Posts Tagged women
I might need a wig
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Inspiration, Jesus, MS, Uncategorized on December 12, 2016
It’s been a while since I completed phase 1 of the #Lemtrada #MStreatment. I started the Lemtrada early November 2016 and completed in five days. With the many post-treatment symptoms I’ve experienced, I’d be lying if I said, “I have no regrets.” I have asked myself, “Was it worth it? Were those five days with an I-V an investment? #doubt A small price to pay for a hopefully better, but not guaranteed future down the road? And to be honest, I have gone through many dark episodes weeks of regretting my decision and desiring the opportunity to go back and do it over. As if that was possible. Well, I have regretted following-through and getting the treatment because of consistent lingering side effects like vertigo, muscle weakness, excessively painful tummy/gut aches and now hair loss. In fact, my poor head is losing hair by dozens of strands each time I brush. #chemo I’m not joking about the chemo. The Lemtrada is a diluted formula of it. And those gut-aches? They’re so painful, that at times I’ve prayed for God to bring me home to him so the pain will stop. But #reminder it’s now been going on four months since I’ve had to give myself an MS drug injection. Small blessings? No! Gi-normous #blessings.
That still remains the biggest adjustment as I’ve gotten out of the habit of doing shots, but I still question myself. Have I have done my today? No! And then, “You’re done with shots, Jenn!” I really do not do them any longer. November 5 was the final self-injection. Yay! So, yes I regretted doing the treatment, but remind myself of the benefits. 1. No more injections. 2. Rinse, Repeat to infinity and beyond. 3. #Nuffsaid. And then there’s the whole thing with my epidermis thanking me for seeking a different treatment. No, really. My skin and husband too, continually thank me as my skin has been able to work on returning much of its softness and a lot of its elasticity. Yay! #vanicream Only the best facial moisturizer and body cream I’ve ever used! Now here’s the really bad part… But, before you read further, can you handle my open book? My #honesty? My #transparency?
With those aforementioned painful, side-effects lingering, I’ve doubted God. I’m not by any means proud of my doubts during these rough times. I have questioned God about his goodness and good plans, which then causes me to question my own eternal status for questioning God. #believe Has my performance been up to par, Lord? Have I doubted one too many times, #Jesus? But I know better. #faith In Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV states, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works so that no one can boast.” A reminder that no one goes to the Father, but through him.” I’m a sinner, but God is good. Very good. How dare I question whether I’ve earned his mercy because it’s freely given to ALL who repent. #grace So, I’ve failed to update anything in a long time because I haven’t felt very good in long time and lost a lot of hair. I’m not bald, but my pony-tail over the last few months has diminished to about 1/3 of it’s prior thickness. Reminder that hair can grow back. I’m aware, I have nothing on those battling worse conditions, but please just stop comparing conditions because they are all so different. Yes, some are worse, some are better per se, but when you’re in the middle of a chronic fight for your life at times, it’s challenging to see that light that’s become so faint, you almost miss seeing it, at the end of the dark tunnel.
Here’s what happened: This morning I got up after having a really bad day yesterday filled with pain, self-doubt, about those alleged promises from #God, that will never happen (the doubts in my own head). My mental state has been rough and this morning as I was getting Baby Girl ready for the day, I was pretty resolved to stop going to church, stop believing, etc. because I’ve become very weary in maintaining my faith. It’s exhausting to smile when it seems pain is the new “normal” each day, I know I should eat something, but there’s nothing enticing about any type of food, when I’ll likely throw-up again.
I want my life back. I want to at least exist as things were prior to treatment, when I could walk only so far with MS, but it was predictable and I already knew that a short walk in the morning would require a half hour of rest, instead of the new normal to the rest of the day and the following morning. A tad excessive? I mean, come on, Lord! This new normal sucks! At least going into and following treatment, I had maintained my #faith through consistent #prayer and reading my Bible. But after some weeks of dealing with pain, weakness and queasiness, I became discouraged and my #prayer #Bible reading habits became easily dismissed most days.
