Posts Tagged writing is art
I am a work in progress…
Posted by crusaderjennblog in adoption, Babies, Bible, debateable, Faith, Faith in the Midst of Illness, family, Funny, Grace, health, Humor, in the kitchen, Inspiration, invisible disease, Jesus, life, lifestyle, Living with Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Living with MS, Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Maintaining Faith, Marriage Encouragement, Mommy’s musings, MS, MS Fight Club, Nervous System, Neurological Conditions, prayer, Relapsing Remitting, Relapsing Remitting MS, Stress and MS, Therapeutic House-pets, Uncategorized, Women with MS on April 3, 2021
I was blogging with somewhat of a purpose, but then I started analyzing and reanalyzing every stinking thing I do and do not do. I feel like a mouse trapped in a maze because I have been all over the map trying to figure out what my point is and answer the million dollar question of why do I do what I do? I’ve ultimately determined that my blog is for me. When I began blogging some years ago. I had hopes illusions of reaching a massive following for those with MS and/or their care-partners and even more of those who were interested in knowing more about being a Christ-follower in the middle of battling a debilitating illness and trying to mainfain faith and trust that God was still good when my Multiple Sclerosis was spiraling out of control.
And it was. I went from being for the most part able-bodied and independent to having to learn to self-catheterize when I couldn’t empty my bladder on my own. Using a cane became obsolete when I had to graduate to using a walker and finally upgrade to a wheelchair all within six months … and back then in October 2001 when I was struggling in my position and could no longer do my job as a consumer loan officer, my neuroligist said I likely wouldn’t see my 30th birthday, which was still some years away. I’m briefly explaining all that to get around to my point that I am going to blog for me because I enjoy writing. If anyone follows my non-nonsensical gibberish or rantings that get tossed around in my mind, then sure, I hope you enjoy yourself, are encouraged or at the least, can smile at something said, but don’t expect anything Nobel prize worthy. I’m writing for myself as it can be therapeutic. My story is not debateable because it is MY experience and I will not apologize for MY convictions. Consider that fair-warning.
As a Christian I do get mad, upset or annoyed when unexpected circumstances or events (like bad health) put a hiccup in MY plans. Really? Indeed. Because I am a control-feak extrordinaire, but am always trying to give up my own illusions of what I want and instead work toward fulfilling God’s plan for my life. I am a sinner. That’s not a badge, just a recognition that I am so far from being perfect. I have made some massive mistakes that years later, I still struggle with forgiving myself. I am a Christ-follower. There is a difference because many label themselves as Christians, but they don’t have a relationship with God, pray etc.
Be confident that that is not a judgement of anyone because only God knows an individual’s heart. I am actively seeking God’s will for my life on a continual basis and although I mess-up many times every day, I try to stay on-track. I have a lot of Biblical head kowledge, but am trying to get myself to having more heart knowledge. That is not a pat on my back for ‘intentions’ because intentions do NOT count or provide any points for scoring if that’s how you grade yourself. 2000 years later, Jesus still remains the only perfect human. Perfection is impossble, but God is always at work in people’s lives to refine us into who we’re supposed to be for his purposes.
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It is well with my soul
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Inspiration, Living with MS on July 22, 2015
I love the newer version of this old hymn and God has continued to use this song to keep me and my thoughts in-check because at times, and I’ll be honest, I’ve gone from zero negativity to Defcon Red in milliseconds, for which there is really no valid reason. Those reasons have been ridiculous and those worries have been entirely unfounded. The “what if?” game and I have been on again, off again roommates and I still have to work at kicking-out the unwanted guest when they attempt to argue, sit down and makes themselves at home for an extended stay as they readily rehash what’s wrong in my life, when all I must do is counter-hash everything that is right. Here is Matt Redman’s version of “It Is Well With My Soul.”
I have been so very blessed! In 2001 my MS was on a fast-track quickly retrogressing and I became dependent upon using a wheelchair full-time. 2015 marks 10 years since I regained feeling in my legs, was healed and able to again walk and not require the assistance of a wheelchair. Thank you, Lord.
