Posts Tagged grace
10 days and counting…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, health, life, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Maintaining Faith, prayer, Relapsing Remitting MS, Uncategorized on December 5, 2021
Which means a week from Wednesday, my ENT is surgically removing the misbehaving glands of my parathyroid, or at least removing that portion of it. Which he’s been doing for other patients. For 30 years. For patients who share a similar list of symptoms. I’m anxious to be rid of the nasty culprit. That has flipped my life in topsy turvy fashion, only to hide itself from being a team player and resist showing its entire self in medical photos. Even the best radiology center could not obtain pictures that revealed, nor was their biopsy conclusive of what was going on. However, the ENT continued to view and review a few particular images of the one gland he could see out of 4 parathyroid glands, which told him to do nuclear testing which made my parathyroid light up. No, I was not lit up like a Christmas tree. But, what my ENT saw as it was plainly bright, was enough to order several more tests to confirm his suspicions and order surgery following obtaining those additional tests to be completed as soon as possible.
The right parathyroid gland had a sizable dark spot that proved to be an adenoma. Although benign, my ENT said tumors still cause disruptions in patient’s lives because where there is 1 adenoma, there are often 2 so doctors check for another in all the glands when they do surgery. Disruptions like a patient’s gate change and hobbling around instead of walking normally, like testing positive for osteoporosis at a younger than typical age for diagnosis because her body decided to leak calcium, like the bone density scan additionally proved that because of the calcium loss, that my bones are losing density and could potentially become so brittle that tripping once more on the stairs could cause a broken bone or a few plus another few fractures.
My Endocrinologist understandably prescribed a calcium replacement drug that I started taking in June, but my ENT, whom I initially saw in early October, because of adverse side effects, wants me to stop taking the drug asap. When I was given the prescription, I did research and despite the risk to lose teeth and calcium, while also gaining calcium and bone density, I filled the prescription because there are other drugs out there that offer positive effects, but they also yield comparable negative effects. Six to one, half dozen the other…
That said, I am keeping December’s appointment to remove some of, if not all the parathyroid.
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Here we go…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Bible, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Football, fun, Grace, health, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Maintaining Faith, MS Fight Club, prayer, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, toddlers, Uncategorized on November 14, 2021
This happens every year. This year I think the inauguration of Autumn baking thoughts happened when our daughter and I were watching B carve Halloween Pumpkins for our little family. But dancing skeletons evolved into dancing sugarplums. Or perhaps it was watching Charlie Brown’s great pumpkin that evolved into musings of pumpkin bread Christmas.
I love the distraction of post-Halloween plans. I mean I put up a few decorations for Halloween, and I think some decor is fun for the Holiday, but I see some people do an overload of focusing on evil and finding that humorous. For example, each year the neighbor behind us picks some dark theme and decorates accordingly. This neighbor is technically not on our street. But the upstairs master bedroom has a deck/patio that can view our backyard. Some years ago, with the rere-lease of It, for Halloween, the neighbor hung a massive decorative sheet from his upstairs bedroom patio so everyone at the end of our street, or anyone who dared take a detour down our street would have a clear leave nothing to the imagination view of Pennywise and all his bloody-faced glory, having no regard for little ones who might be traumatized by seeing a glimpse.
Unfortunately, when another neighbor asked them to take it down and to keep in mind those little and innocent trick-or-treater’s eyes who should be protected from seeing that, the neighbor saw himself as a self-appointed messenger doing everyone a favor and said, “Mind your own business, besides kids will see it eventually.” Lord, have mercy! We had the displeasure of seeing that nightmare one Halloween, but thankfully on the flip side, those same neighbors have not used their back deck since then to hang anything.
Now, I am not trying to portay myself as an innocent. I read Stephen King as a teenager and an early twenty-something, but my time reading dark literature was satisfied after I finished It. My late Granny took all five of the grandkids (I am the oldest) to the circus every year as youngsters when Ringling Brothers were in town, so I grew up liking clowns. However, the novel about Pennywise changed my appreciation of clowns and they ceased being fun. That novel really changed my simplistic view because apparently, clowns are not always happy.
