an imbecile for thinking the way I did. But, I really did believe what I believed, that I could do this without becoming emotional or attached. Step-aside #Girl-Wonder. I was successful in referring to myself as Miss Jenn for a few months(what the two and three olds called me) when B and I taught Sunday School and how those munchkins in our little class referred to me. But then Mother’s Day arrived and B said, “You know you’re Mommy to her, Jenn.” And I was like, “Um, no, we’re waiting for a boy so I can’t be mommy until we get him.” But then recognition dawned on me with B’s words and I finally got it. That for our baby girl, I am Mom.
Those snapshots with which God provided for me more than 18 months ago, urged B and I to #pray and later go through the licensing process of becoming foster-parents to adopt a little boy. Except I tawt I saw #Tweety Bird, thought I saw, assumed based on the limited snap-shots, that I really envisioned a little boy. With those repetitive snapshots of me with a child, B with the same faceless child and us with the same curly-haired, but faceless lighter-skinned child, I kept seeing a faceless three or four-year-old and what I thought was a boy with non-descript clothing and brown curly hair and assumed we’d be sharing our home with a little boy. Silly me. The first clue should have been when our licensing social worker called us in February to see if we’d be willing to take a baby-girl? Read that as God’s timing, but I still didn’t get it. We agreed because we thought it would be great experience to care for a baby, although I personally didn’t believe a baby girl would be with us for very long while our real child (unknown boy) was waiting for us somewhere out there #AmericanTail.
And then the real eye-opener happened October 5, God gave me a clear thought I believe was absolutely from him because I never would have considered such an absurd thing on my own, “What if you were mistaken in your interpretation of those snapshots, Jenn?” asked God. What?!? Mistaken? Me? I say absurd because I might resemble one of those people who can become completely absorbed in my limited tunnel-vision. So, here’s the thing… I was looking at Baby-Girl, aka Butter Buns, aka several other cute nick-names and really studied her as she was trying to crawl, when the undeniable hit me. #Lightning “What if I was mistaken?” thought came to mind, courtesy of my merciful Savior because I am stubborn and it might take me a few tries to really GET something. “Think, McFly, Think!” #BacktotheFuture Baby-Girl is lighter-skinned with brown, curly hair…
Thank you, Lord for opening my eyes. Because as I said, I never would’ve considered without inspiration from someone higher than me that we already had in our custody, the baby in those snapshots. Yes, contrary to the fantastic perception my devoted readers already have of my unshakable confidence [read as mule-like tendencies], I might resemble one who struggles with tunnel-vision. Because no one and by no one I mean I don’t get the important stuff wrong. Well, not very often anyway. Welcome humility and I’m going to need your help here for an indefinite residency.
Do you ever think you have it all figured out, only to receive a figurative slap upside the head and find, you might have been wrong?
GO HAWKS!
Jenn
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True or False: A blog is a safe place to share or rant.
Posted by crusaderjennblog in debateable, Faith, lifestyle on August 25, 2015
Years ago, I was one of those who lived on the Faceplant (Facebook). See the film “The Internship” if you’re not familiar with the Faceplant reference. I spent hours lurking, liking and responding to people’s posts. Because I was sick (really I was in a wheelchair for a while) and could do nothing, but vicariously live through other’s activities. That was years ago and over the years, that time on Facebook diminished a great deal, to now, when I can barely tolerate it. I’m on there maybe once a week and primarily to see family and like/support the Seahawks feed. I might find myself feeling like I should like friend’s posts if I happen to make it to being logged-in 5 minutes 90 seconds. I set my profile on private and all my settings are also private so people really can’t see much about me like my birthday or anniversary. If I had that information available to others, than I would feel obligated to also give people the appropriate, “Happy or Congratulatory” remarks on their walls. So I rarely log-in to the social network thank goodness because who has time? When I got a new iPhone last Christmas, much to my dismay the Facebook app came pre-loaded, but I do not use the app for the reason that I am not that important. And Twitter? I have an account, but I also don’t use that. Because I’m not that important.
My husband laughs at my attitude because he thinks I sound like an elderly person. Hush, you whippersnapper. I guess I noticed last time I logged-in that people used Facebook as a means of obtaining relationship advice. A while back, I saw the marital demise of some friends based on the surplus of their disparaging Facebook posts at each other that were out there for the world to see. Don’t people tire of notifying everyone of what they’re feeling moment to moment or capturing every second of their life through taking pictures of themselves and posting another variation of their emotions or what they’re wearing? #Narcissism
Speaking of Instagram, I joined and my husband will attest to the fact that it was while borderline kicking and screaming. Social networks elicit that kind of a reaction any more because I feel like it’s, “just one more thing” that I’m required to monitor consistently. Thank you to those who hounded me on Facebook a few years ago when I didn’t respond in your timely fashion (immediately). And I closed the social network and turned to blogging.
I read a blog the other day and the writer was annoyed by the self-appointed blog experts who condemn bloggers new and old, like me for ‘doing it wrong.’ I can accept that I don’t know a lot, but I write because I like to and am not in any way trying to reach a certain crowd or a certain number of followers through my writing. The only thing I fear with blogging is making a commitment for a daily or weekly post and may miss a day because for example, Music Monday is on Monday and God forbid I miss the right day and have to post it on Thursday. That’s failure to me and a very real fear. That silly idea happened months ago and I already failed to maintain Music Monday because well, I was busy staging our home to look like we actually live here and then the whole thing with adoption started taking root, so you may understand that life has become busy.