My Dad was diagnosed with cancer a little over a year ago in 2014. With each quarterly exam, the cancer was confirmed with the understanding that because it was a slow-growing cancer, nothing was an emergency, but it would need to be monitored. My Dad’s quarterly cancer check-up and biopsy in June came back, “No cancer.” As in with all the many many samples they extracted, there was NO TRACE of it. Thank you, Lord.
Our oldest kitty Thor, died at end of April- just a couple of months ago. He was with us 18 years and he lived a pretty long and happy life filled with chasing string and consistent purrs. We adopted Thor shortly after B and I married. Our youngest kitty, Zephyr was diagnosed with kidney stones last winter and because of the process of going under the knife, we’ve hesitated to get him the surgery. With our loss of Thor, the Lord knew we needed some comfort and allowed Zephyr to be instrumental in providing that with lots of loves and cuddles as we mourned, but we remained worried that his condition would also take him from us too soon. Zephyr is now stone-free. Thank you, Lord.
My husband had a bad cough for about a year and the doctor said it was fine. It went away and then the cough started again and I kept reminding B to go to his doctor to see what was going on. They did a full exam and also ran an x-ray this time around. The x-ray was clear and everything is absolutely fine with his lungs except that the doc put him on an allergy regimen and now that painful cough is almost completely gone. Thank you, Lord.
I doubt that there are any other Christians out there who have ever been able to relate to being control-freaks or worrying excessively. What? You might resemble being controlling? You worry about stuff too? Then you can relate… I guess that somehow I believed in my very misguided perception is that if I worried needlessly about anything big or small, that things will get better or something ridiculous like that. I am thankful that God has a plan and that through my worries, He’s waited patiently for me to step-back, give him those reigns for my inner control-freak extraordinaire and just let him be God. It’s a process and I am an active work-in-progress with needing to remind myself daily that, “‘He’s got this, Jenn.” It’s very silly the amount of control that I perceive I have. I believe that the above situations served for no other purpose than to get my faith on-track. But then, it may not be all about me, so perhaps my perspective is selfish in that the listed situations were to grow my faith, when those also could have also served to grow my husband’s faith, my Dad faith, my Mom’s faith and / or my Sister’s faith…
As B and I have again felt led to pursue adoption, our faith has very much been stretched. It’s far from ideal circumstances since we’re older and have less money than the first time we attempted to adopt in ’07, but God’s bigger. We’ve been called to just be obedient to his guidance. He’s bigger than our perceived ideal circumstances and we have questions, but more than anything, we must trust in him.
Relinquishing control is not easy, but I’m confident that considering my own life is just a little blip on God’s screen, that He can see all things past, present and future and that there is a Divine purpose for him allowing you or me or any other person to go through anything. Those situations are either good or bad character building or faith building.
What are you made of? Do you struggle with doubt? What kind of situations have challenged your own faith?
Jenn
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It’s come to my attention that I’m clairvoyant
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, family on July 16, 2015
And it’s not anything that I ever wanted, but I guess since it’s not in any way a career path, we’re all good. Since my left brain-ness typically only considers the literal about most things, it takes me a while to ‘get’ anything outside the box, because I’m legalistic that way. In summary of this situation, one might say, I failed to add two and two, where the most basic of addition would have lead me to recognize a simple correlation between nearby regional earthquakes and a challenging vertigo episode that often begins within a few hours to 48 hours before a quake. Perhaps it all depends on how slow or fast the tectonic plates shift or how massive the seismic activity in my geographic region? Is there a seismic expert in the house?
I only recognized this during the recent few months that with each earthquake that has occurred within my region in the last 20 years, I’ve experienced severe vertigo. By ‘severe’, I mean vertigo that has me seeing doubles/triples and everything around me spinning at an exponential speed. How’s that for fun? On the bright side, this ‘fun’ occurs without warning and gives me a sensation that I am taking full advantage of an unlimited pass to ride all the twisting and turning roller-coasters on this planet – all in a few minutes. Yay for me! Now the reality is that one of these unwelcome vertigo episodes begins with spinning and often gets worse through the first day only to climax until the earthquake occurs. Then as a final reminder to not forget that this unwelcome guest stopped-by and overstayed its welcome, it provides a sickness ‘hangover’ for at least a day after the event. When you’ve been sick with a cold or flu for example and have taken those fantastic symptom hiding over-the-counter treatments like the, “Sniffling, sneezing, head-aching, so you can rest magic,” and wake the next morning feeling a little more clear-headed, but wondering where and what barricade you hit going 55 miles per hour, that’s the medicine hangover I’m talking about, as I wouldn’t know anything about other types.