Who can explain the nonsensical ramblings of a Jenn? Certainly not I. And that may or may not have any correlation to anything, When all of a sudden, my little brain thinks snowmen, more specifically, giggling about Olaf’s sweet ignorance of being a happy snowman in summer. And then there’s the fragrance of cinnamon inspired goodies like baking gingersnaps, pumpkin bread or snickerdoodles! Yum! Maybe it was because we had a short ‘bout of cooler temperatures, that reminded me of winter, though I’m about three weeks early… which then inspired me to think snowflakes again and cause me to bake because why wouldn’t I associate gingersnaps with autumn? They go together. Then winter solstice and just a few days later Christmas? Or maybe it was when my 2-year-old handed me a book to read her – the story about how that green thief who stole Christmas.
Praise God for all these distractions with my surgery coming up so there’s zero opportunity to fixate on worrying when I know God’s in control.
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I am a work in progress…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Funny, Grace, health, Humor, in the kitchen, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, Marriage Encouragement, Mommy’s musings, MS, MS Fight Club, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, Therapeutic House-pets, Uncategorized, Women with MS on April 3, 2021
I was blogging with somewhat of a purpose, but then I started analyzing and reanalyzing every stinking thing I do and do not do. I feel like a mouse trapped in a maze because I have been all over the map trying to figure out what my point is and answer the million dollar question of why do I do what I do? I’ve ultimately determined that my blog is for me. When I began blogging some years ago. I had hopes illusions of reaching a massive following for those with MS and/or their care-partners and even more of those who were interested in knowing more about being a Christ-follower in the middle of battling a debilitating illness and trying to mainfain faith and trust that God was still good when my Multiple Sclerosis was spiraling out of control.
And it was. I went from being for the most part able-bodied and independent to having to learn to self-catheterize when I couldn’t empty my bladder on my own. Using a cane became obsolete when I had to graduate to using a walker and finally upgrade to a wheelchair all within six months … and back then in October 2001 when I was struggling in my position and could no longer do my job as a consumer loan officer, my neuroligist said I likely wouldn’t see my 30th birthday, which was still some years away. I’m briefly explaining all that to get around to my point that I am going to blog for me because I enjoy writing. If anyone follows my non-nonsensical gibberish or rantings that get tossed around in my mind, then sure, I hope you enjoy yourself, are encouraged or at the least, can smile at something said, but don’t expect anything Nobel prize worthy. I’m writing for myself as it can be therapeutic. My story is not debateable because it is MY experience and I will not apologize for MY convictions. Consider that fair-warning.
As a Christian I do get mad, upset or annoyed when unexpected circumstances or events (like bad health) put a hiccup in MY plans. Really? Indeed. Because I am a control-feak extrordinaire, but am always trying to give up my own illusions of what I want and instead work toward fulfilling God’s plan for my life. I am a sinner. That’s not a badge, just a recognition that I am so far from being perfect. I have made some massive mistakes that years later, I still struggle with forgiving myself. I am a Christ-follower. There is a difference because many label themselves as Christians, but they don’t have a relationship with God, pray etc.
Be confident that that is not a judgement of anyone because only God knows an individual’s heart. I am actively seeking God’s will for my life on a continual basis and although I mess-up many times every day, I try to stay on-track. I have a lot of Biblical head kowledge, but am trying to get myself to having more heart knowledge. That is not a pat on my back for ‘intentions’ because intentions do NOT count or provide any points for scoring if that’s how you grade yourself. 2000 years later, Jesus still remains the only perfect human. Perfection is impossble, but God is always at work in people’s lives to refine us into who we’re supposed to be for his purposes.
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Learning Humility
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, family, Grace, Inspiration, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Relapsing Remitting MS, Uncategorized on November 10, 2016
Over the course of twenty-two years with MS and its retrogression through abilities like my choice to temporarily give-up driving at the tender age of 27, only to again be able to reclaim it a few years later -albeit with some hesitance, #loveindependencebutIvalueyoursafetytoo, and then the need to self-catheterize in public restrooms #hateunsanitarybutnecessary was mandatory because when you gotta go, always go with confidence. And then there was the necessity of needing walking help with a cane or walker and dealing with the loud and ignorant judgmental heckler’s (stangers) comments, let’s call a spade a spade, #grumpyoldcodgers being bullies simply jealous I obtained the last handi-capable parking spot, or the accusations that I “faked” using various devices for good parking, but the most influential, yet one of the most difficult to accept component was accepting rides to appointments from well-meaning #friends and #family.