My social networking pages are about me or what I want to see. I have a right to post what I want to post or filter-out what I don’t want to see. I should be able to maintain a page without fear of another individual high-jacking MY post by inserting their hashtag to use my post as their vehicle to support what or who they support. I guess I have this mentality that because I wouldn’t be that selfish to use a hashtag on a friend’s page, others also shouldn’t be selfish. It’s already challenging enough for me to share / post anything on Facebook without having to monitor / censor friends comments that appear. I support the Hawks and with football season beginning shortly, I changed my page’s photos to reflect my support. A friend commented that they couldn’t ‘like’ the new photos because they support a different team – insert hashtag. I deleted the comment because the hashtag supported an opposing team. I posted those pictures for ME to support the Hawks so perhaps a better response to those mascot pictures might have been for my friend to roll their eyes and NOT comment with an opposing hashtag? I guess I fear this friend’s response if they were to read this, because I don’t believe they can separate the difference between me disliking (deleting) their response or disliking them as a person, which is not the issue because I like them very much.
I get that there’s a certain satisfaction / ego boost that goes with razzing friends who support opposing teams, but why the hashtag? Personally, I see the hashtag as a great way to categorize, but because of their over-abundant use anymore, I’ve grown to see the symbol as #anotsocleverfiller. I #rantneverriot
Of what social networking trends are you tired or bored? Thank you for reading.
~Jenn
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It is well with my soul
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Inspiration, Living with MS on July 22, 2015
I love the newer version of this old hymn and God has continued to use this song to keep me and my thoughts in-check because at times, and I’ll be honest, I’ve gone from zero negativity to Defcon Red in milliseconds, for which there is really no valid reason. Those reasons have been ridiculous and those worries have been entirely unfounded. The “what if?” game and I have been on again, off again roommates and I still have to work at kicking-out the unwanted guest when they attempt to argue, sit down and makes themselves at home for an extended stay as they readily rehash what’s wrong in my life, when all I must do is counter-hash everything that is right. Here is Matt Redman’s version of “It Is Well With My Soul.”
I have been so very blessed! In 2001 my MS was on a fast-track quickly retrogressing and I became dependent upon using a wheelchair full-time. 2015 marks 10 years since I regained feeling in my legs, was healed and able to again walk and not require the assistance of a wheelchair. Thank you, Lord.
My Dad was diagnosed with cancer a little over a year ago in 2014. With each quarterly exam, the cancer was confirmed with the understanding that because it was a slow-growing cancer, nothing was an emergency, but it would need to be monitored. My Dad’s quarterly cancer check-up and biopsy in June came back, “No cancer.” As in with all the many many samples they extracted, there was NO TRACE of it. Thank you, Lord.
Our oldest kitty Thor, died at end of April- just a couple of months ago. He was with us 18 years and he lived a pretty long and happy life filled with chasing string and consistent purrs. We adopted Thor shortly after B and I married. Our youngest kitty, Zephyr was diagnosed with kidney stones last winter and because of the process of going under the knife, we’ve hesitated to get him the surgery. With our loss of Thor, the Lord knew we needed some comfort and allowed Zephyr to be instrumental in providing that with lots of loves and cuddles as we mourned, but we remained worried that his condition would also take him from us too soon. Zephyr is now stone-free. Thank you, Lord.
My husband had a bad cough for about a year and the doctor said it was fine. It went away and then the cough started again and I kept reminding B to go to his doctor to see what was going on. They did a full exam and also ran an x-ray this time around. The x-ray was clear and everything is absolutely fine with his lungs except that the doc put him on an allergy regimen and now that painful cough is almost completely gone. Thank you, Lord.
I doubt that there are any other Christians out there who have ever been able to relate to being control-freaks or worrying excessively. What? You might resemble being controlling? You worry about stuff too? Then you can relate… I guess that somehow I believed in my very misguided perception is that if I worried needlessly about anything big or small, that things will get better or something ridiculous like that. I am thankful that God has a plan and that through my worries, He’s waited patiently for me to step-back, give him those reigns for my inner control-freak extraordinaire and just let him be God. It’s a process and I am an active work-in-progress with needing to remind myself daily that, “‘He’s got this, Jenn.” It’s very silly the amount of control that I perceive I have. I believe that the above situations served for no other purpose than to get my faith on-track. But then, it may not be all about me, so perhaps my perspective is selfish in that the listed situations were to grow my faith, when those also could have also served to grow my husband’s faith, my Dad faith, my Mom’s faith and / or my Sister’s faith…
As B and I have again felt led to pursue adoption, our faith has very much been stretched. It’s far from ideal circumstances since we’re older and have less money than the first time we attempted to adopt in ’07, but God’s bigger. We’ve been called to just be obedient to his guidance. He’s bigger than our perceived ideal circumstances and we have questions, but more than anything, we must trust in him.
Relinquishing control is not easy, but I’m confident that considering my own life is just a little blip on God’s screen, that He can see all things past, present and future and that there is a Divine purpose for him allowing you or me or any other person to go through anything. Those situations are either good or bad character building or faith building.
What are you made of? Do you struggle with doubt? What kind of situations have challenged your own faith?
Jenn
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