When the most recent episode occurred June 23, I posted to the social network: I said something to the effect that, “History states whenever I experience a severe case of vertigo, an earthquake occurs in my geographic region within 48 hours, but I hope for once I will be a false prophet.” So, 48 hours came and went and nothing happened. Except it did. But I’m not on the network enough to see comments or even watch the local news because I might at times resemble living under a rock when said vertigo occurs. Watching TV and reading the paper is impossible when I see doubles and triples of everything. So, a friend saw my post and watched our regional news closely and notified me that a quake occurred on our fault line. In Alaska. Another quake occurred May 22 – same situation in me having vertigo a couple days ahead. We also had a quake earlier in the year and like clock-work, vertigo set in a couple days in advance. So wherever we’ve lived, vertigo is indicative of an earthquake within 48 hours. I believe there’s a correlation between how much of he human body is water (60-75%) depending on which expert and just like the changing tides and the closer a full moon gets to earth, there is something that sets off my balance and the liquid in my inner-ear that goes wonky with seismic activity.
You probably agree that my husband had an interesting perspective about this. B’s interpretation was that upon me discovering my ‘ability” to foresee earthquakes, I should also consider that God’s using this ability to communicate with me. Wow! That interpretation was unexpected. Decades ago at the private school, my classmate’s nickname for me, was ‘Doubting Thomas,’ which could not be more accurate than it is now. And the reason it’s relevant is because for over a year, I’ve received these ‘snapshots’ that just appear in my head. These uninspired and by uninspired, I haven’t seen a tear-jerker commercial, for example, but these snapshots have been of me or B or both of us with one or two children, but since we don’t have children, I got into the habit of quickly disregarding these ‘snapshots.’ (I’ll share with you later about B’s reaction a few months ago to my confession about the snapshots). And that’s why B’s interpretation is that just like I foresee earthquakes, God’s trying to show me that these snapshots are going to be reality. What? Whoa, Dude! No way! Is this even a reasonable possibility? Yes. Matthew 19:26. And Mark 9:24 has also become a daily reference. Dear Lord, I want to believe and I think I believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!
Are you clairvoyant or have you experienced anything like this or have you been a witness to someone experiencing this?
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I am the worst blogger. Ever.
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, family, health, Inspiration, life, marriage, MS on May 12, 2015
Updating and sharing… I get so caught-up in doing irrelevant tasks like decorating the house (as I should have done years ago) and baking and currently researching to understand trends, that when I’m riding such a wave of momentum that I cannot stop or maybe I don’t stop? Shortly after I completed the ‘making our house a home’ ordeal back in early April, I was able to again join a gym. I’ve missed that daily habit for several years and when my MS improved back in ’05 and we were still in WA, I joined a gym and enlisted the help of a trainer who coincidentally also has MS, and provided me with a detailed program of cardio exercises, strength-building and toning exercises for me to keep some level of strength. But, since moving, I really had not been in a gym in years. I’m thankful most of the strength that I’d built remained during my gym absence and I was able to work the same major and minor muscle groups each day that I did earlier, so it took only a couple of weeks to get back into the habit in 2015. So once again these activities became part of my current routine with lifting four days a week, and doing between 7-10 miles of cardio on my recumbent bike at home daily.
Another project that’s had my ongoing attention is getting our pool ready for Pool-Season. During winter and early spring, there’s a minor level of maintenance required except after days of excessive wind and leaves blowing into the pool a few days each month. We had a couple of weeks of windy weather in late April, which resulted in a slightly cloudy pool from all the dust and then the vacuüm stopped working, but was not clogged so I enlisted a professional to diagnose our pool’s problem. I didn’t know what I didn’t know and I hate to claim ignorance, but there were a few steps that went ignored with our pool maintenance. So after cleaning the filters and getting ALL the appropriate equipment, with my newly acquired knowledge of ALL the steps, the pool is running just fine for the coming summer Pool-Season, which now that we’re consistently involved with our small group from church and they’re aware of our pool, there are definite expectations of us hosting pool-related barbecues/get-togethers.