These were all contributors that #God used to help me absorb the much-needed lessons of being humble. #lessonoffaith Thank you, Lord for being patient with me. #godnevergivesuponus Thank you also to friends for your help and thank you, #Jesus for teaching me to learn to simply appreciate a friendly act of service. I don’t recall just who interrupted me in one of my misguided tirades about people boosting their own egos to offer to “help the cripple.” Was I that bad? I know it’s hard to believe, but yes, Jenn is #stubborn, and I was likely worse than I imagined because it was in my head that I believed most people were fake.
And I often revert to speaking about myself in third-person when I get frustrated. #oldhabitsdiehard To mentally turn each offer to help, into an ego boost for themselves. A lesson I’ve been learning is to accept things at #facevalue instead of trying to read between the lines for some (but likely not there) hidden meaning. Talk about being a mental-case. I might most definitely resemble that. Ever heard, ” When you worry about what others think of you, you’d be surprised how little they do.” Whoa. So as much as I think people want to make me feel a certain way, they don’t. I ultimately control how I feel and most people have better things to do than manipulate ways to be condescending. Again-whoa. Jenn’s learned it’s much easier to believe an offer is sincere. If it’s not, that is not my problem because I should not be required to further analyze anything.
I detested being required to depend on others to #chauffeur me to doctor appointments, and because of the increasing menu of my many worsening #relapsingremittingMS issues, there were many of those to see various specialists like a speech pathologist to assess learning to speak again, a physical therapist to help me re-learn to walk, a urologist to learn how to safely #catheterize in an emergency, just to name a few things. Because of the many basic abilities I had taken for granted, the lesson to give-up stuff and be forced to accept and later embrace a new practice in order to get what I needed was somewhat lengthy. You can imagine teaching an old dog mule-like human some new tricks.
Yes, those first couple of years being disabled before turning 30, even I was a pain. You better believe it. I was that old dog. #stubbornasamule Although it probably took longer than was necessary since I was so resistant to accepting help for so long, but once this girl got-it, it became easier and easier to just say, “Yes, I appreciate your offer to help and thank you very much. What day would be best for you?” Another challenging situation was when people offered to buy or prepare us a meal, drop it off and expect nothing in return. Because of my limp and gimpiness, I am a klutz and when I shattered my ankle seven times slipping on the driveway in ’07, several brought us meals. Again, thank you for helping in a big way. But, I very very briefly got back in the mode of analyzing people instead of just saying, “Thank you,” but then quickly realized this was a meal I could in no way prepare for B #husband #love before he came home from work. The moral of the story is accept someone’s offer to help and don’t forget to say thank you and send a thank you note. Those became my new rules. Much easier. And no further analyzing. Whew! This girl’s brain needs a rest. But today, I’m asking for grace while I’m getting the I-V full of #MS treatment as I try to coherently share my thoughts. Thank you in advance.
Speaking of friends, there’s a generous couple from #church who have offered to provide dinner for us as I go through this #Lemtrada #MS treatment. Thank you to friends like this who “get-it.” Instead of of putting the responsibility on us to, “Just let you know if we need anything.” This couple called yesterday and asked if they could bring us dinner tonight. As a matter of fact, that is precisely how such an offer should happen. Those are the best kind. It’s humbling that people would do this for us. It might seem silly that I really cannot do much, but I cannot go anywhere or even try to exercise while the I-V is attached so here I am several hours a day getting treatment. Maybe compare it to being on a long flight, sitting several hours and also being at the doctor’s office for vitals monitoring.
💙💚💙 GO HAWKS! 💙💚💙
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Too big to not share
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Faith, Football, Grace, Inspiration, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, marriage, Marriage Encouragement, MS Fight Club, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting MS, Uncategorized on November 2, 2016
With everything going on and my ever increasing #MSinducedmemoryproblems, I have to share this while I’m thinking about it or “POOF!” it’ll be gone and I’ll forget again because #MultipleSclerosis is playing hardball with my short-term memory retention these days. We’re at T minus 10 days until I start the #Lemtrada round one treatment.