Back to this morning, it was rough. I didn’t have the energy to battle #Baby Girls’s one-year-old antics when we and by “we,” I mean I FINALLY got her through eating most of her breakfast after smacking the utensil full of food many times for those food donations to be clean-up by the dog, cleaned her-up and took her out of her high-chair and put down to walk on her own and play with her toys. I finally had a #quiet moment #meditation to sit at my desk, while Baby Girl was playing just a few feet away, to look at my iPad. The first thing that greeted me was a notification that showed me the verse of the day. Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV, “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Wow! That was precisely what I needed. #hope
God has fantastic timing, doesn’t he? He’s always on-time and never late. Just when I was ready to give-in to circumstantially-driven doubt, He showed up to remind me of these words I’d forgotten, but read many times throughout the years. I needed to reread that and I’m so very #thankful to you Jesus for reminding me. #peace
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Let’s talk about intentions
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, marriage on February 5, 2015
Merriam Webster’s website (2015) defines intention as a noun and “something you aim to do” or a “purpose.” I believe that most people hope and aim to do their best and make intentions / commitments accordingly, therefore one might say that, “They had the best INTENTIONS.” I occasionally hear and read emails from or about people admitting to an event or something they intended to do, but obviously failed since the word was in the past-tense. Failed intentions are quickly given a pass because that wasn’t their, let’s say it together, INTENTION. The word is over-used and loosely-used to excuse an over-commitment (lie) / bad behavior or a failure. Now I’m confident that there are a great many who will call me judgmental and say I lack tolerance of people’s situations and go on to say that I must be perfect, blah, blah blah… I am far from perfection, but as a Christian, I try to do better than the day before and never over-commit. I was once one of those obtuse folks who over-committed and later canceled last-minute because I had the best of intentions to participate in making some donated goodies, for example, or however I committed only to later realize I committed to an activity in which I aimed to participate, that I really never had any intention of being involved. Okay, now get over yourself because you wouldn’t be that defensive if you weren’t also guilty of this.
At one time, I intended / committed to make cookies every Sunday for our old church. It was a small church and I needed to make only seven dozen cookies, which I often made every Saturday-night for the next morning. Considering how much I love baking, it was a very small act of service, but there came a point a few months later after doing this every weekend when I became bored and would cancel because I just didn’t feel like baking. Granted I had health issues that were becoming a contributing factor in this, but I should have resigned from my commitment ahead of time instead of being proud and stubborn. I spoke with someone about this and Mickey pointed out to me that intentions can go either way – we either do what we committed to do or we intend to not follow-through. When he further explained that it’s either/or or pass/fail, my eyes were opened more widely because I think like many, we think our intentions outweigh outcomes. But they do not.
About intentions in marriage…
Commitments / intentions should be as solid as your marriage vows and upheld. You make a commitment to your spouse and you should do whatever you have to to make sure you do not fail. Obviously, emergencies happen and must be accommodated, but a commitment remains a commitment. Over recent months this has become somewhat of a thing in my marriage. We’re working on 19 years together, but it’s been fairly consistent during only the last couple of years that B’s intentions to do something for me have some sort of ‘optional’ clause to not follow-through, perhaps? It is a bit hurtful, I admit, but because he intended to follow-through, I think he thinks that he should receive points for the intention, I guess? Now these broken commitments are small in the grand scheme and are not by any means divorce-worthy. However, it remains hurtful that I might have become somewhat of a sacrifice, as he makes sure he follows-through with each commitment beyond us. Perhaps he doesn’t want to appear a flake among coworkers or peers?
It’s interesting that people have such varying perspectives on intentions with spouses. For one individual, an intention to a spouse is as good as a signed contract and they will move mountains to ensure the intention/commitment remains unbroken, but for another, who sees their spouse as ‘just my husband’ or ‘just my wife,’ they have given themselves the option to fail [Stop taking your spouse for granted!], when it should be the complete opposite as they should elevate their spouse’s importance instead of diminishing it. Commitments to a spouse to fix an appliance or prepare a platter of goodies for coworkers or whatever the task is should be more important than commitments to non-spouses since you’re married to one and only work with or for another. I’ve never understood those who say things like that because essentially, they have lessened their spouses role and therefore their spouse’s value. Many years ago, I attended a work-related event with my husband and when his boss walked-up and asked who I was, I smiled and said, “I’m just B’s wife, Jennifer.” B’s boss responded with, “Hmm, you mean you ARE his wife and not just his wife…” That might have been eye-opening for me because there I was speaking condescendingly about myself.