Also relating to Pool-Season, my hair is short again. Long hair gets hot on my neck and I gripe about it for a month, even with it pulled-up in a pony-tail and I finally give in to getting it cut. It’ll grow back, unless I determine the shorter do is a keeper… Another thing is for years, my sister has been on me to watch Mad Men and a couple of weeks ago, B and I tried it a third time and well…we’re finally in. Jon Hamm is gorgeous, which has nothing to do with anything, but have you seen “Million Dollar Arm”? He’s definitely also a DB in that film just like he is in MM… And Peggy? Why didn’t anyone catch-on to her being pregnant? I called that long before she even started showing… Speaking of pregnancy, my sister is due in August and we’re once again attempting to adopt, but this time is different so more on that later.
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Funny Friday
Posted by crusaderjennblog in family, Funny Friday on February 6, 2015
We’re already at the first Friday of February 2015! I love a good parody vid and this “All About That Cake(and Chicken)” vid is pretty cute (tune based on Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass.”
The magnified size of a spider (in my head) might explain why I have this irrational fear of those eight-legged monsters…
What a great idea!!!
Lie detector test – but kids never lie!
Enjoy and have a fabulous weekend!
~Jenn
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Let’s talk about intentions
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, marriage on February 5, 2015
Merriam Webster’s website (2015) defines intention as a noun and “something you aim to do” or a “purpose.” I believe that most people hope and aim to do their best and make intentions / commitments accordingly, therefore one might say that, “They had the best INTENTIONS.” I occasionally hear and read emails from or about people admitting to an event or something they intended to do, but obviously failed since the word was in the past-tense. Failed intentions are quickly given a pass because that wasn’t their, let’s say it together, INTENTION. The word is over-used and loosely-used to excuse an over-commitment (lie) / bad behavior or a failure. Now I’m confident that there are a great many who will call me judgmental and say I lack tolerance of people’s situations and go on to say that I must be perfect, blah, blah blah… I am far from perfection, but as a Christian, I try to do better than the day before and never over-commit. I was once one of those obtuse folks who over-committed and later canceled last-minute because I had the best of intentions to participate in making some donated goodies, for example, or however I committed only to later realize I committed to an activity in which I aimed to participate, that I really never had any intention of being involved. Okay, now get over yourself because you wouldn’t be that defensive if you weren’t also guilty of this.
At one time, I intended / committed to make cookies every Sunday for our old church. It was a small church and I needed to make only seven dozen cookies, which I often made every Saturday-night for the next morning. Considering how much I love baking, it was a very small act of service, but there came a point a few months later after doing this every weekend when I became bored and would cancel because I just didn’t feel like baking. Granted I had health issues that were becoming a contributing factor in this, but I should have resigned from my commitment ahead of time instead of being proud and stubborn. I spoke with someone about this and Mickey pointed out to me that intentions can go either way – we either do what we committed to do or we intend to not follow-through. When he further explained that it’s either/or or pass/fail, my eyes were opened more widely because I think like many, we think our intentions outweigh outcomes. But they do not.
About intentions in marriage…
Commitments / intentions should be as solid as your marriage vows and upheld. You make a commitment to your spouse and you should do whatever you have to to make sure you do not fail. Obviously, emergencies happen and must be accommodated, but a commitment remains a commitment. Over recent months this has become somewhat of a thing in my marriage. We’re working on 19 years together, but it’s been fairly consistent during only the last couple of years that B’s intentions to do something for me have some sort of ‘optional’ clause to not follow-through, perhaps? It is a bit hurtful, I admit, but because he intended to follow-through, I think he thinks that he should receive points for the intention, I guess? Now these broken commitments are small in the grand scheme and are not by any means divorce-worthy. However, it remains hurtful that I might have become somewhat of a sacrifice, as he makes sure he follows-through with each commitment beyond us. Perhaps he doesn’t want to appear a flake among coworkers or peers?