Monday morning last week, B #husband #love texted me shortly after he got to work to say that he had some big #news and would share when he got home, but I was busy with the #baby #love and then getting #cleaning stuff done around the house #clean #addict and then POOF, my husband’s text was forgotten! That thought was gone and I didn’t think twice about it. I had dinner ready and Baby was fed when B came home, so he changed his clothes #relaxation and then we immediately said a dinner blessing. He was anxious to share whatever it was and I’d forgotten about the big news so I hesitated and put the burrito #dinner back on the plate. At his job, B’s an #art #mentor for mentally handicapped students and a student’s mom had called first thing that morning to let the staff know her son would be home sick that day, but as long as B answered the phone, Mary said she had something to share with him. She shared with B that a few days before, #God had placed on her heart to fast and #pray for me, but she didn’t know why.
Now, my #health is generally not a topic of conversation for either of us with strangers, especially for B at work, where unless I’m experiencing a symptom like vertigo that has required him to be home to care for Baby, other than a few people, no one really knows the rough issues with my #relapsingremittingms that rarely require him to be home, thankfully. B said that at one point, he had shared with Mary, who is also a #Believer, my testimony of walking again #miracle after being in a wheelchair for years. You must remember I do not cry, but my eyes occasionally sweat, mostly from allergies #denial. B then shared that a few days after fasting and praying for me, God told Mary I was going to be #healed. Initiate single eye-sweating program. I felt very #blessed that a person I met only once, might feel a burden to fast and pray for me, but I said nothing, then he repeated, “Jenn, Mary said God told her you’re going to be healed soon.” Level-up. Initiate inadvertent dual eye-sweating sequence…
So, in no way did I believe I could deserve something so big since I already received such a significant blessing years ago allowing me to walk again #amazing. It’s like I think my blessing bowl can be filled only once in a life-time. It’s definitely a process to consistently stop negative thoughts and immediately redirect and recognize those thoughts are inspired by the enemy telling me, “You don’t deserve ___.” I must stop such thoughts many times each day. My husband is fantastic to gently remind me that #Godismerciful and doesn’t use a pay-for-play method of forgiveness or blessing.
What?!? But I already was healed from having to depend on a wheelchair 11 years ago! #miracle Oh no-those sweat-glands in my eyes failed in a big way and my eyes began sweating profusely. I was confused how I was deserving of such a magnificent #blessing. I have a performance-based blessing mentality so I’m actively working to clean-out many years of negative internal-dialogue. I am still working toward recognizing performance based blessing in no way resembles my merciful and loving Savior. #nonsensestopshere I must be conscientious to make sure I do not repeat those methods with our foster #babyblessing, who my husband and I very much hope to #adopt.
I always use speaker-phone so my hands are free to do other mindless tasks like fold laundry while I “chat.” Unfortunately though, while my phone was on speaker a few months ago, B overheard everything loud and clear so there was no misinterpretation of conversation lecture verbiage about consequences I’m apparently still suffering, making B get a sour taste of that performance-based affection. “Now I know why you operate with a pay-for-play mentality. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart – I might get it now.” Things might have the ability to stick and set the tone for one’s dysfunctional internal dialogue for years, but it really is changing. #praiseGod #Jesussaves
I’m excited because as this Lemtrada treatment situation has unfolded over the past few months with God opening doors for my grant application to be immediately approved for funding the treatment, my faith steadily increasing and doubt finally gone and being at peace that although risky, Lemtrada is in fact the vehicle through which God will deliver healing as Lemtrada is the only treatment able to heal previous MS damage. #peacethatpassesallunderstanding This is exactly where God is guiding me and with healing, I believe He’s also preparing me for great things. Lord, I’m ready now. #amen
And of course, GO HAWKS!
Jenn
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True or False: A blog is a safe place to share or rant.
Posted by crusaderjennblog in debateable, Faith, lifestyle on August 25, 2015
Years ago, I was one of those who lived on the Faceplant (Facebook). See the film “The Internship” if you’re not familiar with the Faceplant reference. I spent hours lurking, liking and responding to people’s posts. Because I was sick (really I was in a wheelchair for a while) and could do nothing, but vicariously live through other’s activities. That was years ago and over the years, that time on Facebook diminished a great deal, to now, when I can barely tolerate it. I’m on there maybe once a week and primarily to see family and like/support the Seahawks feed. I might find myself feeling like I should like friend’s posts if I happen to make it to being logged-in 5 minutes 90 seconds. I set my profile on private and all my settings are also private so people really can’t see much about me like my birthday or anniversary. If I had that information available to others, than I would feel obligated to also give people the appropriate, “Happy or Congratulatory” remarks on their walls. So I rarely log-in to the social network thank goodness because who has time? When I got a new iPhone last Christmas, much to my dismay the Facebook app came pre-loaded, but I do not use the app for the reason that I am not that important. And Twitter? I have an account, but I also don’t use that. Because I’m not that important.