Now, I must explain that my husband is NOT a monster. I think at times his focus gets wrapped-up in whatever project has his attention and that he doesn’t see the looming ‘something’s got to give’ warning sign up ahead. Unfortunately, that something is most often me because typically I am an understanding wife I attempt to be an understanding wife. I suspect there might be a few others in a similar situation and am curious how you address a concern with your spouse or do you prefer to avoid it? What is your best approach? What is your coping-mechanism? I like wine, which may or may not be relevant in this situation, but I believe that I just stumbled upon another blog-post idea…
~Jenn
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Get to know me better Funny Friday
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Funny Friday on January 23, 2015
Am I the only person to completely get lost on Pinterest? I suspect that I’m not and the rest of you are lying. Here are a few that had me laugh-out-loud because well, the hidden caption basically says, “That’s so ME!” or I’m likely to say whatever the Pin says out loud and seriously question whether I did say my thoughts aloud. Here are a few laugh-out-loud pins:
WA rivals – Smart Cougars vs Dumb “Dawgs”
Have a great Friday and enjoy the weekend!
~Jenn
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Shaking it off
Posted by crusaderjennblog in debateable, Inspiration, Music Monday on January 19, 2015
This isn’t a ‘traditional’ Music Monday post as I’ve suggested I will share the first Monday of each Month. This link came across my email over the weekend and it’s too amusing to NOT share with y’all. I suspect that nearly everyone is familiar with Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off.” With all the negativity and awful press that many officers receive, I thought this was an appropriate cop’s response to those bandwaggoners who maintain the ignorance that all cops are bad:
Thank you to all the men and women who’ve lost their lives and who continue to place their their lives on-the-line each day to protect and serve. Thank you also to the officer in the video who maintained a great sense of humor lip-syncing, “Shake It Off.”
To those who believe cops shouldn’t carry or use weapons, I ask if you think officers can realistically protect by carrying only non-deadly mace to spray at perps or protect using a tranquilizer gun to hopefully only stun a criminal, if the officer happens to gain clear access, while you’re being held at gunpoint, for example? Or, is a cop only obligated to protect you and not also protect him or herself?
~Jenn
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Funny Friday
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Funny on January 9, 2015
I love to laugh, but because I have the attention span of a gnat, and a half-dozen unrelated posts that I started throughout the week to prove it, for today, l am sharing the amusing videos I came across this week and will complete the WIPs (Works-In-Progress) this weekend.
Enjoy and have a fantastic weekend!
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Free-bleeding is a hoax. Or is it?
Posted by crusaderjennblog in debateable, growing-up, life, trends to consider on January 5, 2015
I rarely spend longer than a few minutes on the social network, and by a few minutes, I mean a few minutes because I learned years ago that the social network is a time-sink that draws me in to absorb irrelevant news when I don’t set limits. All that to say imagine my surprise when during those allotted minutes yesterday I saw a ‘friend’s status about free-bleeding. Questioning my eyesight I cleaned my glasses and reread, free-bleeding. I hoped this wasn’t what I thought it might be, but it was and I’m thankful that there wasn’t an excessive number of comments supporting this. For a second I asked out loud, “Are you kidding me? Have I somehow surfed a time-warp that took me back 100 years? How did I miss this?” See the above answer to first appear in bold font in paragraph number one – why I do not spend excessive hours on the social network, The internet is an invaluable resource of true, but sometimes false information, therefore, I did a lot of research. About a year ago, apparently ‘this’ is when ‘this’ became a ‘this’ and there were definitely those who support(ed) the free-bleeding phenomenon and up to the last few months, there were also a great many comments on blogs from those who questioned the idea that perhaps this was a joke. There were also those who concluded that this ‘free-bleeding’ thing might take females backward, which is a correct assessment. Because it would take us backward to where we would have a surplus of blood-borne pathogens related to menstruating females who put everyone at risk because wearing a pad or tampon is too much of a hardship for their underdeveloped sensibilities.
Now, I realize that radical groups believe they are progressive in their idea of free-bleeding, but for a moment, let us utilize those critical thinking skills. In 2015, when we have the ‘technology,’ if you will, to make our monthly a private event, which no one, but the bleeder must be aware, doesn’t that equal forward thinking? But rather than going forward, it appears that some feminists want us to regress and treat this as something, a ‘right,’ to handle publicly, all because there were some males behind the development of pads and tampons. In the midst of this research I read that some feminists believe tampons ‘rape’ us. Now that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think? I guess I’m modest and I love the fact that as a female, I don’t have to make it public knowledge or write a PSA with commonly excused and irrational PMS induced behavior when the monthly arrives. Life goes on, up to, during and after the event because we have the appropriate ‘equipment’ to manage the event. Free-bleeders take your radicalism, your mess and your stink back out to the barn or back to the jungle because in 2015, ‘this’ should not even be a thing. If it is. But then, perhaps the whole thing was a marketing ploy to sell feminine products, which might be considered genius… What do you think?
~Jenn
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