It’s interesting that people have such varying perspectives on intentions with spouses. For one individual, an intention to a spouse is as good as a signed contract and they will move mountains to ensure the intention/commitment remains unbroken, but for another, who sees their spouse as ‘just my husband’ or ‘just my wife,’ they have given themselves the option to fail [Stop taking your spouse for granted!], when it should be the complete opposite as they should elevate their spouse’s importance instead of diminishing it. Commitments to a spouse to fix an appliance or prepare a platter of goodies for coworkers or whatever the task is should be more important than commitments to non-spouses since you’re married to one and only work with or for another. I’ve never understood those who say things like that because essentially, they have lessened their spouses role and therefore their spouse’s value. Many years ago, I attended a work-related event with my husband and when his boss walked-up and asked who I was, I smiled and said, “I’m just B’s wife, Jennifer.” B’s boss responded with, “Hmm, you mean you ARE his wife and not just his wife…” That might have been eye-opening for me because there I was speaking condescendingly about myself.
Now, I must explain that my husband is NOT a monster. I think at times his focus gets wrapped-up in whatever project has his attention and that he doesn’t see the looming ‘something’s got to give’ warning sign up ahead. Unfortunately, that something is most often me because typically I am an understanding wife I attempt to be an understanding wife. I suspect there might be a few others in a similar situation and am curious how you address a concern with your spouse or do you prefer to avoid it? What is your best approach? What is your coping-mechanism? I like wine, which may or may not be relevant in this situation, but I believe that I just stumbled upon another blog-post idea…
~Jenn
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Last weekend the Seahawks Won because of me
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Faith, Football on January 25, 2015
I’m not so self-important to really think that I had anything to do with the Hawk’s win against the Packers last Sunday, but I do think God did allow them to win for me. The last few years my faith has been inconsistent and consistently wavering. At some point, I somehow started believing that blessings from God were performance-based. I know that my assessment of performance-based blessing is entirely false and thank God! I’m thankful He doesn’t work like that because if that were true, there’s no possibility that I would ever or could ever be blessed. Then I have to remind myself that I never deserved to be healed, but God healed the status of MS so I could walk again and not require a wheelchair full-time. I also must keep reminding myself that God continues working in my life and I also never deserved any of these ongoing blessings. So when I was watching the game last Sunday and saw the Hawks on their way to a loss in the last quarter, I kept saying to myself that my God is a God of miracles as He’s shown me with my health that miracles clearly happen. I prayed for and asked God, while also believing in a miracle that the Seahawks could still win the game.
And they did. Despite the great point deficit. Congratulations, Seahawks and know I’m praying for another win against the Patriots next weekend! GO HAWKS! Regardless of whether God allowed the Seahawks to win for me or because of my tiny faith, God knew I needed a little encouragement and through that answer, God met me where I was in my wavering mustard seed faith. Although I’m near the US gambling capital where I could have put a penny on Seattle to win, I’m confident that I wasn’t the only non-betting person praying for the Hawks to come out on top. I also believe that God knew I desperately needed something to hold onto and for him to show me He’s still in control and that despite myself, He heard even my little prayer for an irrelevant football game outcome. Thank you, Lord – I needed that. I know that positive answer helped to confirm and re-energize my faith in an unseen God who WILL move us back to WA, but I must be patient in also having faith in his perfect timing. Thank you again, Lord Jesus!
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Fresh from the oven – favorite seasonal treats
Posted by crusaderjennblog in family, marriage, recipes on January 21, 2015
But why don’t more people call fall, “Autumn?” Does the silent ‘n’ create enough confusion to deter people from using this term for the season? Since I already do it because I can, I propose that more people practice calling the season ‘autumn.’ That said, autumn also is the official beginning to my baking season, which lasts through the winter months. I realize we’re nearly halfway into winter, but with our temps being in the mid-high 60’s and low spring-like 70’s by this weekend, I feel like I’m being forced to place a moratorium on baking these treats after this month, since they’re typically associated with the last few month’s holidays. But knowing myself as I do, I won’t allow a little technicality like a month name create a ‘cease and desist’ baking order. Besides, my husband is year-around my most loyal fan for everything I bake and he’s not picky about what I bake or when.