My husband laughs at my attitude because he thinks I sound like an elderly person. Hush, you whippersnapper. I guess I noticed last time I logged-in that people used Facebook as a means of obtaining relationship advice. A while back, I saw the marital demise of some friends based on the surplus of their disparaging Facebook posts at each other that were out there for the world to see. Don’t people tire of notifying everyone of what they’re feeling moment to moment or capturing every second of their life through taking pictures of themselves and posting another variation of their emotions or what they’re wearing? #Narcissism
Speaking of Instagram, I joined and my husband will attest to the fact that it was while borderline kicking and screaming. Social networks elicit that kind of a reaction any more because I feel like it’s, “just one more thing” that I’m required to monitor consistently. Thank you to those who hounded me on Facebook a few years ago when I didn’t respond in your timely fashion (immediately). And I closed the social network and turned to blogging.
I read a blog the other day and the writer was annoyed by the self-appointed blog experts who condemn bloggers new and old, like me for ‘doing it wrong.’ I can accept that I don’t know a lot, but I write because I like to and am not in any way trying to reach a certain crowd or a certain number of followers through my writing. The only thing I fear with blogging is making a commitment for a daily or weekly post and may miss a day because for example, Music Monday is on Monday and God forbid I miss the right day and have to post it on Thursday. That’s failure to me and a very real fear. That silly idea happened months ago and I already failed to maintain Music Monday because well, I was busy staging our home to look like we actually live here and then the whole thing with adoption started taking root, so you may understand that life has become busy.
My social networking pages are about me or what I want to see. I have a right to post what I want to post or filter-out what I don’t want to see. I should be able to maintain a page without fear of another individual high-jacking MY post by inserting their hashtag to use my post as their vehicle to support what or who they support. I guess I have this mentality that because I wouldn’t be that selfish to use a hashtag on a friend’s page, others also shouldn’t be selfish. It’s already challenging enough for me to share / post anything on Facebook without having to monitor / censor friends comments that appear. I support the Hawks and with football season beginning shortly, I changed my page’s photos to reflect my support. A friend commented that they couldn’t ‘like’ the new photos because they support a different team – insert hashtag. I deleted the comment because the hashtag supported an opposing team. I posted those pictures for ME to support the Hawks so perhaps a better response to those mascot pictures might have been for my friend to roll their eyes and NOT comment with an opposing hashtag? I guess I fear this friend’s response if they were to read this, because I don’t believe they can separate the difference between me disliking (deleting) their response or disliking them as a person, which is not the issue because I like them very much.
I get that there’s a certain satisfaction / ego boost that goes with razzing friends who support opposing teams, but why the hashtag? Personally, I see the hashtag as a great way to categorize, but because of their over-abundant use anymore, I’ve grown to see the symbol as #anotsocleverfiller. I #rantneverriot
Of what social networking trends are you tired or bored? Thank you for reading.
~Jenn
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It is well with my soul
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Inspiration, Living with MS on July 22, 2015
I love the newer version of this old hymn and God has continued to use this song to keep me and my thoughts in-check because at times, and I’ll be honest, I’ve gone from zero negativity to Defcon Red in milliseconds, for which there is really no valid reason. Those reasons have been ridiculous and those worries have been entirely unfounded. The “what if?” game and I have been on again, off again roommates and I still have to work at kicking-out the unwanted guest when they attempt to argue, sit down and makes themselves at home for an extended stay as they readily rehash what’s wrong in my life, when all I must do is counter-hash everything that is right. Here is Matt Redman’s version of “It Is Well With My Soul.”
I have been so very blessed! In 2001 my MS was on a fast-track quickly retrogressing and I became dependent upon using a wheelchair full-time. 2015 marks 10 years since I regained feeling in my legs, was healed and able to again walk and not require the assistance of a wheelchair. Thank you, Lord.
My Dad was diagnosed with cancer a little over a year ago in 2014. With each quarterly exam, the cancer was confirmed with the understanding that because it was a slow-growing cancer, nothing was an emergency, but it would need to be monitored. My Dad’s quarterly cancer check-up and biopsy in June came back, “No cancer.” As in with all the many many samples they extracted, there was NO TRACE of it. Thank you, Lord.
Our oldest kitty Thor, died at end of April- just a couple of months ago. He was with us 18 years and he lived a pretty long and happy life filled with chasing string and consistent purrs. We adopted Thor shortly after B and I married. Our youngest kitty, Zephyr was diagnosed with kidney stones last winter and because of the process of going under the knife, we’ve hesitated to get him the surgery. With our loss of Thor, the Lord knew we needed some comfort and allowed Zephyr to be instrumental in providing that with lots of loves and cuddles as we mourned, but we remained worried that his condition would also take him from us too soon. Zephyr is now stone-free. Thank you, Lord.
My husband had a bad cough for about a year and the doctor said it was fine. It went away and then the cough started again and I kept reminding B to go to his doctor to see what was going on. They did a full exam and also ran an x-ray this time around. The x-ray was clear and everything is absolutely fine with his lungs except that the doc put him on an allergy regimen and now that painful cough is almost completely gone. Thank you, Lord.
I doubt that there are any other Christians out there who have ever been able to relate to being control-freaks or worrying excessively. What? You might resemble being controlling? You worry about stuff too? Then you can relate… I guess that somehow I believed in my very misguided perception is that if I worried needlessly about anything big or small, that things will get better or something ridiculous like that. I am thankful that God has a plan and that through my worries, He’s waited patiently for me to step-back, give him those reigns for my inner control-freak extraordinaire and just let him be God. It’s a process and I am an active work-in-progress with needing to remind myself daily that, “‘He’s got this, Jenn.” It’s very silly the amount of control that I perceive I have. I believe that the above situations served for no other purpose than to get my faith on-track. But then, it may not be all about me, so perhaps my perspective is selfish in that the listed situations were to grow my faith, when those also could have also served to grow my husband’s faith, my Dad faith, my Mom’s faith and / or my Sister’s faith…
As B and I have again felt led to pursue adoption, our faith has very much been stretched. It’s far from ideal circumstances since we’re older and have less money than the first time we attempted to adopt in ’07, but God’s bigger. We’ve been called to just be obedient to his guidance. He’s bigger than our perceived ideal circumstances and we have questions, but more than anything, we must trust in him.
Relinquishing control is not easy, but I’m confident that considering my own life is just a little blip on God’s screen, that He can see all things past, present and future and that there is a Divine purpose for him allowing you or me or any other person to go through anything. Those situations are either good or bad character building or faith building.
What are you made of? Do you struggle with doubt? What kind of situations have challenged your own faith?
Jenn
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I am the worst blogger. Ever.
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, family, health, Inspiration, life, marriage, MS on May 12, 2015
Updating and sharing… I get so caught-up in doing irrelevant tasks like decorating the house (as I should have done years ago) and baking and currently researching to understand trends, that when I’m riding such a wave of momentum that I cannot stop or maybe I don’t stop? Shortly after I completed the ‘making our house a home’ ordeal back in early April, I was able to again join a gym. I’ve missed that daily habit for several years and when my MS improved back in ’05 and we were still in WA, I joined a gym and enlisted the help of a trainer who coincidentally also has MS, and provided me with a detailed program of cardio exercises, strength-building and toning exercises for me to keep some level of strength. But, since moving, I really had not been in a gym in years. I’m thankful most of the strength that I’d built remained during my gym absence and I was able to work the same major and minor muscle groups each day that I did earlier, so it took only a couple of weeks to get back into the habit in 2015. So once again these activities became part of my current routine with lifting four days a week, and doing between 7-10 miles of cardio on my recumbent bike at home daily.
Another project that’s had my ongoing attention is getting our pool ready for Pool-Season. During winter and early spring, there’s a minor level of maintenance required except after days of excessive wind and leaves blowing into the pool a few days each month. We had a couple of weeks of windy weather in late April, which resulted in a slightly cloudy pool from all the dust and then the vacuüm stopped working, but was not clogged so I enlisted a professional to diagnose our pool’s problem. I didn’t know what I didn’t know and I hate to claim ignorance, but there were a few steps that went ignored with our pool maintenance. So after cleaning the filters and getting ALL the appropriate equipment, with my newly acquired knowledge of ALL the steps, the pool is running just fine for the coming summer Pool-Season, which now that we’re consistently involved with our small group from church and they’re aware of our pool, there are definite expectations of us hosting pool-related barbecues/get-togethers.