Here are my Gingersnaps – all perfectly round and cracked like their supposed to be, huh? And they taste as delicious as they look. I’ll be making these at least a few more times before the end of winter. If you’d like to make these Gingersnaps:
In a bowl, add 1 C packed brown sugar, 3/4 C shortening 1/4 C molasses, 1 egg, 1 tsp baking soda, 1/2 tsp cloves, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1 tsp ginger and mix with an electric mixer on high until smooth. Add 2 1/4 C flour and mix on medium speed until thoroughly combined. Set oven temperature at 350 degrees. In a separate container, add 1/2 C sugar. Shape the dough into 1-inch balls and roll in sugar. Place balls about 2 inches apart on baking surface. I always use a Silpat baking mat (see link below) placed on top of a baking sheet to bake cookies or rolls, which makes greasing a pan unnecessary. Silpats are a little pricey, but they are worth the investment. My Mom gave me a set of Silpats probably 10 years ago and I have still not needed to replace them.
Another recipe I make over and over during fall and winter is Pumpkin Bread. It’s not ‘punkin’ as my father-in-law says. It’s ‘pumpkin.’ I’ve gotten used to him saying it the way he does, but it’s lazy and no different than those who pronounce the word ‘jewelry’ as ‘jury.’ You night notice that ‘pumpkin’ has an ‘mp’ an not an ‘n’ and that ‘jewelry’ has several letters that say accessories versus a group of 12 peers who determine a criminal’s fate… Big difference, huh? But I apologize for that little tangent…
Pumpkin Bread is another fantastic treat and you might try to make some like this:
In a bowl mix 1 Cup canned pumpkin, 1 Cup packed brown sugar, 1/2 Cup milk, 2 eggs, 1/3 Cup shortening, 1 Tbsp baking powder, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/4 tsp nutmeg, 1/8 tsp ginger(cloves may be substituted – either are good), and mix on high until mostly smooth. Add 2 Cups flour and mix on medium speed until thoroughly combined. Set oven temperature at 350 degrees. At this point, you can fold-in 1/2 Cup nuts (I like pecans) and / or 1/2 Cup raisins. Pour batter into a greased loaf pan (9x5x3) and bake for about 60 minutes. Allow loaf to cool to room temperature before slicing. This delightful Pumpkin Bread is also tasty if you spread a little butter on a slice before inhaling. Pumpkin Bread dough as it bakes will also, like Gingersnaps, make your home smell fragrant. Enjoy making these recipes!
What are your favorite fall & winter baked goodies recipes? Please feel free to share your seasonal favorite recipes.
~Jenn
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Football is not a mathematical equation
Posted by crusaderjennblog in Football, life, marriage on December 31, 2014
Since August and having had my very own fantasy football team this year, I’ve been committed to learning football (finally) for the 2014-2015 season, although I’m confident that it will take more than a single season to get me to where I’m not consistently interrupting a game to ask questions about why this or that is or is not a penalty. My husband will attest to the fact that for nearly two decades, I’ve been unimpressed by the sport and thought little of bothering to learn. I knew a few basics, but because of my left-brainness those basics never computed to my sense of logic, so understandably, I disregarded the whole idea of adding any football knowledge to the mix. For starters, in football, there is a quarterback, a halfback and a fullback. But there is no three-quarters back position. I would like to understand why there is this position deficit. Then, there is the tight end position. The logical counterpart position would suggest that there is also a player who is the loose end, but there is no such position. What I have learned for certain is that this learning process is irrelevant because the only thing that ultimately matters is whether a team wins. I must make sense of get-over the senseless mathematics of football positions.
As a Washingtonian, my logical allegiance is to support the Seattle Seahawks and this year from afar obviously, I have gotten to know Coach Pete Carroll and how the team conducts themselves. Russell Wilson is my favorite, but I’m also a big fan of other players like Marshawn Lynch Beast Mode and his 79 yard touchdown in the recent game against Arizona. Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas, Doug Baldwin, Kam Chancellor and Luke Willson are additional players with whom I’m becoming more knowledgeable. Win or loss, I will support them. I refuse to be one of those fans who doles-out support conditionally. The above is my first method of showing support for the Seattle Seahawks, with a rear-window decal on my rig. This is my rig and not my husband’s. Besides, he supports Oakland. Thank you, Sweetheart for patiently guiding me through my first NFL season. GO HAWKS!
~Jenn
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