Also relating to Pool-Season, my hair is short again. Long hair gets hot on my neck and I gripe about it for a month, even with it pulled-up in a pony-tail and I finally give in to getting it cut. It’ll grow back, unless I determine the shorter do is a keeper… Another thing is for years, my sister has been on me to watch Mad Men and a couple of weeks ago, B and I tried it a third time and well…we’re finally in. Jon Hamm is gorgeous, which has nothing to do with anything, but have you seen “Million Dollar Arm”? He’s definitely also a DB in that film just like he is in MM… And Peggy? Why didn’t anyone catch-on to her being pregnant? I called that long before she even started showing… Speaking of pregnancy, my sister is due in August and we’re once again attempting to adopt, but this time is different so more on that later.
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Let’s talk about intentions
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, marriage on February 5, 2015
Merriam Webster’s website (2015) defines intention as a noun and “something you aim to do” or a “purpose.” I believe that most people hope and aim to do their best and make intentions / commitments accordingly, therefore one might say that, “They had the best INTENTIONS.” I occasionally hear and read emails from or about people admitting to an event or something they intended to do, but obviously failed since the word was in the past-tense. Failed intentions are quickly given a pass because that wasn’t their, let’s say it together, INTENTION. The word is over-used and loosely-used to excuse an over-commitment (lie) / bad behavior or a failure. Now I’m confident that there are a great many who will call me judgmental and say I lack tolerance of people’s situations and go on to say that I must be perfect, blah, blah blah… I am far from perfection, but as a Christian, I try to do better than the day before and never over-commit. I was once one of those obtuse folks who over-committed and later canceled last-minute because I had the best of intentions to participate in making some donated goodies, for example, or however I committed only to later realize I committed to an activity in which I aimed to participate, that I really never had any intention of being involved. Okay, now get over yourself because you wouldn’t be that defensive if you weren’t also guilty of this.
At one time, I intended / committed to make cookies every Sunday for our old church. It was a small church and I needed to make only seven dozen cookies, which I often made every Saturday-night for the next morning. Considering how much I love baking, it was a very small act of service, but there came a point a few months later after doing this every weekend when I became bored and would cancel because I just didn’t feel like baking. Granted I had health issues that were becoming a contributing factor in this, but I should have resigned from my commitment ahead of time instead of being proud and stubborn. I spoke with someone about this and Mickey pointed out to me that intentions can go either way – we either do what we committed to do or we intend to not follow-through. When he further explained that it’s either/or or pass/fail, my eyes were opened more widely because I think like many, we think our intentions outweigh outcomes. But they do not.
About intentions in marriage…
Commitments / intentions should be as solid as your marriage vows and upheld. You make a commitment to your spouse and you should do whatever you have to to make sure you do not fail. Obviously, emergencies happen and must be accommodated, but a commitment remains a commitment. Over recent months this has become somewhat of a thing in my marriage. We’re working on 19 years together, but it’s been fairly consistent during only the last couple of years that B’s intentions to do something for me have some sort of ‘optional’ clause to not follow-through, perhaps? It is a bit hurtful, I admit, but because he intended to follow-through, I think he thinks that he should receive points for the intention, I guess? Now these broken commitments are small in the grand scheme and are not by any means divorce-worthy. However, it remains hurtful that I might have become somewhat of a sacrifice, as he makes sure he follows-through with each commitment beyond us. Perhaps he doesn’t want to appear a flake among coworkers or peers?
It’s interesting that people have such varying perspectives on intentions with spouses. For one individual, an intention to a spouse is as good as a signed contract and they will move mountains to ensure the intention/commitment remains unbroken, but for another, who sees their spouse as ‘just my husband’ or ‘just my wife,’ they have given themselves the option to fail [Stop taking your spouse for granted!], when it should be the complete opposite as they should elevate their spouse’s importance instead of diminishing it. Commitments to a spouse to fix an appliance or prepare a platter of goodies for coworkers or whatever the task is should be more important than commitments to non-spouses since you’re married to one and only work with or for another. I’ve never understood those who say things like that because essentially, they have lessened their spouses role and therefore their spouse’s value. Many years ago, I attended a work-related event with my husband and when his boss walked-up and asked who I was, I smiled and said, “I’m just B’s wife, Jennifer.” B’s boss responded with, “Hmm, you mean you ARE his wife and not just his wife…” That might have been eye-opening for me because there I was speaking condescendingly about myself.
Now, I must explain that my husband is NOT a monster. I think at times his focus gets wrapped-up in whatever project has his attention and that he doesn’t see the looming ‘something’s got to give’ warning sign up ahead. Unfortunately, that something is most often me because typically I am an understanding wife I attempt to be an understanding wife. I suspect there might be a few others in a similar situation and am curious how you address a concern with your spouse or do you prefer to avoid it? What is your best approach? What is your coping-mechanism? I like wine, which may or may not be relevant in this situation, but I believe that I just stumbled upon another blog-post idea…
~Jenn
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Is the potential to make things worse, worth the risk?
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, family, Jesus, MS on January 17, 2015
I’ve been in the middle of using those critical thinking skills and I think because of my tendency to analyze and reanalyze in all numbers of equations, those skills only become more and sharper to more quickly come to reasonable conclusions. I’ve been very blessed these last 10 years. Rereading that number is incredible because I had to use a wheelchair from ’01 to ’05. 10 years ago I was able to quit using a wheelchair. Wow! I’ve tried to never take for granted what I have because this disease could easily and without notice, remove a number of abilities as it did in years past. The abilities to walk, run, see, swallow and void without the proper tool for example are some things that I could not do for a number of years, so when I could do them again, I’ve tried to always remain grateful and Praise God that those abilities were returned to me and that I still have them 10 years later. The high temperatures of last summer challenged my MS. Obviously we’re months beyond last summer, but I wonder if it’s possible that the high temperatures continue to have a lingering effect on my current state.
I saw my neurologist yesterday and while I was in the waiting room I played an iPad game. Being left-brained, I’m always playing games during which I mentally analyze a number of things that do not have anything to do with the game because I can play the game on ‘automatic pilot’ therefore allowing myself to think on other issues like determining if I’ve created a symptom or whether it was already a symptom. As I was matching tiles, I noticed a feeling in my leg that I hadn’t experienced in years. Numbness and tingling. Then I disregarded what that feeling meant and continued playing. The nurse lead me to a room and I noticed the feeling again. A bit later on my way home from my neurologist’s, I was unsettled about the whole numbness episode because although I was conveniently at his office for an appointment, it seemed he was too quick to prescribe a new bout of treatment. I signed the okay to move forward because I just wanted to get home. I didn’t bother to turn on the radio while driving because I needed to pray and concentrate on what a new treatment might mean. At home I immersed myself into tasks that needed to be done before the weekend began and finally, the dam broke and my eyes sweat (I cried). When I once again acknowledged the unpredictability and reality of my disease, I researched the suggested drug and failed to see any endearing qualities so instead of filling the prescription, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing with exercise and diet.
10 years ago when I got better, I desperately needed a reboot and I quit taking the 13 symptom-chasing drugs that my prior neurologist in Washington kept prescribing for me because I needed to know if those were still necessary. When I quit taking all those drugs, I almost immediately noticed that I felt better. Feeling lucid and NOT feeling like a zombie or I guess what I assume a zombie may feel like, definitely feels better. The list of 14 side-effects of this potential new prescription from my current neurologist included 7 issues that MS currently gives me and upon further reading, those issues would likely be exacerbated with the new prescription! “hmm Let me think about this… gosh, everything sounds very enticing and like something with which I think I should definitely take some risks,” said no reasonable CrusaderJenn EVER. As I’ve already been down the road of drug cocktails and symptom-chasing, I’m content to wait this round out. I understand those who see my decision as foolish. However, please take a moment to understand that I was diagnosed 20 years ago and from MS years 7 through 12, my MS symptoms covered many of those who have a more progressive form of MS. I doubted my own longevity back then and I recently found out that my family also doubted that I’d make it to 30-years-old because my relapsing-remitting MS progressed so badly and so quickly. But God did heal me and here I am 10 years later.
I am a big fan of Pinterest and here’s the link to my MS board. I have to read this board daily as it provides me with a mental boost and some inspiration to keep Fighting the Good Fight.
http://www.pinterest.com/CrusaderJenn/ms-battling-multiple-sclerosis/
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